Why Do Men Always Seem To Come Back Once They Think You Have Moved On? (2024)

Today, we will explore the ancient art of why men always seem to come back when you ignore them.

This is actually something that we’ve noticed upon interviewing our success stories – people who’ve come through our program and successfully gotten their exes back.

We found that typically after they “got over their exes,” their exes seemingly wanted them back.

We went through many years of trying to understand why this phenomenon occurred.

Sure, we took some wrong turns and assumptions along the way, but now we finally have conclusive answers for why ignoring a man works to make them want to come back.

Why Would Ignoring An Ex Make Them Want To Come Back To You?

You can’t talk about ignoring an ex without first talking about the concept of a no contact rule.

A no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose. The intent of this tactic should never be used to make an ex miss you, but rather should be used to outgrow your ex. That way, by the time you end up reaching out to them, they’re already intrigued and interested in talking to you.

It’s kind of counter-intuitive, though, right?

The no contact rule psychologically taps into something called “The Theory of Reactance.”

Understanding The Theory of Reactance

The most obvious lowest hanging fruit is the psychology theory of reactance:

Reactance: We are all born with or have inherent behavioral freedoms, but when one of those freedoms becomes threatened, or someone takes it away, we react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

See Also

Why Men Pull Away And Then Come Back3 Easy Ways to Respond when He Comes Back After Pulling Away

So oftentimes, the simple fact that you are ignoring your ex taps into the psychological concept of reactance, but that really doesn’t explain the full story.

Frequently we find that most exes who have a no contact rule done to them are actually not going to reach out to you, so what’s going on here?

The Dynamic Between Avoidants and Anxious Attachment Styles

We know from interviewing many clients and watching their exes that most of our clients tend to have an anxious attachment style.

They’re the ones who will blow their ex’s phone up after a breakup and do obsessive things like begging for their ex back or showing up on their ex’s door.

Interestingly people with anxious attachment styles are usually attracted to those with avoidant attachment styles, despite the obvious disconnect. Avoidants run from emotional intimacy, while anxious people are the most emotionally vulnerable lot out there. Understanding how avoidants operate will give us key insights into why men come back after being ignored.

The first thing you need to understand is that avoidant types tend to romanticize past lovers or idealize yet-to-be-found future lovers, as both concepts keep true vulnerability at a safe distance.

People have a big misconception about avoidant attachment styles: they don’t ever want any type of intimacy or long-term relationship. In fact, if you were to actually interview an avoidant, you would find it’s the exact opposite.

They want nothing more than for that to happen.

However, their desire for companionship is often overshadowed by their fear of losing independence if someone gets too close.

So what do they do? They simply push that person away, yet that doesn’t mean they won’t miss that person.

In fact, the mere act of pushing someone away, with enough time passing, causes the avoidant to miss them more or romanticize and have these extreme bouts of nostalgic reverie. Why is this?

It’s safer for avoidants to admire from afar than it is to admire from up close. So when you’re using any type of no contact tactic, or you’re ignoring your ex, you’re actually giving them that natural space they need to begin to miss you and see you in a more favorable light. The goal is to reach out to them while they’re seeing you in this more favorable light, so they want to come back to you.

Tips To Make Your Ex Come Back After You Ignore Them

Now that you have a basic understanding of why ignoring your ex can help make them want to come back to you, let’s talk about some actionable tips to improve the odds of your ex coming back when you ignore them.

Here are my two best tips for making them come back after you ignore them.

1. Don’t just ignore your ex show them you’re moving on
2. Outgrow your ex and shift your priorities

Allow me to expand.

Tip #1: It’s Not Enough to Just Ignore Your Ex; You Need to Show Them You’re Moving On

I started ex-boyfriend recovery in 2012, and immediately when we first started dissecting what works to win exes back, we stumbled across the no contact rule. The no contact rule was still a relatively unknown concept back then, and you couldn’t find much about it online as you can now.

Today it’s probably the most popular and most recommended post-breakup strategy in this space. So 10 years ago, when people talked about the no contact rule, they didn’t look past it more than the reactance concept of manipulating your exes to make them miss you.

However, as the years progressed, we’ve found that’s not the right intent for no contact.

We found what matters the most during the no contact rule is that you have this mindset shift internally – you get over your ex and outgrow them. Then when you’re in that secure space and you begin to talk to your ex, you’ll find the results are a lot different. This actually makes perfect sense when you consider avoidant psychology.

Here’s what we know about avoidants from countless examples:

Avoidants typically will not allow themselves to miss you immediately after a breakup. It’s not until they feel safe that they’re going to miss you.

The only way they actually feel safe is if they feel like there’s no chance of ever getting you back. This can be done if they actually see you moving on. This is why we actually advise our clients to do things during the no contact rule to indicate to your ex that you’re moving on.

This could be anything from going on dates or doing fun things without your ex to show them that you’re not hung up on them anymore.

Tip #2: Outgrow Your Ex and Shift Your Priorities – Magnum Opus Concept

Most people reading this probably have anxious tendencies, so they obsess over getting their ex back and neglect every other aspect of their lives. Their whole identity is wrapped up in this relationship, and their world will not become normal until they fix this one problem.

Yet the irony is that the only way to potentially fix this problem is to move on from your ex and find a way to shift your priorities so they are not your first priority. This is often times where you’ll hear me talk about the magnum opus concept. Now, what is a magnum opus?

A magnum opus is basically your life’s work and what you want to be remembered for when you die.

Here are some examples of a magnum opus:

• Queen (the band) – Bohemian Rhapsody
• Stephen King – The dark tower series
• George R.R Martin – Game of Thrones
• J.R.R. Tolkien – Lord of the Rings
• Tom Brady – 6 super bowls he won
• Michael Jordan – Never lost an NBA Finals matchup
• Steve Jobs – the iPhone
• Mark Zuckerberg – Facebook

These are all examples of these people’s life’s work.

Each of these people focused so intensely on their craft that they achieved greatness. Now you don’t need to be the next world-renowned genius, but you should have a larger life purpose to work towards.

You need to divert all the obsessive thoughts you have about your ex and refocus them towards other aspects of your life that give your life meaning. The more you focus on other areas of your life, the more your ex will take notice because you’re not obsessed with them anymore, and they’re no longer your top priority.

This is often one of the things that someone with an avoidant attachment needs to see to romanticize their time together with you.

So the million-dollar question is, how do you achieve a magnum opus?

This is more of a question about balancing your time, and it’s something I personally struggle with. I’ve previously talked about the concept of the holy trinity. This concept details that the most important aspects of your life can be divided into three categories: health, wealth, and relationships.

The ultimate goal is to equally balance your day, so you’re spending efficient time on all three categories: therefore, you’re not wasting time sulking over your ex. However, the longer I’ve been on this earth, the more I realize that there may be a hidden category that we’re not talking about.

I still agree that the holy trinity concept is important when you’re looking at time management aspects, but what’s missed is this magnum opus concept. I suppose an argument can be made that there’s a fourth category: the magnum opus category- trying to find that one thing that you want to have a legacy for.

I know this may seem off-topic because it’s not a strategy to get your ex back, but this is actually about spending your time correctly during no contact. This concept will help you emerge out of it as a more holistic person, rather than someone who was obsessing over their ex the whole time.

Lately, in my life, I’ve been trying to divide my time into four distinct categories.

1. Health: I like to go on runs.
2. Wealth: Obviously, I plan and execute ex-recovery content and help people solve relationship issues!
3. Relationships: I spend time with my wife and daughter.
4. Magnum Opus: I work on writing my book – a novel that is completely different from all the relationship and psychology stuff I work on here. This novel gives me a sense of meaning and purpose because I’ve always wanted to write one.

All this might sound mundane, but I feel incredibly privileged to check all these off every day.

Am I able to give equal time to all four aspects of my life every day? No, but I try my best. Of course, things slip away sometimes.

For example, if I’m trying to solve a huge problem at work, my health might get neglected because I can’t make time to exercise. Same thing with the magnum opus – sometimes I’ll get an idea, and I’ll be so stuck that I don’t want to do anything else except work on that, and then everything else suffers.

I always notice my best days when I feel like I earned a good night’s sleep are always those days when I get very close to balancing each individual category of my life. So my argument for you is these are the type of thoughts you need to be having if you want to try to get your ex back.

It’s not enough just to ignore them anymore; you also have to do something productive with your time to show them that you’re moving on from them.

Conclusion:

Men come back after you ignore them for two main reasons – reactance and the psychology of avoidants.

Reactance basically means that we have some inherent behavioral freedoms, and when they are taken away, we try to get them back.

So if you take away your ex’s right to talk to you by ignoring them, they will want to talk to you more. Your ex likely has an avoidant attachment style, and avoidants don’t let themselves miss you until they feel like you have moved on.

Therefore, your goal should be to institute a no contact rule and use that time to focus on bettering other aspects of your life, so you outgrow your ex and show them you are not obsessing over them anymore.