For as much as we'd prefer for it never to happen, there comes a time in almost every person's life when they need to face the fact that the person they think is right for them may not have the same feelings in return. No matter what stage the relationship is in up until this point, if you do not share the same view as your potential partner, you will hit an impasse.
Read on to figure out if your relationship is worth pursuing or if you should leave it to find someone else who is ready to commit.
The Love Advice Everyone in a New Relationship Absolutely Needs to Hear
Signs They Don't Want a Relationship
You've been casually seeing someone for a while and feel ready to make things official, but it seems like your feelings aren't being reciprocated. If you're not sure if that person wants a relationship, look out for these signs.
They Say They Don't Want a Relationship
Unfortunately, people will explicitly say, "I don't want a relationship," yet this clear statement often gets glossed over. When we're invested in someone, it's hard to accept that what they're telling us is the truth: You want them to want a relationship, too, so you will explain this crystal clear message away. The simple fact you have to remember? People show us who they are. If the person you're seeing says they don't want a relationship, don't try to change them or hop that they'll come around; instead, invest your time and energy in someone who wants the same things as you.
You're the One to Initiate Every Plan
If planning dates feels like a one-way street, they might not be interested in a relationship. It's important to remember that there's a difference between initiating plans and actually planning. Maybe you're super organized or have lots of great date night ideas—it's natural that another person might let you take the lead on organizing outings if that's the case. But if they don't show any interest in getting together without you asking, this is likely a sign that they're not interested in a relationship.
They Haven't Asked You to Meet Friends or Family Members
It's been a few months and haven't invited you to meet any of their friends and family. It's only natural that you'd be wondering where you stand in this type of partnership. Unfortunately, you are probably in a one-sided situation. In other words, these are all common signs that they don't want a relationship (or maybe they do, but just not with you).
They Don't Make an Effort to Spend Time With You
Perhaps most telling, however, is whether or not your partner is making an effort to spend time with you. In today's fast-paced, technologically-driven world, face time is a premium. "If your significant other isn't interested in spending time with you, then they are probably not looking for a relationship," says relationship expert Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC. "Even if they don't tell you explicitly, they probably aren't interested."
We're all busy, but if your significant other isn't willing to make time for you, their priorities may be elsewhere.
Why Don't They Want a Relationship?
Even if you're able to determine that your partner does not want a relationship, the reason why this is true may remain unclear. Here are some common reasons
They Want to Keep Their Options Open
Some people are just at a stage in their lives when they want to meet new people and casually date. Perhaps they're still getting over a breakup and are just dipping their toes into the dating pool. Or, they prefer to prioritize their career and other interests over a romantic relationship at the moment, which is understandable, too. There are many aspects that make up a fulfilling life in addition to a committed relationship, like friends, family, and personal interests like travel and other pursuits that lead to self-discovery and fulfillment.
They're Emotionally Unavailable
Painful memories of past failed relationships may cloud the judgment of someone in the present. They may also worry about causing disappointment or being unable to keep up with the type of relationship you are looking for. "Sometimes people aren't interested in relationships because they have had an insecure attachment in the past. Being in a relationship may not be safe. Commitment is too scary. So they may come close, but when push comes to shove, they don't take the plunge," says Slatkin.
According to Slatkin, an individual needs the self-awareness to recognize when they are truly ready to be in a real relationship, which includes being willing to work through past disappointments and insecurities.
They May Want a Relationship, Just Not With You
The truth is, your partner may be emotionally stable and open to a commitment, though just not with you. "Sometimes people are also so self-absorbed that the idea of giving to someone else is foreign and not on their radar," says Slatkin. Most mature, emotionally-intelligent adults are capable of deciding what they are willing and not willing to do, and no amount of convincing from an outside party is going to change that.
How to Move Forward
If what you want is a committed relationship, and you've communicated this to your partner and you two still aren't aligned, then only you can decide whether your current arrangement is right for you.
If you are finding it hard to move forward, despite knowing your relationship is headed down a dead-end road, then speaking with a licensed mental health professional may help guide you. Other options include considering putting yourself in the other person's shoes: If you aren't willing to commit to another person fully, from this perspective, would this situation still be attractive to you? And finally, this situation may instead be an opportunity to work on self-compassion. Sticking around too long may beg the question: What am I gaining from this relationship?
Is Online Dating Worth It?
