Understanding Gottman's Stonewalling: The Silent Destructor of Relationships (2024)

FAQs

Understanding Gottman's Stonewalling: The Silent Destructor of Relationships? ›

It often involves one partner giving the silent treatment

The last, but certainly not least, of the Four Horsem*n is stonewalling. Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like. In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded.

In relationships, stonewalling describes what happens when someone builds a wall against their partner's communication. The building bricks of this emotional wall can be silence, withdrawal and shutting down. The effects of stonewalling can be devastating to a relationship.

The effects of stonewalling are disastrous for not only the receiver but also the partner who's stonewalling. For the person being stonewalled, it can leave them feeling confused, hurt and angry. It can wear down on their self-esteem, leading them to feel hopeless or worthless.

The antidote to stonewalling is to learn to calm yourself down actively and then to re-engage in the conversation. Antidotes to stonewalling: – Check for feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed (i.e. emotional flooding). – Take time out: Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion.

Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a preoccupation with personal success and power. Narcissists are known to engage in manipulative, aggressive behavior, including stonewalling.

For the person who is being stonewalled, it is normal to feel frustrated, angry, confused, and hurt. It can have a damaging impact on a person's self-esteem and make them feel like there is a lack of trust and closeness in their relationship.

That's because it's a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

Recognize Patterns: Become aware of the stonewalling behavior and its triggers. Identifying patterns can help both partners address the issue more effectively. Create Safe Spaces: Foster an environment where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or criticism.

What type of person uses stonewalling? ›

Unintentional stonewalling can develop when couples fall out of the habit of discussing their emotions, or when someone is unsure of what they are feeling so feel it's easier to say nothing. Similarly, if a relationship has run its course, stonewalling can be used to create distance from a partner.

There are various motivations behind stonewalling – childhood trauma, avoiding confrontation, manipulation, gaslighting, or checking out of the relationship. Understanding the root cause is key. Being stonewalled can make partners feel frustrated, disrespected, resentful, helpless, and lonely.

The psychological impact of stonewalling is significant, with victims often grappling with feelings of severe loneliness, anxiety, and depression. The persistent rejection and silence from their partner can lead to self-doubt, and over time, erode their self-esteem, self-confidence and communication skills.

I tell my clients a difference that I see is the intent. The silent treatment is meant to hurt the other person where stonewalling is flooding and self-perseverance. Sometimes it can feel like your partner is doing both so it can be hard to differentiate. The good news is the solution to both is the same.

Preventing Stonewalling

Instead of taking it personally, you can tell yourself, “He needs a break to regroup.” By using I-statements, you can help your partner be open to hearing you. Try saying in advance of a conversation you sense could be difficult to hear, “I just want to say how I'm feeling.

Simply restate what it is that you need in that moment. Let your partner know that you will come back to this, as it lets them know that they are important to you. This provides reassurance to them. If partner's continue to press, continue to restate your boundary.

Stonewalling is a negative relationship behaviour where one partner refuses to speak or engage with the other. It can involve the 'silent treatment', shutting down or becoming unresponsive, avoiding speaking with your partner.

What technique does Gottman propose instead of engaging in stonewalling? Take a break when you feel overwhelmed until your physiological arousal can reduce, then address the conflict.

It is sometimes referred to as the silent treatment. Stonewalling can also include behaviours such as dismissing or belittling another person or accusing them of overreacting to stonewalling treatment when the perpetrator insists there are no problems.

Boundaries are about self-care and are not intended to harm or control others. They protect our emotional and mental well-being. Stonewalling, on the other hand, is one of the "Four Horsem*n" of relationships, as identified by renowned couples therapists John and Julie Gottman.