We’ve already talked about how to know it’s time for a friend break-up, but how do you know that someone would make a good friend? Here are four “green flags” that suggest you might want to keep someone in your life.
They express positive interest without going all in immediately. If you come from a childhood where a caregiver didn’t have strong boundaries, you may gravitate toward relationships that go really deep really quickly. That’s totally expected, but it can lead you to friendships that aren’t healthy for you.
On the other hand, if you come from a childhood where a caregiver was harsh or critical of you, or if they didn’t offer positive feedback often enough, you may find yourself in relationships with people who don’t show interest in you. That can be tough and painful, because you can end up chasing someone who doesn’t want to be a part of your life.
So if you have either the tendency to go too deep too quickly or the tendency to seek people who aren’t into you, it can help to notice whenever you’re sharing your life story immediately (or when you’re gravitating toward someone who’s sharing their life story immediately) or whenever you’re chasing someone who isn’t interested in you. Just noticing those tendencies can make a huge difference, and puts you in a position where you can shift your behavior if you’d like. Fortunately, you don’t need to be drawn to the healthy thing in order to do the healthy thing.
If you resonate with either tendency, you might find positive but moderately-paced interactions unappealing. I’d encourage you to experiment with investing time in friendships that feel positive and that go into intimacy slowly, even if it feels a little odd, and even if it doesn’t seem to have the irresistible magnetism of other friendships you may have. You might find that in the long term, that slow-but-steady and affirming friendship feels like a more wholesome fit for you.
They share your most important values. You don’t need to have everything in common, but friendships can get complicated and can hurt you quite a bit if you don’t agree on the basics of what matters most in life.
For example, if you’re a recovering perfectionist, having a friend who’s focused on achievement might make your growth a lot more difficult. While that may not be a deal-breaker for you, it’s definitely something worth considering.
Again, you don’t need to agree perfectly on all of your values. For example, if you value independence and your friend values community, those can definitely be compatible in a friendship. But if a potential friend already agrees with you on your non-negotiable values, that’s a great start. In fact, if you want to take a few moments now to jot down some of your own non-negotiable values that you want to make sure the people in your life have, then you’ll be able to use that as a guide as you decide who you want to invest your limited time in.
You enjoy your time together. Even if someone seems like a great friend on paper, if you spend all your time together feeling badly or feeling bored, that’s probably not a friendship that’s going to work well in the long run.
That said, expect some interactions to not go “perfectly.” Misunderstandings are going to happen. You may have awkward silences from time to time. You may not entirely agree with everything they say. But as long as you have a generally nice or positive time with this potential friend, that’s a promising sign that you may want to keep them in your life.
If you’re not used to healthy friendships, as I mentioned briefly in #1, you might not feel the same irresistibility in a healthy friendship that you might feel in your other, perhaps less healthy friendships. That’s actually sometimes a good sign! That slow burn is often what burns the longest and the most satisfyingly.
They respect you. This is really the bare minimum for anyone you interact with by choice, but it’s unfortunately an easy one to gloss over. A good sign that someone respects you is if they respect your “no’s.” That is, when you say no to them, whether you’re saying no to a drink or saying no to a conversational topic, do they listen to your “no” without making you feel badly? If so, that’s a promising sign that someone might make a great addition to your life.
Another sign of respect is that they take you seriously. Do they make an effort to listen to you and understand you? Do they validate your feelings? Those are all great qualities in a friend. And if a potential friend doesn’t make an effort to “get” you, that might mean they’re not a great fit.
A last big sign of respect is flexibility, or openness to influence. That is, are they open to changing their mind on something because of something you said? Are they willing to compromise on where to eat if you’re not into their favorite restaurant— and can they do so without pouting? That’s a phenomenal quality that will help you thrive in a friendship together in the long term.
This is by no means an all-encompassing list of everything it’s good to look for in a friend, but I hope it offers a useful starting point. And of course, if you want to meet new friends, you know where to go.
Ashley Kirsner
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