Pain and suffering are unavoidable aspects of life. Yet most of us struggle with what we should say to someone at a time of suffering and pain due to the loss of a loved one or a job, separation from a partner, or a loved one with a terminal illness.
We have all been there, or will be in the future. We want to provide help and support, but we don’t know how. Someone who is in pain can be very intimidating because they are vulnerable, and we might not be prepared for this. We fear that we might say something wrong; something that would make them feel worse. We are concerned about which words would soothe them, and which would intensify their pain. We wonder how we should react if they start crying. These fears and concerns are quite normal, as nobody has taught us the fundamentals of communication in times of hardship, and not all of us are prepared to be effective helpers. Maybe emotions were not welcome in your family when you were a child, maybe crying was not acceptable, or maybe it’s the society you live in that is not tolerant of emotions. Perhaps you’re just a perfectionist and always try to find the perfect words to say.
When we don’t know what to say, we either remain silent or say unhelpful things that might cause even more injury. Although there is no recipe or formula that works in every situation, given that everyone has different ways of responding to life events and different ways of perceiving the world, there are some words that give comfort, and some that cause more pain. I have compiled some of the most helpful responses as well as ones you might want to avoid.
Where to start?
Our starting point should be understanding the need to and power of approaching people who are suffering with compassion. Compassion relates to seeing the other person’s pain and the desire to help them. It involves noticing what the other person is going through, experiencing an empathic concern, and wanting to act to alleviate the other person’s pain. Compassion invites others into a supportive and comforting environment.
Empathy is the capacity to understand what the other person might be experiencing/feeling. This is about their own frame of reference, not yours. You don’t have to go through the same event to imagine what they might be feeling. You won’t be able to capture everything, either, but you can at least try to look at things from their perspective.
Empathy is not possible unless the other person feels that you are there for them and that you actually care. If you’re seeing them in person, be there not only physically but also mentally, by paying real attention to what they are saying and avoiding any distractions around you. Put your own thoughts and ideas aside and focus on what you hear and/or see. If you’re on the phone with them, make sure you will not be distracted by anyone or anything.
Ask yourself why you’re there. You are probably there because you want to support them, to show them that they’re not alone, that they don’t have to go through this on their own, and that you intend to listen to them with a non-judgmental attitude. Your goal should be to create a safe and secure space for them where they don’t have to explain or defend themselves. You’re not there to judge. You’re not the moral code who will tell them what is wrong and what is right. You’re there to hear their pain and to show that you areactively listeningand hearing.
Just listen, without judging or giving advice. You don’t have to and probably will not feel how they are feeling. Empathy requires understanding the other person and showing that you understand, not feeling the emotions they feel.
You don’t have to fix their problems. They will be the one fixing most of their own problems. Your role is to support them so that they can deal with any challenges they are going through. This will also give them the message that they can always ask you for help when they need it or feel ready for it. Genuine listening can be healing in itself and help them recognize solutions and options.
What words are NOT helpful?
Here are some things you might want to avoid saying;
“It could have been much worse.”
“I don’t think crying will help.”
“I think you should just carry on with your life.”
“It’s been almost a month now. You should stop being depressed like this.”
“Be grateful; look at how much you’ve got.”
“You’re not the first person to go through this. Everyone loses something at some point.”
“You need to be strong now.”
“It’s just a job; you’ll get another one.”
“I’m sure everything will be all right very soon.”
“He didn’t deserve you anyway; it’s good that you two broke up.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Some of these responses might sound reasonable to you, but they are definitely not helpful when you’re talking to someone who has experienced a loss or who is going through a painful process. Those responses can hurt or upset the person. They might give the message that you don’t value or care about how they feel or make them feel guilty. Grief is an emotional process, not a cognitive one. We don’t have the right to tell someone how long their grief will last and what it should look like. Your intention might be to help them feel better, but asking them to be someone they are not or feel in a way that they don’t is not helpful at all. And we certainly don’t have the right to judge one’s response to a painful event.
What words are the most helpful?
Here are more helpful things to say to someone who is suffering:
“I’m really sorry about what happened (or what you’re going through). Do you want to talk about it?”
“It must be very difficult for you.”
“How have you been? Do you need anything or is there anything I can do for you?”
“How are you feeling? Would you like to talk?”
“I cannot even imagine how painful this must be for you.”
“I haven’t experienced something similar, but it must be really difficult.”
“I’m really sorry I didn’t call earlier. I didn’t know what to say.”
“I’m always here for you. Just let me know when you’re ready/willing to talk.”
“I’m not very good at finding the right words to say in this kind of a situation. But I’m here to listen if you would like to talk.”
“Would you like to talk about what happened?”
“I imagine this must be very overwhelming for you at the moment. What can I do for you?”
“Just let me know if you want to be alone and need some space.”
“I can just sit here with you without talking.”
“Would you like a hug?”
Just be honest. If you don’t know what to do, tell the truth. If you’re uncomfortable, say it in a kind way. This won’t make you seem weak or incompetent. It’s normal to not know how to respond or what to say. It’s okay to feel anxious or distressed. Saying the wrong thing is worse than admitting we don’t know what to say or being honest about our discomfort. Complement your honesty with the message that you’re there for them and ready to help.
Again, there is no perfect statement that works with everyone in every situation. However, you can always choose the most effective statements and avoid the unhelpful ones I just shared with you. Lastly, remember that sometimes even these tips might not comfort your loved ones, or they might not be open to any of the responses. Give them some time. It’s okay. They’re hurting.
