You pepper your date with open-ended questions (you read our article about heart-opening questions, after all), eager to get to know them. They answer your questions but never reciprocate by asking about you. You wonder:
What gives?
Are they self-absorbed?
Am I being too picky? Maybe they’re just nervous…
Perhaps you’ve had friends suggest that you’re still single because your standards are too high, making you doubt yourself.
But another part of you says, yeah, or maybe they were just boring. Not my person.
What does it mean if a date doesn’t ask you questions?
Many people (and dating experts) would give an unequivocal response to the question, what does it mean if a date doesn’t ask me any questions? Like this:
If a date doesn’t ask you any questions, they’re not interested in you. Don’t waste your time with them by going on another date.
In some cases, that is a reasonable and wise response. We’ll explore that more below.
That said, life isn’t black and white, especially when forging relationships with other human beings.
Let’s review a few nuanced explanations for why your date might fail to ask you questions.
It might mean they have social anxiety (and actually really like you)
Some people get nervous on a date. This is especially true for those who struggle with dating anxiety, an overwhelming fear of rejection, humiliation, or criticism in dating situations.
Free quiz: do I have dating anxiety?
When human beings feel anxious, we lose our higher thinking capacities. Our prefrontal cortex goes offline, leaving our more primitive, fear-based brain in charge. As a result, we no longer have access to the social skills we otherwise enjoy when feeling secure.
So, someone with dating anxiety might get so nervous that they forget to ask you any questions, even though they’re interested in you.
In fact, the more attracted they are to you, the more anxious they’ll feel.
It’s entirely possible that a date’s lack of questions isn’t a sign that they’re not interested, but the opposite — they’re very interested (and also socially anxious).
For this reason, you might consider going on more than one date with someone who fails to ask questions. I especially recommend this if they possess qualities that make an excellent long-term partner.
Saying “yes” to another date will likely help your love interest feel more secure, lessening their dating anxiety. This will, in turn, enable them to access their usual conversational capacities.
In other words, as you spend more time together, they may relax and ask more questions.
It might mean they are neurodivergent (and actually really like you)
For some neurodivergent individuals, social niceties don’t come naturally the way they do for neurotypical folx.
For example, autistic people typically experience difficulties with social-emotional reciprocity. In other words, they struggle to engage in the give-and-take of conversation that comes naturally to neurotypical individuals, including failing to ask questions.
Those with ADHD may also struggle to relate in neurotypical ways in dating conversations.
Some individuals with ADHD failed to develop neurotypical social skills during childhood, as their inattentiveness caused them to miss some social cues. In addition, many of those with ADHD also struggle with social anxiety.
Considering all that, is it any wonder why folx with ADHD might feel distracted, anxious, and unprepared on dates, so they forget to ask any questions?
So, it’s entirely possible that a date who fails to ask you questions is interested in getting to know you, they’re just wired a little differently.
If you are neurotypical, you may be tempted to see a date’s failure to ask you questions as an indicator that they lack social skills. It’s not! Neurodivergent folx have social skills; they just differ from neurotypical social skills.
For example, autistics often use a conversation style called cooperative overlap, which includes interrupting others. While “waiting patiently for your turn to speak” is considered polite for neurotypicals, many autists love conversing using cooperative overlap and don’t consider it rude to interrupt.
If you suspect your love interest’s failure to ask questions is due to neurodivergence, consider going on another date and finding new ways to communicate.
Try sharing more about yourself without waiting for your date to ask questions. Practice a conversational style similar to theirs, such as cooperatively overlap. Or kindly and directly encourage them to ask you more questions. For example:
I’d love to tell you more about myself. What would you like to know?
Will you ask me a question about something you’re curious to learn about me?
Ok, I’ve asked you a bunch of questions — now it’s your turn!
If you’re a neurotypical single, remember that while neurodivergent folx may not always remember to ask questions, they have many strengths that make them excellent partners. With humility and experimentation, you can find a conversational rhythm that respects and honors your different wiring.
It might mean they’re self-absorbed
As I mentioned, sometimes a date’s failure to ask questions is a red flag.
More benignly, it may indicate the person isn’t interested in you. Less benignly, it could mean you’re dealing with a narcissist.
I recommend paying close attention to this red flag if you have had a history of attracting self-absorbed partners.
Trauma survivors, adult children of self-absorbed parents, and empaths may be particularly prone to finding partners who lack empathy. Their generosity and proclivity towards selflessness counterbalance the narcissist’s self-absorption, as explored in Ross Rosenberg’s book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap.
Free quiz: is unresolved trauma stopping you from finding love?
If you find yourself magnetized to self-absorbed people repeatedly, consider declining a second date with a love interest who fails to ask you any questions.
I especially encourage this tact if your date displays other indicators of self-absorption, such as:
relating to service workers unkindly
a fixation with power, wealth, and status
rigid standards of beauty
failure to respect boundaries
expecting special treatment (and raging when they don’t get it)
grandiosity
TLDR
There are several potential reasons a date might fail to ask you any questions.
They might have social anxiety (and actually really like you).
Consider giving it another date.
They may ask questions once they feel more secure.
They may be neurodivergent (and actually really like you).
Consider giving it another date.
Share about yourself or prompt them to ask a question.
They might be narcissistic.
If you see clear signs of self-absorption, decline a second date
Be incredibly discerning if you have a history of attracting narcissistic partners.
