Having open conversations about finances is essential for any healthy romantic relationship. But no matter how long you’ve been lovebirds, bringing up money can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
A February 2023 study by Bread Financial found that baby boomers tend to discuss finances with their partners the least of any generation—only 13% of those surveyed admitted to talking about finances daily. Millennials were a different story; 39% claimed to discuss money daily with their partners. Yet, the study also found that “58% of millennials and 57% of Gen Z’ers report arguments with their partner over finances at least occasionally, whereas only 30% of boomers do the same.”
Key Takeaways
- Open communication about money is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- Building trust about money matters and setting shared financial goals can strengthen your relationship.
- Approach the conversation about money with empathy and understanding.
- Create financial transparency by discussing income, expenses, and budgeting.
Not all money conversations are good ones, and there is such a thing as talking about the topic too much. Rather than prioritize frequency, it is best to focus on quality.
Certified financial planner R.J. Weiss says one of the easiest ways to start is to “Concentrate on future goals instead of past spending habits. Start with a question like, ‘What do we want our finances to look like in three years?’” This kind of open-ended question avoids finger pointing and provides a neutral starting point to discuss how each of you values money.
Regular and healthy talks about money can help you and your partner unpack financial fears and money scripts, as well as plan for financial independence and shared milestones.
Talking About Money Matters
A recent Forbes Advisor survey of 1,000 divorcees found that their number one reason for getting married was financial security (42%). Although finances didn’t top the reasons why they divorced, money matters played a significant role in common conflicts among couples who wound up divorcing. Forty-six percent reported career choices as the most prevalent topic of disagreement, while 43% said the division of household labor, and 28% named finances.
If not addressed proactively, money issues like conflicting spending habits, opposing views on saving and investing, and dead-end jobs can breed resentment over time. Keeping lines of communication open within couples is essential to the overall solvency of a committed relationship, but it is just the first step. Discussing spending priorities, savings goals, and debt management can help you find compromises and solutions as a team.
Next, you may need to have financial conversations with children, aging parents, ex-spouses, co-parents, business partners, and anyone else who relies on your household income. Setting priorities within your partnership can help you speak with one voice when discussing boundaries with dependents.
Establish a Foundation of Trust
Many people were raised to believe that talking about money is rude or taboo. Raising the topic of money before your relationship is on solid emotional ground can feel like a recipe for disaster.
Yet, early transparency around money can help you determine if this partnership is going to work in the long term. It is less about how much money is in each bank account and more about whether you both see eye to eye about how you spend, save, and value money.
Starting these conversations from a nonjudgmental place helps both partners feel safe to reveal the emotions behind their money habits and to shift to more sustainable patterns in the future.
Weiss says it’s best to make financial discussions a regular part ofyourrelationship routine, at least monthly. This normalizes conversations—rather than arguments—about money. You can use a common monthly billing cycle as the anchor to review your numbers. If you want to dig deeper into concepts, you can agree to read a personal finance book or listen to a money-focused podcast and discuss it monthly.
These periodic check-ins are opportunities to disclose money woes and craft strategies together. There are also times to acknowledge wins like promotions, investment growth, and debt paydown. Knowing your partner can handle the good and the bad is really what healthy relationships are made of.
However, you must expect that these conversations are going to be emotional. Try not to lash out in fear or anger when gathering new information about your partner’s money hygiene. Also, don’t beat yourself up about any slip-ups throughout the month. Listen with empathy and devise a plan to set things right. The intention is to build a culture of accountability and discipline, not one of extreme austerity or shame.
Tip
It may take time and care, but openly sharing money experiences without blame ultimately builds trust and strengthens intimacy.
Get Excited About Shared Financial Goals
The best part of sharing a life with someone is the prospect of doing what you love with someone you love.
Chances are, shared interests are what brought you and your partner together in the first place. Hone in on the meaningful life events and accomplishments you’d like to share with each other, and build conversations around the part each of you will play in ensuring that those milestones come to pass.
Once you get past the initial awkwardness, setting shared money goals can be incredibly bonding.
“Couples should set goals both individually and together and should understand what each of them is trying to accomplish and work towards,” says Lawrence D. Sprung, a wealth advisor and the host of the Mitlin Money Mindset podcast. “Although income and salaries may be different, as long as your goals are aligned, the combined incomes should be viewed as being available towards both your individual goals [and your goals] as a couple.”
Talking about money with your partner ensures that you both have a solid game plan to advance your lives as a couple.
Use These Tips to Talk to Your Partner About Money
Choosing the right time and place for money discussions ensures a nonconfrontational and supportive environment to tackle what could be a sensitive topic for you or your partner. These are effective strategies for initiating a conversation about money with your partner:
Work Through the Details
At first glance, figuring out the nitty-gritty of budgeting and expenses together can feel really overwhelming.
To make combining your finances more manageable, both partners have to be honest about their incomes, debts, and other financial obligations. Excessive privacy or vagueness breeds mistrust. Trust that you can share the details with your partner and that they won’t judge you but instead serve as a supportive sounding board.
Married couples can file their U.S. taxes jointly or separately. While filing jointly is most common, filing separately can be advantageous if there are large differences in medical bills, debts, and income between partners. The details matter.
Discuss Debt
“The important thing here is to have an honest and transparent conversation about your respective debt,” Sprung says. “Put it all on the table and begin to have a conversation about who is going to take care of the debt, one of you or both, and put a plan together to start extinguishing it immediately so you can start off on a clean slate as a couple.”
Couples approach debt in various ways. Some combine finances and include premarital debt in their joint financial goals, while others choose not to work together to pay off individual debt.
“Another approach I’ve seen work is to split debt repayment based on eachpartner’s income level,” Weiss says. “This method makes a lot of sense when thepartnerwith higher debt, often due to student loans, also has a higher income.”
If either of you is carrying debt from a prior relationship, expect that these discussions might be more heated than those related to the debt you accumulate together. Rely on the foundation of trust to create a plan that you both can commit to.
Use Technology
Gone are the days of spreadsheets and shoe boxes full of receipts. Instead, you can use trackers on your credit and bank cards to closely monitor spending. If you share cards, all the transactions will be visible and accessible to discuss at your monthly money meeting. If you want to combine your finances, try apps that combine bank accounts and track spending as you swipe.
The budgeting app Mint switched to Credit Karma in 2024 and no longer offers the same budgeting features. However, it will keep past data around net worth and add new finance trackers.The EveryDollar app and YNAB (You Need a Budget) are paid alternatives.
To curb frivolous spending or celebrate debt paydown, you can agree to set spending alerts on your accounts. Establish autopay to avoid any penalties or late fees. Don’t rely solely on memory and willpower to reach your collective goals, especially long-term ones like retiring, buying a house, or paying off student loans and consumer debt.
Swap ‘Shoulds’ for ‘Coulds’
Personal finance conversations are often laden with regret, no matter how much or how little money a person has. Hindsight is 20/20, and most people recognize that they could have made smarter money decisions at some point.
Rather than focus on what you or your partner should have done in the past, focus on the future. Consider what you could do now and which strategies resonate most with your financial goals. When talking about money, trade past-oriented shoulds with forward-thinking coulds.
For example, instead of criticizing yourself (or your partner) for not sticking to the budget last month, focus on adjustments that will help you stay on track next month. Keep a positive and hopeful attitude when addressing household finances.
Don’t Wait
It is easy to put off money conversations, but don’t wait too long. It’s better to have early and regular communication about finances in flux than to wait for a perfect moment that isn’t likely to come.
There will always be a payment that hasn’t cleared or an account issue to troubleshoot. That’s the very purpose of having these conversations regularly. Together, you can build solid money habits within your partnership and share oversight of your financial life.
Make It an Occasion
“Make these conversations something you look forward to. I’ve seen couples order takeout from one of theirfavorite restaurants, get dressed up, or open a bottle of wine,” Weiss says.
These money chats on a date night can be great for confirming if your timeline for the future will match up with the growth of your savings and investment accounts. They can also mark money wins for one or both of you. And these enjoyable settings can mute the blow of financial setbacks.
However, these occasions aren’t ideal for crunching numbers or tackling highly sensitive points of contention. In both cases, you should work with a professional. Accountants, couples counselors, and even tax preparers should be consulted in their offices or in a quiet, private setting where you can get the most value from their expertise.
Seek Outside Help When Needed
Sometimes, you and your partner might feel stuck on money issues even after repeated constructive attempts to work through things together. To get unstuck, consider getting unbiased guidance from a financial professional. Certified experts are required to stay abreast of the latest trends, tools, and tactics to make the most of any situation.
If talks consistently get heated and communication breaks down, try couples counseling to have a neutral party on hand to moderate difficult conversations. A therapist can help reveal the root issues driving money conflicts and provide tools to discuss finances in a healthy manner.
Meeting with a couples financial advisor can offer an impartial outside perspective. An expert can assess your complete financial picture collaboratively and map out customized strategies to help you gain clarity on financial decisions or overcome hurdles.
Other professionals you should seek include career counselors, headhunters, investment advisors, bank account managers, and more.
Tip
Debtors Anonymous offers free in-person, online, and phone-based fellowship for singles and couples looking to change their mindset about money.
How Can I Start the Money Talk without Causing a Fight?
Don’t spring it on your spouse or partner suddenly, and don’t come on too strong. Ease into it by mentioning that you’d like to set aside time to casually discuss your hopes and goals related to money. Pick a relaxed day without distractions. Frame it as a chance to dream together, not point fingers.
What Are Some Usual Challenges That Couples Have with Money?
Some of the most common money issues between couples include fears about the economy, saving vs. spending, and how to communicate about money, according to an Orion survey. Nearly half of couples surveyed said that they considered dishonesty about money a form of infidelity.
How Can Shared Goals Help?
Having a common vision to work toward builds unity and teamwork. It motivates you to compromise or make sacrifices for each other’s benefit. Having a singular and shared goal can also highlight your money strengths and weaknesses. Together, you can improve habits that will sustain your relationship.
Are There Resources for Managing Money as a Couple?
Yes. Try apps like Honeydue or Zeta. They help couples budget and track finances together. Sites like CoupleWise offer courses and tips. Or meet with a financial advisor or counselor for personalized guidance.
When Should We Seek Outside Help with Money Issues?
If you constantly argue about the same topics, don’t struggle alone. Seek counseling or financial help. Money is a top cause of relationship problems, but professionals can help.
What Are Financial Red Flags in a Partner That I Shouldn’t Ignore?
Secrecy about money, uncontrolled spending, reckless gambling or investing, avoiding paying debts, and repeated unwillingness to discuss finances openly can be problematic. Use caution if these are ongoing concerns.
The Bottom Line
Transparent communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, money talks included.
Start with trust and empathy. These early discussions can focus on establishing a baseline of understanding about how your individual money scripts need to change if you’re going to share a future. Raising financial matters with your partner isn’t just about discussing debt. You also need to set shared financial goals, discuss career and income changes, and adjust budgets to suit your needs.
Since financial plans change over a lifetime, expect that the discussion will always continue. Pace yourself. If some topics are heavier than others, give it time and patience before revisiting intractable issues with the help of experts. Whether you combine finances or keep them separate, neither partner should be kept in the dark. Financial transparency is a pillar of a successful relationship.
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