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Many couples can relate to the reality that silence is not golden, especially after a disagreement. Healthy communication repairs and restores relational rifts, while silence can be deafening in its destruction of interpersonal intimacy and trust.
Yet some punish partners with quiet displeasure, appearing aloof and emotionally unavailable. Research reveals the negative consequences of this passive-aggressive approach to conflict.
Silence Can Sabotage a Relationship
Christine E. Rittenour et al. (2019), in a piece entitled “Socializing the Silent Treatment,” examined the practice within families, shedding valuable light on how this method of communicating displeasure is used within relationships.i In the study, adult children participants reported that their silent-treatment behaviors were negatively related to their self-esteem, and their satisfaction with their primary parent was negatively related to that parent’s silent treatment. Yet the implications go much further.
Rittenour et al. noted that although interpersonal displeasure is inevitable, relationships can nonetheless be sustained and even enhanced when partners “warmly and openly” discuss discontent. They noted that although negativity stems from expressions of hostility or avoiding direct discussion of issues, covert displays of displeasure are problematic as well.
The Severity of Silence
Rittenour et al. described the silent treatment as the “strategic enactment of aloofness, avoidance, and dismissive behaviors that discomfort and frustrate recipients.” They recognized that the silent treatment is motivated by a desire to create uncertainty within the recipient, who doesn’t know how the sender is feeling, which renders the silent treatment more challenging to handle than more obvious forms of expressing grievance or displeasure.
Rittenour et al. recognized the silent treatment as part of the power dynamics within romantic relationships. It has been described as a tactic of manipulation, creating "strategic ambiguity," which can alienate and frustrate the recipient. It also has the potential to end relationships due to the negative experience of partners on the receiving end. So because we might expect anyone who intends to keep their romance alive to refrain from this behavior, Rittenour et al. recognized an established negative association between relational commitment and the use of the silent treatment.
Silence Harms Both Sender and Receiver
Rittenour et al. noted that while a partner who uses the silent treatment may suffer from poor self-esteem, decreased relational commitment, or lack of confidence, recipients suffer as well. Silent treatment targets report negative feelings and desire more direct forms of managing conflict out of frustration. Many partners would much rather talk it out than suffer tacit disapproval.
The Comfort of Conversation
Because relationships will inevitably involve some level of disagreement, healthy discussion can address differences, discord, and discontent. When each partner can verbalize thoughts and feelings with love and respect, they are spared the anxiety accompanying the ambiguity of silence. Choosing to talk rather than tacitly pout allows relational disagreements to be resolved more expeditiously, leaving more time for productive, satisfying, quality time.
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References
[i] Rittenour, Christine E., Stephen M. Kromka, Russell Kyle Saunders, Kaitlin Davis, Kathryn Garlitz, Sarah N. Opatz, Andrew Sutherland, and Matthew Thomas. 2019. “Socializing the Silent Treatment: Parent and Adult Child Communicated Displeasure, Identification, and Satisfaction.” Journal of Family Communication 19 (1): 77–93. doi:10.1080/15267431.2018.1543187.
FAQs
Being left in silence can be extremely painful, as it involves the loss of connection, love, intimacy, and sometimes even family participation. It can also feel unfair and unkind, leading to anger and further fighting.
What does giving someone the silent treatment say about you? ›
Over time, the act of giving someone the silent treatment left unchecked can become a sign you're in an abusive relationship. If you are experiencing this type of behavior in your relationship, it is important that you are also aware of other warning signs of emotional abuse.
What type of person gives the silent treatment? ›
Individuals with abusive tendencies sometimes use the silent treatment as a tool to shame, punish or manipulate. Individuals who don't intend to cause harm sometimes resort to the practice when they're overwhelmed, unable to cope with conflict or struggle to communicate painful feelings.
How do you deal with a silent partner? ›
Dealing with a silent partner
- Try to choose your time to talk. There are times that will be better than others. ...
- Express how their silence makes you feel. ...
- Don't mind read. ...
- Do not repeat yourself. ...
- Remember the positives too. ...
- How can therapy help?
Clearly, silent treatment creates an atmosphere of anxiety, fear, and sadness that preclude an underlying sense of safety. As such, it causes unhappiness and psychological harm that most often heightens conflict in a relationship. It can lead one to feel anger, abandonment, rejection, and overall distress.
Is silent treatment the end of a relationship? ›
If you've had a conversation about the silent treatment with your partner and the behavior continues, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship–because we all deserve healthy relationships.
How to outsmart silent treatment? ›
8 Tips for Dealing With Narcissistic Silent Treatment
- Arm Yourself With Information and Understanding. ...
- Avoid Playing Into Their Narcissistic Supply. ...
- Focus First on Your Safety. ...
- Don't Fall for Hoovering Tactics. ...
- Set Healthy Boundaries. ...
- Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being. ...
- Lean on Your Support Network.
Some people enjoy treating their loved ones this way, and sometimes, they do it purposefully. I'm sorry if you have such a person in your life; I know how difficult it is to deal with them. Asking for some time alone from your loved ones is different, and using the silent treatment to keep them away is another.
What does silent treatment do to a woman? ›
One of the main issues with the silent treatment is that to the receiver, it can feel like a punishment or control. The receiver is shut out and left to wait until the person recovers. Sometimes they can talk them round, and sometimes not, so it can feel like they are at the silent person's mercy.
How long should silent treatment last? ›
The silent treatment may last for a while; it could be a few hours to several days, weeks, or even months. When a person with narcissistic personality disorder uses the silent treatment, it can often feel inconsistent or unpredictable.
Someone who lies, someone who is manipulative, someone who gives you the 'silent treatment' during a conflict are all examples of red flags in a relationship. The above may sound logical in black and white, but recognising these red flags in your own relationship or when you are dating someone is not always so easy.
What are the liabilities of a silent partner? ›
Silent investors are still liable for any losses up to the original amount of capital they invested. In addition to financial support, silent partners can offer guidance when asked. However, in most situations, capital investment is the only requirement for being a silent partner.
How to pay a silent partner? ›
How much does a silent partner get paid? Silent partners get paid depending on their contribution and their equity in your business. Let's say that your silent partner invested $50,000, and your business is valued at $500,000. That means they have 10% ownership of the business, and they'll receive 10% of the profits.
Is it immature to give the silent treatment? ›
The silent treatment may be childish, but it's not innocent. When one partner alienates the other by not speaking, it's often about power and control, and it can destroy a relationship. Research on the frustration of "strategic ambiguity." Sometimes silence or removing onself from an argument can be useful.
Is silent treatment gaslighting? ›
The Gaslighter's goal is to silence their victim/s. The silent treatment (stonewalling) is their ultimate gaslighting weapon.
Why should you never give someone silent treatment? ›
Silent treatment becomes abuse when it is used to control, punish, or manipulate someone. It is never a positive sign for the success of a relationship. It is also abusive when it is part of a general passive-aggressive tendency in a relationship.
Is it immature to give someone the silent treatment? ›
The silent treatment may be childish, but it's not innocent. When one partner alienates the other by not speaking, it's often about power and control, and it can destroy a relationship.
How do you respond when someone gives you the silent treatment? ›
Tell the person how the silent treatment hurts and leaves you feeling frustrated and alone. That's not what you want or need in a relationship. Explain that you can't resolve issues this way, then be specific about those issues. If this sort of behavior is a relationship deal-breaker for you, state it plainly.
Is it toxic to give someone the silent treatment? ›
When silence, or, rather, the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, then it becomes "the silent treatment," which is toxic, unhealthy, and abusive.
