What to Ask Instead of “Where Are You From” (2024)

I was at a business school alumni event last week, when the dreaded question of “where are you from” once again resurfaced. It was posed to me by a fellow alum from Western Europe, who was shocked and surprised when I responded “Michigan.” “Oh, so you’re American!”.

Yes… you can be non-white, and still be American. I should have known better than to answer the question and should have asked for clarification. Do you want to know where I was born? Or are you trying to ascertain my ethnicity? And in either case, why does it really matter? How is it relevant to our conversation? I could be from your country, or any country. We’ve just met each other, and this is the most important thing on your mind? You don’t even know my name.

I was born and raised in America, in the midwest, no less. My parents immigrated from Taiwan to the United States in the late 70’s. My high school of 2,000+ students had a population of 15% students of East Asian and South Asian descent, mostly all first-generation children of immigrants. Then I moved to New York, the most diverse city in the world, where I lived for 10 years surrounded by people from all over the globe.

It was a rude cultural awakening for me when I lived in France for 2+ years to pursue my MBA. On campus, with 44 nationalities, we embraced and celebrated our multi-culturalism. Many of us had grown up in one country, carried the ethnicity of a different culture, lived in multiple countries, and held dual citizenships. We spoke multiple languages and mixed easily with each other.

Living in Paris was a different story. I was constantly reminded of my “other-ness”. I would be grocery shopping, when a curious grocery store employee would stop and ask me “where I was from”: Chinois? Japonais? Coréean? Thailandaise?” he guessed, rapid-fire. “No,” I responded curtly, to all the guesses, leaving the aisle.

I’d be walking on the street when an elderly French woman would approach me and start speaking to me in Japanese without saying hello first. I looked at her with a blank face and kept walking.

I was going through luggage screening at Gare du Nord when the security officer stopped to bow to me and say “konnichiwa.” “I’m not Japanese,” I told her, hastily grabbing my bag off the belt. “Then what are you?” she asked, confused. “American,” I said, gruffly. “Sorry,” she apologized. At least she seemed genuine.

On the metro, I’d be listening to music, when a man would stop me and try to talk to me. He’d ask me “where I was from,” and then followed me through the metro station as I transferred to another train. “I really like your look,” he told me. I kept my headphones in the whole time, moving fast, trying to lose him. He didn’t leave me alone until he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I said “yes”. It shouldn’t matter whether I have a boyfriend or not — don’t harass women.

At professional networking events, strangers dressed in very nice suits and holding themselves very confidently would come up to me out of the blue without even saying hello nor introducing themselves and ask “Vous être Chinois?”. “No,” I responded curtly, moving away from them.

I had mostly put these experiences away in my mind when that French alum brought these memories rushing back into my recollection. Asserting my birthplace and where I spent all my life in France was one thing, having to do it in my home country in front of this foreign visitor was another. It all of a sudden made me very tired and unhappy to have to assert my identity in front of this stranger who barely knew me and was judging me based on race.

In what situation is it ever okay to make assumptions about someone based on the way they look? Why do you care about my race so much? I could tell you I was of Taiwanese heritage which is the answer you seek, but that wouldn’t really accurately describe me, would it? As someone who has spent the majority of her life growing up in America, I certainly carry more American attitudes and outlook than someone who has grown up in Taiwan.

In France, acknowledging each other with “hello” and “goodbye” is extremely important. Every time you enter a shop or a restaurant, see your colleague, or go to a party, you always say “Bonjour” and “Au revoir” to every individual. It is par for the course. Not to do so is considered extremely rude. So why wasn’t I given this same courtesy? How did the burning curiosity of strangers override a ritual that is so ingrained in their every day life? Did being “other” also mean that they didn’t have to treat me with the same respect as everyone else in their life? Did they all of a sudden forget their manners?

I want to know — if I told you my race, would you continue talking to me? Or would I satisfy your curiosity as a zoo animal and then you’d continue on your way, not giving me a second thought? You ask for my race so easily and yet when I return the question, you seem so shocked and surprised that the answer is as obvious as day that you are French. No sir, unlike you, I do not make assumptions about people. Just because you are speaking French doesn’t mean that you are French.

Ethnicity is only one facet of a person. People who continually ask “where are you from” will only ever get a shallow understanding of the other person. People who ask that question aren’t trying to understand someone, they ask that question to racially profile someone and put them in a box. Once you’re in the box, you’ll never leave the box.

I am American. Period. Accept the answer, because it’s the truth. Do not follow up with the asinine, “But where are you REALLY from,” or worse, “But what ARE you?” (Answer: a human being, a**hole). If someone tells you their truth, do not invalidate their response by asking them the same question for the 2nd or 3rd time. Do not be so narrow-minded that you cannot comprehend a person who has a separate ethnic heritage and background. Unlike your historically hom*ogenous country, America is a diverse place with a rich history of immigrants changing the fabric of the culture of the nation.

I was recounting my experience in France with a friend who was born and raised in Taiwan and also lived for 10+ years in America. While pursuing her MBA in Spain, she had a similar experience. Her classmates couldn’t understand why she was upset and bothered by the constant questioning. My friends had similar responses. “They’re just curious.”

If you really want to know “where I am from,” why don’t you try asking these more specific questions instead:

• Where were you born
• Where did you grow up
• What culture do you identify with
• What is your nationality

Questions that are not acceptable:

• But where are your PARENTS from
• But where are you REALLY from
• But what ARE you
• Okay, but what’s your REAL name (Yes, I get that questions sometimes too. Need I show people my official passport and birth certificate to convince people of my “real” name? This is getting exhausting).

Do:

• Show someone the same respect that you would give your fellow citizens and friends, regardless of their skin color or their physical appearance.

DON’T:

• Change your behavior based on someone else’s outward appearance nor make assumptions about someone before asking them for clarity first.

It is a wondrous thing to be accepted for who you are and not to be judged by your physical appearance. As a whole society, we aren’t there yet. But we can start to be inclusive and more genuinely understanding of one another by avoiding vague questions such as “where are you from.” Ask questions with a pure intent to understand one another, not to label one another, and you’ll find yourself with richer conversations and deeper connections with other people.