Life Lessons From A Thousand Books · Follow
4 min read · Jan 15, 2024
The book “The Defining Decade” focuses on Meg Jay’s experience as a clinical psychologist, seeing people between the ages of 30 and 40 who are paralyzed by having a “lack of vision” in their 20s. Basically, it’s a guide on how not to feel lost in your 30s and 40s by taking action in your 20s.
Previously, the twenties were not like they are now: until about a century ago, you went from being the “child of” to “husband/wife of” and “father/mother of.” In other words, you transitioned from your parents’ house directly to getting married and having children.
Now it’s different. The twenties are a time of freedom, a period where you begin to become independent, take steps in the working world, and look for the partner you’ll have for a lifetime. It’s the time where you define how the rest of your life will be.
Moreover, twenty-year-olds face a contradiction. On the one hand, we hear that “30 is the new 20,” meaning you can spend your 20s without doing anything significant or adult-like because you’ll have time for that throughout your life. But, on the other hand, in all series and movies, we hear about how the 20s are the best years of our lives, as if they are the only thing that matters, almost like an obsession of society with this stage.
The author divides the book into three parts: work, love, and body/mind.
Jay starts this section of the book by introducing the idea of “identity capital,” which is the collection of skills, relationships, and professional resources we accumulate throughout our lives.
Many people in their twenties are not improving any of these aspects by wanting only to have fun or accepting jobs without a future. The college degree doesn’t really count, as “everyone has one” nowadays. Never accumulating this capital and never getting good jobs leads to depression and anxiety when you reach 30 and have to start from scratch with internships, without experience…
Jay’s advice for twenty-year-olds is to accept the job with more professional capital, where you build more relationships, learn more, grow more… Not necessarily the one where you make the most money.
She also emphasizes the importance of having a defined story for recruiters: tell in a straightforward manner on your CV and in interviews how what you did before relates to what you want to do now, and how that will lead you to what you want to do in the future.
Regarding love, the author resorts to the famous phrase “the most important decision of your life is who you marry.” The person you marry (or, let’s say, the father/mother of your child) will be related to you in all areas of your life: work, financial, family, romantic…
She begins by pointing out how much we’ve delayed the age of marriage and how late into our 20s we continue the culture of “flings.” A consistent theme among the people Jay talks to when they are 30 is that they wish they had thought earlier about serious relationships and marriage.
Jay’s advice in this section is not to be afraid to enter into a serious relationship even if you are young and not to waste time dating people with no future. She also warns about being careful when moving in with someone you don’t see a future with because it’s very difficult to get out of there afterward.
People in their 20s react worse than normal to negative information. We take it more personally. Many people try to change their feelings by leaving the situation (job, relationship) that causes them, instead of addressing the feelings or the conflict.
The anxiety that many people in their 20s have makes them constantly fear being left, fired, or abandoned. This can lead them to resign or end their relationships themselves so that they won’t be surprised. People think that the moment something goes wrong, they will be fired, but jobs are not that fragile. Neither are relationships.
Jay’s advice is to learn to calm down and realize that these little setbacks are not significant problems.
- Having goals can make us happier and more confident. Setting goals in your twenties can lead to greater mastery and purpose in your thirties.
- Having a close group of friends and no one outside our bubble hinders our intellectual development. Go out and meet people of different ages, ideas, socioeconomic levels…
- In general, in your twenties, you tend to disregard the future in favor of the present. We don’t save enough, we don’t take good care of ourselves, we don’t invest in relationships… Having some kind of “memento mori” (a reminder that you are going to die) is good motivation to hurry.
“The future is not written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So, claim your maturity. Be intentional. Get to work. Choose your family. Do the math. Create your own certainty. Don’t define yourself by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.”
For me, the best part of the book is the stories and examples. Link to the book here.
