World waits with bated breath for surf great Kelly Slater to weigh in on controversial Harrison Butker commencement speech (2024)

Direction required.

Nearly two weeks ago, the western world was brought to a standstill after Kansas City Chiefs’ kicker Harrison Butker delivered a commencement speech at a Catholic university wherein he posited that some of the graduating women would be happier having children than grinding it out in the workforce and referred to the most famous woman on earth, one Taylor Swift, as “my teammate’s girlfriend.”

Condemnation rained instantly from many corners, though surprising allies popped up almost just as quickly. Whoopi Goldberg expressed support on The View, stating, “Listen, I like when people say what they need to say. He’s at a Catholic college, he’s a staunch Catholic, these are his beliefs, and he’s welcome to them.” The staunch leftist and atheist Bill Maher shocked his audience on HBO’s Real Time saying, “I can’t express how much this guy is not like me. He’s religious. He loves marriage. He loves kids… And he’s now history’s greatest monster. Again, I don’t agree with much with this guy, but I don’t get the thing. He said… ‘Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world.’ Ok, that seems fairly, like, modern. ‘But I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.’ I don’t see what the big crime is. I really don’t.”

Hours ago, Taylor Swift’s boyfriend Travis Kelce expressed, “When it comes down to his views and what he said at Saint Benedict’s commencement speech, those are his. I can’t say I agree with the majority of it or just about any of it outside of just him loving his family and his kids. And I don’t think that I should judge him by his views, especially his religious views, of how to go about life, that’s just not who I am.”

And now all eyes turn to Kelly Slater.

The world’s greatest surfer has never been shy about sharing his learned opinion on the widest array of subjects, from crypto currencies to simple joys of not voting and, now, his double-barreled thoughts on both traditional gender roles and free speech are required. But where do you think the 11x world champion will fall on the issues? Also, what do you imagine Joel Tudor feels?

Currently more questions than answers but, hopefully, Slater appears on a podcast soon and Tudor stops lashing deadbeat college graduates to focus on these broader issues.

Story. Develops.

"With phenomenal skills on both the boog and the stand up, Noa Deane's ability is something to be admired and celebrated."

You’ll certainly remember the wild harangue Shaun Tomson laid on the marquee Volcom surfer Noa Deane a few years back.

Shaun was made sad by Noa’s famous “fuck the WSL” line at an awards show and thundered, “I’d love to big mouths like Noa Deane get a wildcard at ten-foot Pipe. I want to see Noa Deane with his big mouth come up against Italo Ferreira and let’s see what happens.

“Let me tell you, the dude will be savaged! He will be cryyyyying…with his body…he will be flayed. The guy’s got a big mouth and never stops whining about the WSL. Let’s see that dude step up! People just let these dudes chirp. Step up and put up or shut up!”

Sadly for Shaun, Noa stomped world champ John John Florence in a heat at ten-foot Pipe.

Noa Deane, who is twenty nine and described as “beautiful and fat”, is also the star of the James Kates film Munch, which you can watch here.

But he ain’t just a biped dancer on fibreglass. Noa Deane can also split atoms supine on a four-foot long piece of foam, as evidenced by his invitation to compete at the Shark Island Challenge.

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Arguably possessing one of the most impressive multifaceted wave riding resumes on the planet currently, we are stoked to announce that @ilovetables has accepted his invitation to compete in 2024 @bodyboardkingdom Shark Island Challenge.

With phenomenal skills on both the boog and the stand up, Noa’s ability to read the unpredictable nature of the world’s varying oceanic conditions is something to be admired and celebrated.

Rarely does a piece of watery ocean meat 🥩, a phrase constantly used by the man himself when it comes to waves of consequence, go by in a session that Noa hasn’t successful torn into and stylishly devoured.

We now wait in anticipation to see what this controversial, yet warranted and deserved wildcard can muster up out the infamous rock shelf known as Shark Island.

Noa Deane, thrilled: “Never thought when I was booging froggies backwash as a Grom on my chapel O+E boog I would end up in the shark island challenge this is actually bonkers, thank you for this opportunity.”

A tricky game of wash selling and dividend stripping.

The eighty-one-year-old founder of Billabong, Gordon Merchant, has been slugged with a $50 million bill from the Australian Tax Office, which includes a six-ish mill fine, after advice he received from a company called EY to minimise his tax bill turned out to be, well, not so rock solid.

From what I can glean from the finance press, Merchant, who let’s be historically fair is a significant player in not just the clothing game but surfboard design with his tucked-under edge rail, was advised to sell a wad of his Billabong shares to create a capital loss which he could offset against the terrific profits he made from from the $111 million sale of the bioplastics manufacturer Plantic Technologies back in 2015.

Merchant was also advised to forgive fifty-five mill in loans to Plantic Tech to boost the sale price.

A tricky game of wash selling and dividend stripping.

So, here’s how it works!

In 2014, Merchant sells ten million of his Billabong shares for a little under six mill losing, on paper, almost sixty-mill.

Plantic gets sold for $111 mill the following year, the price inflated by the removal of the loans, Merchant’s tax bill gets reduced, and everyone’s real happy.

Everyone except the tax office, who audits Merchant’s companies and increases his personal tax bill by $30.6 million. Two of his biz’s are assessed to owe a further $12.9 million and a $6.4 million penalty is thrown in for laughs.

Merchant appealed the Tax Office’s decision in court and lost.

“I conclude that Mr Merchant’s participation in the [Billabong share sale] transaction was undertaken because it was recommended to him by EY as part of what EY considered desirable for the structure of the anticipated sale of shares in Plantic,” Justice Thawley wrote. “In particular because [it] would crystallise a capital loss which could be used against the capital gain which was anticipated to be higher by reason of the proposed forgiveness of the Plantic Loans.”

Merchant is now suing the company that gave him the bum advice.

Let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up.

WSL apologists. VAL enthusiasts. Branded content partners. Our pals over at The Inertia have long been known to cater to the most basic of demographics with their HuffPost-esque surf puff pieces.

They’re obviously resonating with an audience. Somewhere.Somehow.

And that’s fine. Good for them. Go for gold.

But have you browsed The Inertia website of late? Probably not.

Between BeachGrit and Brietbart I’d be surprised if you had time left to polish your gun rack, let alone imbibe the sixth most successful online surf journal’s offerings.

I have, though. And fuck me it is wild.

If you can get past the UX that is buggier and more ad-laden than a late ‘90s Geocities site, a quick dig into The Inertia archives reveals titles – and stories – that appear to have gone from surf-adjacent to straight-out surrealist. Bros and Bro-ettes pumping out page after page of incessant outdoor enthusiast dross that turns into performance art the deeper you get. (Not like our BeachGrit!)

The saccharine sweet animal videos. The naughty naughty admonishment of eco-negative behaviours. The Nonsensical Use of Capitalized Letters. It’s all there. But I swear, when viewed as a whole, the body of work takes on an almost David Lynch like absurdist quality.

Are these cunts at The Inertia messing with us? I don’t know. But it sure is entertaining.

So, let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up.

The winner gets, oh I don’t know. A beaver fur wetsuit*.

1. C-Monsta Will Help You Level Up Your Wetsuit Drying Game
2. Opinion: It Doesn’t Matter If the CEO of the WSL Surfs or Not
3. San Diego Man Creates Surf-Skateboard With Inbuilt Water Spray
4. Your Keep Cup Is Probably Not Recycled and That Is Problematic
5. Our Favourite Hammocks for Hanging at the Beach
6. Tips on Reversing Your Negativity Bias
7. Filipe Toledo’s Dominance Shows That Teahupo’o and Pipeline Really Don’t Matter Anymore
8. The Most Eco-Friendly Moustache Waxes of 2023
9. The Best Wing Foil Gear for Beginners
10. Robotic Dolphins and Flying Water Cars Are Insane
11. When The Olympics Begins at Teahupo’o, Shouldn’t Surfers Be Able to Pronounce Its Name?
12. The GetBaked Hydro Tee is our Favorite Technical Aquatic Activity Shirt of 2024
13. So You Want to Start Jet Boarding? Here’s 3 Tips to Keep you High and Dry
14. It’s Fall Again! Here’s 5 Of Our Favourite Hacky Sacks For the Ultimate In Campfire Fun
15. Dear Van Lifers: Please Stop Pooping In My Car Park
16. This Four Hour Patagonia Documentary Will Make You Rethink Your Use of Non Sustainable Ear Plugs
17. This Baby Seal is Learning to Surf, and She’s Doing It All For the Environment
18. Octopus Takes Diver by the Hand and Leads Her to an Underwater Mystery
19. The WSL Is Doing A Good Job, So Why Are Its Fans Acting Like Such A##holes?
20. These Dolphins Absolutely LOVE Squirrels!
21. Burning Man Was Only Bad If You Can’t Adapt To Nature
22. Your Dreads May Look Cool, But They’re Likely Contributing To Climate Change
23. Opinion: The WSL Finals is A Huge Improvement to Professional Surfing
24. Five Self Care Tips For When The Surfline Forecast Is Wrong
25. Foldable Surfboards – Why They Are Rad And Why Haven’t You Bought One Already?
26. Kassia Meador Teaches You How To Wax Your Surfboard

Real Inertia article titles: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 15, 18, 20, 21,23, 26

*Beaver Fur Wetsuits Are The Next Big Thing! Published on the Inertia by JP Currie, October 2016

"That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government….."

A debate is not well and truly underway until surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor swings in. And let us examine the United States’ president Joe Biden and his continued forgiveness of student loans. Yesterday, the leader of the free world announced he was erasing another $7.7 billion of debt. This followed $7.4 billion wiped off the books in April.

“From day one of my Administration, I promised to fight to ensure higher education is a ticket to the middle class, not a barrier to opportunity,” Biden gamely declared. “I will never stop working to cancel student debt – no matter how many times Republican elected officials try to stop us.”

While maybe not a Republican elected official, surf funnyman Jonathan Wayne Freeman posted a to-camera video to his much-loved Instagram page wherein he described a boy, presumably himself, who went to a college he couldn’t afford yet still signed on the dotted line, accepting low interest loans. Now, while he seemed to be sarcastically happy about the relief, he also slammed Biden teaching youngsters that irresponsibility is chill or some vague boomer thing.

Joel Tudor, always ready, immediately responded, “That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government…..aka hard working tax payers – kiss my ass Joe Biden.”

Shockingly, not everyone was won over.

Movelikelove declared, “That is not the same thing at all That is a completely illogical equivalent. You can look up what logical fallacies you just used I’m not going to teach you for free given the content here. I’m a psychotherapist in my job benefits my community. Me buying a house isn’t benefiting the community. I can’t believe I had to explain that to you.”

Sargentscrapbook added, “How is that in any way similar? Seriously…you portray yourself as informed and knowledgeable. What regulations have been repealed and abused regarding compounded interest/inflated and predatory loan practices with in the higher education industry? How does the percentage of tax money spent of student debt interest forgiveness compare to the percentage of tax money spent on corporate and religious tax breaks? I know you’re not going to respond with any sort of rational, informed or practical thought. Don’t bother.”

Robmayers wondered, “Why get worked up about this? Instead of people paying the banks they now have some freed up money to buy things like your surfboards instead.”

And, lastly, going after both Tudor and J. Wayne Freeman himself, andrewlive stated, “I always love the Joe Rogan, 19-yr old bro, low-information political takes you have. But I love more the low-information libertarian surf mongoloid responses you get. Keep these brilliant, well-researched takes coming!”

Do you have any thoughts on student loan debt forgiveness? Please share.