When my boyfriend of two years asked whether I wanted to move in with him six months ago, I didn't hesitate. It was a logical next step that I was excited about and looking forward to. After 30 moving boxes and a handful of apartment tours later, we were unpacking in our new place and decorating it together.
It was the first time I'd ever lived with a partner, and while I was thrilled to take this next step with him, I did worry a bit about how it would change our relationship. What I've learned about us and myself has surprised me and deepened our relationship.
Our dynamic has changed, mostly for the better
Before we moved in together, many friends asked whether I was ready for it or whether I could anticipate how our relationship would change. One of my worries was that we would spend too much time together and then either get bored or annoyed with each other.
We had an excellent base for our relationship, but we were going from a serious relationship to a serious relationship with roommate responsibilities. And while the change has been mainly for the good, it's changed the dynamics of our relationship and revealed information about how we live — and how we live together. The questions I had about who was going to do the grocery shopping and the dishes and when we would have date nights have thankfully all been answered over the past few months.
He's organized and does the grocery shopping, we switch off doing dishes, and I'm the handy person around the house. I make sure the plants don't die. He picks out the artwork for our gallery walls, and I hang them up. We switch off who cooks, he handles pests, and we usually mutually agree on what we should order for delivery.
However, nothing is set in stone, and the responsibilities change when one of us has a bad week; the other will go out and buy flowers or a sweet treat and pick up the housework for the other person. Above all else, we haven't lost the fun in our relationship.
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In the past, we would schedule dates and spontaneous trips around the city, looking at the days we would be free and planning how we would travel to dates together and ride bicycles home. Now, we look at our collective calendar and find ways to weave in our dates and when we can be intentional about the time we're spending together.
The time we spend together is different now
Because we live together, we have to acknowledge that not all time spent together is created equally. The other day, we discussed what technically constituted a date, whether taking out food and watching a movie or leaving the apartment to see a concert or baseball game together.
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We are constantly checking in and talking about what we need, whether it's scheduling a date, spending time with friends, or having what we call our decompressing "rot time," where we stare at our phones and go quiet for a little bit. We even had a separate conversation about what that kind of time meant for us, and how not to take it personally.
Initially, my boyfriend worried that if he asked to take some quiet time to himself in the living room while I was also home, I would think it meant he didn't want to spend time with me. We discussed that and resolved to depersonalize alone time and continuously communicate our needs, choosing when to spend time together or when we need time alone. Living together is a balance.
As with any relationship, communication is critical. Living with my boyfriend has deepened our communication, from expressing when we want to spend more time together or when one of us might want a night alone where we watch our own shows in the living room.
This change in our relationship means that every night feels like a sleepover, with us sometimes staying up late into the night to catch up with each other and laugh. We deepen our relationship by being intentional about the time we spend together and continuing to build a life together.
