What is passive-aggressive language and why should you care? (2024)

No offence, but…

It doesn’t really matter which words follow this phrase, one thing is for sure. You are going to take offence at whatever is said. Why are these two words so insulting, you might ask?

Simple.

Because this is a textbook example of passive-aggressive language, a speech style in which speakers choose to express themselves indirectly aggressive rather than directly aggressive.

Let us explain why this matters. In general, and especially if you want to be an effective manager in the workplace.

What are the main four communication styles?

Passive aggressive language behaviour is one of the four main styles of communication. As you may know, at I/RISE we’re getting ready to releasing our long-awaited I/RISE Language Types.

Next to these individual profiles, there are also four basic communication styles that every person can use in different situations.

They are as follows:

• A passive communication style, characterised by the inability to express feelings, needs and opinions. Passive communicators directly avoid saying what they think. “It really doesn’t matter that much”, is a prime example of a passive communication style. Avoidance also is at the heart of the passive communicator’s body language and voice volume: speaking quietly, looking at the floor and a poor body posture are all symptoms of this style of communication.
• An aggressive communication style: speaking in a loud and demanding voice, maintaining intense eye contact and forcing your needs and opinions upon others are all indicators of someone communicating in an aggressive manner. Don’t be mistaken, this style is similar to an assertive way of speaking, but they have one vital differentiator: respect. An assertive speaker expresses their needs, but in a respectful manner.

Let’s look at an example to fully understand the difference:

- “Hey! What makes you so important that you don’t have to wait in line like the rest of us?” (Aggressive)

- Excuse me; there is actually a line here. It would be better if you could wait your turn like the rest of us.” (An assertive, respectful response)

• Assertive speakers, as you already know by now, are able to express their own needs, desires, ideas and feelings, while also considering the needs of others. This communication style is considered the most effective form of communication by many and is seen as a tactic to minimise conflict, control anger, have your needs better met and have more positive relationships with the people around you. “I feel frustrated when you are late for a meeting” is something an assertive speaker could say.
• Last but not least, the communication style that’s the focus of this article, the passive-aggressive communication style. Backhanded compliments, making sarcastic comments under your breath, giving someone the silent treatment, in short, the expression of hostility in a way that isn’t necessarily hostile. Body language also comes into play, with eye-rolls being passive-aggressive communicators their all time favourite.

Framed politely, yes! Conveying a negative statement, also yes.

Passive-aggressive speakers have difficulty acknowledging their anger and may feel powerless or stuck. Linguistically, these communicators find - often subconsciously - a way to express themselves that usually is the opposite of the way they actually feel.

"Passive-aggressive discourse is a way of masking criticism, negativity and noncompliance by linguistically distancing ourselves from the slander or critique," says Jenny Lederer, Ph.D., assistant professor of linguistics at San Francisco State University. She argues that being passive-aggressive is reflected in a speaker's semantic, syntactic and pragmatic choices.

"A passive-aggressive speaker will often frame their commentary as polite, while actually conveying negative sentiment. For example, someone might begin with a compliment, "I really like your dress ..." or some sort of preface, "don't take this the wrong way ..." and pair it with a negative question with a hidden message: 'Isn't that style from last year?' (i.e., that style is old)", Lederer said.

Should you care? Sure. Whatever.

All jokes aside; you should care. Not only about the passive-aggressive form of communication, but about all four communication styles.

Understanding the underlying needs of the people you talk to will give you the information you need to build meaningful relationships. Being able to communicate effectively by knowing how to use your own language accordingly is one of the most important business skills of the future.

Communicating effectively is understanding your role in the conversation, the power play at hand, and knowing how you can use language tools, depending on the situation you find yourself in, to achieve your business goals.

About I/RISE

At I/RISE we dive into behavioural linguistics, the science-based use of language to persuade. Understanding how fear and language are correlated and how this has an influence on your day-to-day life is key in making the most out of any conversation that you have, both in your personal life as well as in your professional career.

Language is a box of tricks inside of us. Yet few of us realise how powerful language actually is. That's why we show you how to use the power of language, psychology and business knowledge to achieve your goals.

We've combined years of leadership experience, psychological and linguistics research to create a methodology that will help you unlock your full potential.

Our research is ever-growing, and as we share more of our findings, we invite you to join other professionals in starting this journey with us. Start with thisfree language archetypequiz and sign up for ouremail list.