12 Signs You’re Falling Out of Love With Your Partner, According to a Relationship Expert (2024)

You and your partner were all smiles and passion at the beginning of your relationship. After some time, though, those euphoric feelings faded, and you've now found yourself reminiscing on the good times instead of looking forward to the future. If this sounds like you, you may be wondering: Am I falling out of love? "When we leave the honeymoon phase, the rose-colored glasses we’ve worn up until that point begin to fade away, and for the first time, we see our areas of difference. This is natural," says relationship expert Chanel Dokun, cofounder of Healthy Minds NYC. "But when we’re truly falling out of love, the negative begins to outweigh the positive."

Unlike leaving the honeymoon phase of a relationship—which is actually an important step in taking your partnership to the next level—falling out of love means seeing the negative aspects of the person and not being able to move past them. When falling out of love, Dokun says, "we often become fixated on our differences, unable to find any common ground, and the flaws our partner has are no longer viewed as opportunities for growth but major character flaws." Falling out of love doesn't always mean that you don't care about your partner; in some cases, it means that you love them in a platonic, familial way. You may feel pangs of guilt about your faded feelings, but that doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship that doesn't bring you joy. Even if you don't want to hurt the person, it's imperative that you listen to yourheartand do what's best for you and your partner.

If you're wondering whether or not you're falling out of love with your partner, be on the lookout for these 12 signs, which three relationship experts agree can indicate your partnership has shifted. Plus, our experts share tips and advice on how to move forward if this is the case for you.

Common Signs You're Falling Out of Love With Your Partner

According to Landis Bejar, LMHC, LPC, the founder and director of Aisle Talk, falling out of love looks different for every couple. "There are different types of love, ways of loving people, and ways of being or feeling in love. Couples that are married for decades will go through different phases and chapters of their love story. Being in love, for a lifetime, is as unique as the individuals who are participating in that love. It is for these reasons that falling out of love is not a linear nor always obvious occurrence or concept," she explains. "The process of falling out of love can be as unique as the individuals in the couple. The realization can take a long time for some for most." So, while there are common signs that you're falling out of love with your partner, not every couple experiences all (or even most) of these.

"The biggest indicator would be any of these things plus your gut feelings plus consistency across time and across different situations, before most can really determine it has happened," Bejar explains. Simply put? Just because you're experiencing some of these signs sometimes doesn't mean you need to call it quits. You may simple be going through a unique phase of your relationship that takes time to work through.

You’re Not Excited to Spend Time Together

If you were inseparable at thebeginning of your relationship but no longer look forward to spending quality time with your partner, it may be a sign that you're falling out of love. On one hand, giving each other more space can be healthy, but if you find yourself eagerly making plans with anyone and everyone yet dreading an upcoming dinner date with your partner, it's time to reconsider your feelings. "If given the choice, it would be rare to choose spending time with the partner than someone else—be it a platonic friendship or perhaps someone you might actually be feeling love feelings toward," says Bejar. "Maybe you even prefer spending other time doing anything else than being with them as opposed to being with someone else; for instance, you begin to spend all your time at work because you’d rather be working than home with your partner."

It's nothing to feel guilty about, but it is an opportunity to reflect on your relationship—and yourself—to determine whether you're truly falling out of love. Evaluate what could be the driving force behind this change of heart, says Dokun. "Lack of desire to see a partner could be indicative of a personal insecurity or fear of becoming too attached," she says.

You Aren't Interested in Intimacy

Assuming there are no other reasons for a decreased interest in intimacy (illness, chronic health condition, mental health factors, and so forth) with your partner, this can be a sign that you're falling out of love, Meghan Watson, psychotherapist and the founder ofBloom Psychology, suggests. Though relationships certainly change over time and your sex life may ebb and flow, a patent disinterest in sharing any level of physical touch with your partner can be a warning sign that something more significant is happening between you two. Being disinterested or unmotivated to "respond to their bids for connection and intimacy," Watson notes, can be another sign

You’re Not Open With Your Partner

When you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with another person, it's exciting. Opening up is an excellent way to connect with someone, so if you were once completely forthright and honest with your partner but are suddenly not interested in discussing what's on your mind, that's a red flag.

Worse, if you find your desire to share growing smaller and smaller to the point where you stop communicating with them altogether—also known as "stonewalling"—it's a sign that your relationship is becoming irreparable, says Dokun. Connecting with someone you're dating is a huge part of anysuccessful relationship, so if you're walking away from conversations, not making eye contact, or refusing to discuss your feelings, it might be time to sever ties.

You Seek Out Opportunities to Avoid Your Partner

Besides no longer getting excited to spend time together, you may find yourself flat-out avoiding your partner. You may stay late at work, see movies or eat dinner by yourself, or even take the long way home to avoid being with your partner for a moment longer than you have to. When you’re actively finding ways to be without your significant other, it’s clear that either your feelings for that person have changed, or you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship.

You Choose Silent Contempt Over Disagreements

No onelikestoargue, but sometimes you have to in order to strengthen your bond. Expressing and working through anger and hurt is crucial to maintaining a healthy partnership. Otherwise, your negative emotions will build into contempt—another major relationship killer, says Dokun—and it will sour every interaction you have with your partner. If you constantly keep quiet about the things they do that annoy or upset you instead of having discussions about them, your contempt may take over and slowly eat away at your relationship until its breaking point.

Watson notes that going from a willingness to fight it out to complete apathy can be a sign that you're falling out of love. If you're experiencing "major shifts in communication and consideration within each others lives," she notes, it's likely time to step back and assess your relationship.

You Feel Uncertain About Your Future With Them

If you're unsure if you're falling out of love, ask yourself how you feel about your future as a couple. If you feel unhappy, trapped, or scared at the idea of being with your partner for the long haul, it's time to have a conversation with them. "Process your feelings through journaling, meditation, or even speaking with a neutral party, like a therapist," says Dokun. When you sit down to talk to your partner, "Simply state what you feel, and the concerns you’re having about what this could mean for your future together."

Not looking forward to a future with your partner could be a clear indication of your faded feelings, but it could also be more complicated than that. "Feeling hopeless about the future could be that you’ve missed out onhaving meaningful conversations to this point and you’re unaware of your partner’s desires," says Dokun. It doesn't always mean you are no longer in love, but it's definitely a sign you should open a line of communication.

You’re Longing for Someone (or Something) Else

If you've been in a monogamous relationship with your partner for a long time, it's totally normal for you to develop a crush on someone else—as long as youdon't act on it. After all, you're only human, and you can't help but find other people attractive. Your innocent crush can become a problem, though, if it minimizes your desire for your partner. If you find yourself thinking about all the things you could do and people you could meet if only you weren't in a relationship, it might be a sign you've fallen out of love.

When someone falls out of love, "They begin to shift their perspective from 'we' back to 'me,' primarily concerned with protecting their own needs, pursuing their own interests (at the expense of their partner), and building up distance or possibly resentment within the relationship," says Dokun. Constantly fantasizing about being with other people or intensely craving new experiences is a sign that you're no longer fully invested in your partner.

You're Overly Defensive

Dokun references Drs. John and Julie Gottman's theory of the "Four Horsem*n of the Apocalypse," or four dynamics that will bring a relationship to its demise: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt. We've already touched on stonewalling and contempt; defensiveness is another harmful communication tactic that shows you no longer see your partner in a positive light. Being defensive means shifting blame onto your partner in every situation as a response to feeling criticized or accused.

When you're defensive, it's impossible for your partner to air their grievances and communicate with you effectively. If you find you're being defensive in most conversations you have with your partner, you may be lacking the love it takes to keep the relationship going.

You Constantly Criticize Your Partner

Nobody likes being criticized, especially not a romantic partner. Another of the "Four Horseman." Criticism that becomes pervasive in your relationship is another sign you're falling out of love with your partner. Instead of being considerate of their feelings and expressing your disappointment in a respectful way, you assault their character every time they make a mistake or let you down in some way. According to the Gottmans, criticism is often the precursor to the other three horsem*n.

It all comes down to whether you feel your criticism stems from not loving your partner or from some other internal psychological battle. This applies to all the signs above, too. Says Dokun, "Always ask yourself, 'What fear might be influencing my reaction to my partner, and is this something I am able to address or overcome without missing out on a great love of my life?'"

You Don't Feel Compassion for Them

Whether they've had a rough day at work or are muddling through familial drama, you simply can't drum up compassion for your partner. Does that sound like you? According to Watson, this is another indicator that your relationship is moving away from a loving one. Similarly, if you're disinterested in their life—including both the hard times and "their interests and passions," says Watson—you may be falling out of love. Of course, if it's just a temporary feeling (we're not talking about experiencing a lack of compassion just one day or over one experience), there's no need to start worrying.

You Constantly Feel Irritated and Can't Find Relief

No relationship is perfect, and no matter how strong yours is, there will always be moments of irritation. Moments is the key word, though. If you find that you're constantly irritated and those feelings don't subside, this could be a sign that you're falling out of love with your partner. "Moments of irritation are a guarantee, but if you can laugh it off, roll your eyes, or have a conversation about it, it doesn’t mean your falling out of love," Bejar notes. "If there’s more irritation than fondness overall, you could be falling out of love."

You Find That Attributes You Once Liked (or Tolerated) Now Give You "the Ick"

The memes floating around on social media have some truth to them: Bejar notes that getting "the ick" (or feeling repulsed by a partner with a person you used to be in love with or have strong feelings for) is actually a very real thing, and it could be a sign that you're falling out of love with your partner. "Anyone who’s in a long-term relationship has seen the non-sexy stuff already: the stomach bug, the forgot-deodorant-day. When you’re really in love, these things are part of it. They may cause you to poke fun, but they’re not going to change your whole outlook on someone like getting "the ick" does," Bejar explains. "If you’re feeling that way about your partner on the whole, rather than just seeing something as a 'being human and doing their best,' this may be a sign you’re falling out of love."

What's the Difference Between Falling Out of Love and Becoming Comfortable in a Relationship?

The beginning of a relationship is generally marked by sparks and butterflies; as a relationship grows and evolves, those feelings shift and you become comfortable in your partnership. For some people, the absence of the big feelings that define the start of a new relationship can be confused with falling out of love. "When you are comfortable but still in love, you look forward to that time with them," says Bejar. "You don’t dread it. And you definitely wouldn’t prefer to be with someone else. Though the romantic interactions might be less frequent, you still have a desire to feel desired or feel treated in a special way by that person, and you want to do the same for them, too. The gestures might be less frequent or less fireworks, but the sentiment is the same. You also still have the element of future planning together. The commitment and the friendship is a huge part of long-term love, even if there are fewer butterflies or you’re not ripping each other’s clothes off as often."

Watson notes hat some signs you've become comfortable in your relationship—but still in love with your partner—include feeling safe to have conflict with each other; having shared routines, rituals, and ways of communicating; feeling a reduced anxiety about disappointing themwhen you have to set a limit; and having an enjoyable, connected sex life (even if the frequency has changed from when you first got together).

What to Do If You're Falling Out of Love With Your Partner

If you've determined that you are, in fact, falling out of love with your partner, it's time to determine what you'll do next. First and foremost, our experts urge you to communicate your feelings to your significant other. It's important to be clear and honest about how you're feeling: This means that knowing what you want next—either to work on your relationship with the goal of getting back to where you two were, or else to walk away—is crucial. "Before you do talk about it, make sure you get clear on what is going on," Bejar urges. "Don’t go throwing around phrases like 'I think I’m falling out of love with you' if you’re not sure that’s it. Take time to reflect on what is going on for you. What happened, and ultimately, what you want to happen."

"Communicating that you are falling out of love with your partner requires more thoughtful decision making," Watson adds. "Don’t just share it casually or off the cuff. Give it the space and time it deserves based on the seriousness of your relationship and commitment to each other." A key tip, according to the expert? "Check in on your partner’s capacity to have a serious conversation" before launching into how you feel, and when you do share your side, stick to "I statements and focus on your own perspective," Watson says.

If You Want to Get Back to Where You Were, Be Ready to Do the Work

It's possible to rebuild the love you and your partner once shared, but it'll take some work. If you know you want to get back to where you two were, Bejar recommends coupling your announcement of the feelings change with a plan of action. Her suggestion would be to say something to the effect of, "What i have to say may be shocking or hurtful, but please know that my intention is to be honest with you and show you that, despite this hardship, I am very much here to work through it together. I have thought through ideas of how that could happen, but right now what is important to me is making space for your feelings, whatever they may be.” From there, she suggests researching marriage counselors in your area and presenting the option to reach out to those professionals to your partner.

Watson suggests a similar path, but notes that "reconciliation and reconnection" can look different for every couple; for some, therapy is the answer, but it's not for all, and your partner might have different preferences than you do. "Are you interested in exploring these feelings together in couples therapy? Do you have hopes for a couples holiday or a retreat to offer you both space to rest and reconnect?Depending on what has contributed to the loss of love, you may have ideas to share," Watson says. "Infuse them into your discussion and be mindful that if your partner doesn’t feel the same, they may need time to think and process before making a decision. Allow space for them to feel and don’t forget to follow up!"

If You're Ready to Move on, Make Your Feelings Known

Unfortunately, not all relationships can be repaired, and if you know that you're ready to move on, it's time to discuss this with your partner. "If you have fallen out of love as a response to a relationship that has been deteriorating for some time and/or has been unresponsive to attempts to resuscitate in the past...reflect on your reasoning and your plans for next steps," Bejar suggests. "Get clear on your reasoning for wanting to dissolve the relationship and then let your partner know that is how you are intending to proceed."

"If you don’t want to rebuild, be open with your partner about this," Watson notes, because dragging the process out and leading them to believe the relationship can be saved isn't kind. "The last thing that either party needs is avoidance. It may seem hard to rip the bandage off and be the first person to say that things don’t feel right, but depending on how both of you are feeling, if you’re at this point it’s likely that your partner may be noticing and feeling it, too."