When Should Teens Be Allowed to Date? (2024)

Dating for teens and tweens in today's age looks a bit different than how it did in previous generations, which may leave parents wondering: what age is appropriate for my child to start dating?

The age in which tweens develop romantic interests in other people varies tremendously from child to child. Some kids may start expressing interest in having a partner as early as age 10 while others are 12 or 13 before they show any interest.

We turned to experts to learn more about when teens begin dating, and how to have open connection and communication with your adolescent children.

What Parents Should Know About Teen Dating

Because every kid matures and develops differently, there’s no magical age at which dating suddenly becomes viable for all tweens and teens, according to Lisa Damour, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Beachwood, Ohio.

Dr. Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers and Untangled, shares that her research has been able to measure that, for some kids, romantic feelings can begin around age 10. Some kids experience romantic feelings right around that threshold, and others don’t experience them until after.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) adds that some kids begin dating around 12 or 13, but notes that many parents feel more comfortable with children that age spending time with their peers in groups.

In group dating, they go out as a group to the movies, the mall, the park, the beach, or other similar places. It's also important not to confuse group dating with double-dating or triple-dating, the AAP says. With group dating, there may be one or two romantic couples, but the majority of the group is unattached.

According to Dr. Damour's research, some relationships at this age start with one peer asking another if they want to be a couple. She says the transaction may begin through “diplomatic channels” (aka, friends or mutual acquaintances) to confirm the answer will be a yes.

Abby Goldman, a teenager from New York who had her first relationship at age 13, shares that when she began thinking about dating, she valued kindness and a sense of humor as some of the most important qualities in a potential boyfriend. When she had her first boyfriend, the two saw each other every day in school, and FaceTimed each night. Eventually, the kids even vacationed with each other’s families.

“We were inseparable,” says Goldman, who is now 15 and dating someone else. “My [first relationship] was a big part of who I was at the time.”

Why Do Teens Want to Date?

Like anything else, there are many reasons why teens want to date in the first place.

According to Justine Ang Fonte, a health and sex educator based in New York City, some tweens and teens seek to date to fill a need for belonging—but sometimes, it can also be about social capital.

“Having a [romantic partner] fills a void," Fonte explains, adding that for some teens, dating is sometimes like a status symbol.

Barbara Greenberg, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York, adds that in some circles, when kids are liked by a partner, they feel like they become more likable to others. Dr. Damour agrees, adding: “"It’s about being someone’s someone special person, and having a person who is your person."

But if you ask teens themselves, they may offer a more simple explanation. Goldman says she wanted to date her first boyfriend because she “liked him” and thought she was “ready” to begin her dating life.

"It wasn’t that complicated for me," she adds. “I felt like, ‘I’m old enough and I like this guy, so it’s time to do this.’ I didn’t have any other experience with dating, so I didn’t really have anything to go off of.”

How to Talk With Your Teen About Dating

Talking to tweens and teens about dating can be tricky, but it's important to remember to keep an open communication and dialogue to allow your teen to feel comfortable talking with you.

Dr. Damour suggests that parents encourage tweens and teens to hold the same high standards for their dating relationships that they should be holding for their friendships: Respectful treatment of one another, having a good time, and enjoying shared interests across the board.

When the question of physical intimacy comes up (even things like hand-holding), Fonte encourages parents to coach teens about setting boundaries, then ask them how well the significant other honors those boundaries.

“If you’re a tween or a teen and can’t feel safer with your significant other than you do with your friends, you need to think twice,” she says. “Whatever has brought you together with your partner, that relationship is supposed to have an even deeper level of trust and vulnerability. If it doesn’t, something is wrong.”

Try to determine how your child's significant other treats them and be sure you are consistently talking about what constitutes a healthy friendship. Ask open-ended questions such as what they like about the person or what they have in common.

It's also important for parents to know the warning signs of teen dating violence. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) conducted a survey that found that approximately 1 in 12 American teenagers reported experiencing physical dating violence, while another 1 in 12 reported experiencing sexual dating violence. Some early warning signs can include:

• a partner demanding details regarding whereabouts
• acting critical
• trying to control someone's wardrobe choices
• ignoring physical boundaries
• restricting contact with family and friends.

Consider Reframing "Rules" When It Comes to Dating

It is perfectly normal for parents to want to establish rules around dating, especially for younger teens. At the same time, Greenberg cautions that parents should be mindful of how stringent those rules might be.

For example, she says, limiting the conditions under which a young person might see their significant other (only in public spaces of the house, or only in the company of larger friend groups) is one thing; however, preventing a young person from dating all together is entirely something else.

“The last thing you want to do is create a Romeo-and-Juliet effect that makes your child want to rebel,” she explains. “You can express concern without wielding control.”

Goldman, the 15-year-old, says that young people likely are going to do what they want anyway.

“If you tell a teenager we can’t date until 16 or 17, we’re not going to be like, ‘Oh, okay, cool,’ we’re going to figure out a way to sneak around,” she says. “It’s better to talk it out together than set outrageous rules that lead to us making dumb decisions because we don’t feel safe.”

Additionally, if you have decided to allow your tween to date in groups, you need to be clear with them about your expectations. Talk about what constitutes appropriate behavior when they're out as well as where they are allowed to go and when they have to be home. Some parents even require that a parent be present in some capacity when kids go out in groups.

Setting Boundaries Around Social Media

Keep in mind, too, that tween romantic relationships are often expressed entirely (or almost entirely) through texting and social media.

Tweens may text each other far more than they talk or meet in person, and they may use social media posts to proclaim their relationship status. Make sure your child knows what is safe and appropriate to communicate via text and to post on social media, especially when it comes to sharing personal information.

Smartphone rules and etiquette also need to be a constant topic of discussion when it comes to romantic relationships and other friendships. The key is that you are regularly communicating with your child about their relationships while offering guidance and direction along the way.

Teach Them to Communicate Their Boundaries

It's also important that tweens feel empowered with information that helps them set boundaries, expectations, and limits on themselves and the person they are dating. You can show your teen how you learned to communicate boundaries by sharing your first dating experiences. It's important that they build confidence about dating in these early years so that they are not swayed by misinformation.

Also, be sure they have contingency plans should the group date not go as planned. They need to know what to do if they are in danger or don't like what the group is doing. By partnering with your tween every step of the way when they start dating, you will be able to guide them from their first love to their last.

And, if your 12-year-old or 13-year-old has no interest in dating, don't worry. There is no rush when it comes to the dating world. Their lack of interest doesn't mean you shouldn't still have meaningful conversations about dating, though.

Talk to them about what constitutes a healthy relationship, how to voice their boundaries, and how to conduct themselves online and when out with friends. These talks allow you to build a framework for when they are ready to start dating.

What to Avoid When Talking to Your Teen About Dating

While it's normal to be caught off guard by your tween's sudden interest in dating, you need to be sure that you are taking it seriously and use it as an opportunity to talk about key issues associated with dating responsibly.

Even if you are freaking out somewhat, choose your words carefully. You want to avoid saying something you might later regret. For instance, you should avoid labeling their relationship in some way like calling it an "infatuation," "puppy love," or "young love."

To a tween, this budding relationship is significant. So, you don't want to downplay it or inadvertently make fun of it in some way.

You also should avoid teasing your tween or making negative remarks about who they are dating. Other things to avoid include:

• Assuming the relationship is not serious
• Allowing too much freedom and not establishing ground rules for safe dating
• Allowing your tween to spend time one-on-one unsupervised
• Brushing off the dating relationship an unimportant
• Failing to discuss the risks of teen dating violence and digital dating abuse
• Forgetting to talk about the big issues like sexting, consent, and even sex
• Neglecting to describe what healthy relationships look like
• Pretending like the relationship doesn't exist or that your tween is not growing up

How to Handle Your Child's First Breakup

Although the majority of tween relationships won't last long, some tween romances do have staying power. One study found that 20% of 12-year-olds to 14-year-olds had a relationship that lasted at least 11 months.

Given how fast tweens'​ lives are changing, 11 months is certainly a significant period of time. That said, though, relationships among tweens are likely to be more superficial than later relationships and may not have enough substance to last much longer.

Consequently, at some point you're going to have to know how to help your tween navigate a breakup, especially because their first experience with a broken heart can take them by surprise. One minute they are on cloud nine believing they found their soul mate and the next they find themselves picking up the pieces of their broken heart.

Nothing's worse for a tween than experiencing heartache, only to have a parent minimize their feelings or to tell them that it wasn't a big deal. To them, this experience feels monumental.

Instead, take this opportunity to teach them how to manage these uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and responsible way—especially when it comes to social media. Too many times, tweens will turn to social media during a breakup to share their feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, or sadness, all of which can end up hurting them even more if kids use these raw feelings to cyberbully or make fun of them.

Talk to them about healthy ways to cope with disappointment, rejection, and pain like journaling, talking with people they are close to, and doing things they enjoy. And, if your tween was the one doing the breaking up, it's equally as important that you be supportive.

Find ways to help your tween refocus their attention and not dwell on the breakup. It's common for tweens get stuck in a rut thinking about what went wrong and what they could have done differently. While reflection is an important part of breaking up, ruminating for long periods of time can become unhealthy.

And finally, be patient and avoid saying anything negative about their former boyfriend or girlfriend. Some tweens will move on pretty easily after a breakup, but some will need a little more time to process what happened and for their broken heart to mend. Be kind, caring, supportive, and positive and your tween will get through it.