Silence.
On the one hand, we all have moments in our lives where we crave it. But sometimes, silence can feel downright awkward.
When it comes to difficult conversations, silence can be incredibly uncomfortable. Our instinct is to try and fill that void and ease the tension.
But the thing is, silence can be a tool, and if you really want to get the best outcome from conflict, you need to make sure you’re wielding your silence correctly.
I have talked before about “holding the space”, and why this skill is a critical piece of mastering difficult conversations.
Why? Because by letting the silence happen we are allowing the other person time to process and react to what we are saying. Even when you are the one initiating a conversation, you still want to be the one doing the least amount of talking.
I am sure that for some of you, the idea of letting the silence fill the space is scary. And there are some negative associations with silence, like giving someone the silent treatment as a means to punish. But that is not what I am talking about here.
When having a difficult conversation emotions tends to run high. Both the person delivering the information as well as the person on the receiving end may be feeling anxious. There can also be anger, frustration, upset and a whole other host of feelings bubbling under the surface.
The reason silence is so powerful is because it gives everyone a moment to process what is being said, regulate emotions and form a response.
When people are receiving information and don’t have a moment to think it through because someone is talking non-stop, it increases the likelihood of the message being clouded. It is actually in everyone’s best interest to practice holding the space and letting the silence just be.
What is really special about compassionate, focused silence is that it is incredibly disarming. Yes, the other person will still likely react to your message... But because you will choose to remain silent and not jump in with reactions or judgments of your own, the other person’s reaction will fizzle out much faster, simply because you won’t be adding fuel to the fire.
When having difficult conversations you need to try not to assign motives. Meaning, if you decided to hold the space and allow the receiver to process what you are saying, do not sit there and assume they are defensive or angry and start formulating responses in your head if they don’t reply immediately...just assume they are thinking over what you said.
One question people often have about using this method is “how long?”, as in, how long do you let the silence stretch.
Certainly, there is no one-size-fits-all approach for this, but a good rule of thumb is to allow the silence to continue until the other party indicates they are ready to continue the conversation.
Remember, the goal here is compassion and understanding so you want to let them regroup, so if that takes a few minutes then your job is just to embrace the silence.
Using silence as a tool means that your difficult conversation will likely end with much better results. Not only will the person calm down faster, but they are more receptive to actually hearing what you’ve said because it won’t have been buried in reaction after reaction after reaction. That sets you up for a much better outcome and a much more productive relationship.
Lastly, one thing I do not recommend is leaving the end of a difficult conversation in silence.
You always want to provide some closure to the conversation, so if you’ve hit a wall where it no longer seems productive to keep talking, it may be time to acknowledge the conversation was difficult and the other person may need some time to reflect on what has been said. And that’s ok. You can suggest you reconvene in a day or so and discuss next steps and leave the conversation there.
No one wants to have difficult conversations, but you can make them less stressful with the right strategies in place. Get your copy of the Difficult Conversations Roadmap for free by clicking here.
About Diane A Ross
Diane A. Ross is an author, professional speaker, and fearless conversations mentor. After 14 years of litigation experience, Diane was known as someone who could win any argument - be that in the courtroom, or at home. An early mid-life crisis led Diane to realize her “wins” weren’t setting her up for the kind of success she wanted in life and she set out on a 10+ year path to uncover the secrets of effective communication in times of conflict. Like all good lawyers, she devoured research.
She trained in Advanced Negotiation and Mediation at Harvard Law School and became a Certified Executive Coach. In 2007, Diane started training professionals from around the world, teaching them her easy system for tackling difficult conversations with confidence, poise, and power.You can learn more about Diane at www.elephantconversations.com
