If you've been stuck mostly at home with one or more family members over the past year, chances are you've gotten on one another's nerves occasionally. When you're under a lot of stress, it's not uncommon say something unkind, or even to lash out in anger to someone you care about. And we all make thoughtless mistakes from time to time, like forgetting a promise or breaking something.
Not sure if you should apologize?
Even if you don't think what you said or did was so bad, or believe that the other person is actually in the wrong, it's still important to apologize when you've hurt or angered someone. "To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person's experience," says Dr. Ronald Siegel, assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. That ability is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, which underlies healthy, productive relationships of all types.
How to apologize genuinely
For an apology to be effective, it has to be genuine. A successful apology validates that the other person felt offended, and acknowledges responsibility (you accept that your actions caused the other person pain). You want to convey that you truly feel sorry and care about the person who was hurt, and promise to make amends, including by taking steps to avoid similar mishaps going forward as in the examples below.
According to the late psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Lazare, an apology expert and former chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, a good apology has four elements:
- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.
- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.
- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.
- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone's property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone's feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.
Making a heartfelt apology
The words you choose for your apology count. Here are some examples of good and bad apologies.
| EFFECTIVE WORDING | WHY IT WORKS |
| "I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. I've been under a lot of pressure at work, but that's no excuse for my behavior. I love you and will try harder not to take my frustrations out on you." | Takes responsibility, explains but does not excuse why the mistake happened, expresses remorse and caring, and promises reparation. |
| "I forgot. I apologize for this mistake. It shouldn't have happened. What can I do to avoid this problem in the future?" | Takes responsibility, describes the mistake, makes the person feel cared for, and begins a conversation about how to remedy the error. |
| INEFFECTIVE WORDING | WHY IT WON'T WORK |
| "I apologize for whatever happened." | Language is vague; offense isn't specified. |
| "Mistakes were made." | Use of passive voice avoids taking responsibility. |
| "Okay, I apologize. I didn't know this was such a sensitive issue for you." | Sounds grudging, thrusts the blame back on to the offended person (for "sensitivity"). |
FAQs
Acknowledge the offense.
What are the 4 A's of apology? ›
Be aware of your own response to anger and be on the lookout for early signs of anger in others. Then apply the four As: Agree/Admit to the facts of the situation, Acknowledge its impact, Apologize for the situation, and Act to correct it.
What are the 4 R's of the ideal apology? ›
Experts like Aaron Lazare and Nick Smith, in their book On Apology, point to four essential parts of the apology, and we can remember them as the 4 R's: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, and Reparation.
What does a heartfelt apology look like? ›
Saying, "When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn't thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it. Don't make assumptions and don't try to shift the blame.
How to express a deep apology? ›
They are:
- Say you're sorry. ...
- Say what it is that you're apologizing for. ...
- Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.
- Don't make excuses.
- Say why it won't happen again. ...
- If it's relevant, make reparations: "I'm going to pay for the dry cleaning.
In five chapters, I discuss what I call the five Rs of apology: recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition.
What are the three R's in an apology? ›
There are three elements.
- Express regret in a genuine way. ...
- React to the situation for which you are apologising. ...
- Reassure people that you will not do again whatever it is that you are apologising for.
An insincere apology occurs when it doesn't involve remorse or regret. Sometimes an apology may make you feel worse rather than offering an opportunity for reconciliation. A false apology can lead to resentment and anger, which may make you feel misunderstood, invalidated, or manipulated.
What is a barrier to apologizing? ›
In this article, I propose three major barriers to offering high-quality apologies: (a) low concern for the victim or relationship, (b) perceived threat to the transgressor's self-image, and (c) perceived apology ineffectiveness.
What do stoics say about apologizing? ›
We can admit that we were wrong, and apologize. A Stoic would take any action possible to atone or correct their shameful mistake. After doing so, the Stoic would determine that any future feelings of shame would be useless.
Ingall and McCarthy suggest avoiding language like “Sorry if …” (“Sorry if you were offended”), “Sorry but …” (“Sorry, but I had every right to yell”), and “Sorry you …” (“I'm sorry you took that the wrong way”). Don't include words like “obviously,” “regrettable,” and “unfortunate” either.
What is the best apology ever? ›
"I'm sorry for the comment I made yesterday. It was thoughtless and hurtful, and I can see why it upset you. I didn't mean to make you feel undervalued. I love and respect you, and it's important to me that you feel cared for in our relationship.
What does a manipulative apology look like? ›
A manipulative apology often includes phrases such as “I'm sorry, but…” or “I'm sorry you feel that way.” These types of apologies shift the blame onto the person who was wronged, rather than accepting full responsibility for their actions. It is important to recognize a manipulative apology and respond accordingly.
What is the best thing to say in an apology? ›
Heartfelt apology messages
I'm terribly sorry for everything, my intention was to never hurt you at all. Please let me know if there's anything at all that I can do to make it up to you. We both know that I'm not great with words, but I know I've completely messed up and just want to say that I'm so sorry.
How to say "I'm sorry" without actually saying it? ›
Formal “Sorry” Synonyms
- I apologize. ...
- I can't apologize enough. ...
- Please accept my sincerest apologies. ...
- I'm regretful. ...
- Pardon me. ...
- Please forgive me. ...
- I am at fault and take full responsibility. ...
- I beg your pardon.
Acknowledge the offense.
Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.
What are the four parts of an apology? ›
The steps are the following:
- Say you're sorry, and name the thing you are apologizing for. In this example, it would go like “sorry I hit you with my book”.
- Say why it was wrong. “It was wrong to choose to throw the book, and it was wrong to hurt you.”
- Say what you will do differently next time. ...
- Ask for forgiveness.
Four Elements of Forgiveness—50 Years Later.
- Be open to a changed attitude. Elwin Wilson was open to changing his thinking and beliefs about the rightness of his actions. ...
- Be willing to take responsibility for your actions. ...
- Put down the burden of hate. ...
- Accept the apology.
Those four steps are Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration, and Renewal – also known as the “4 Rs.” If you can honestly and genuinely make your way through these four steps, you are well on your way to forgiving yourself.
What are the 4 D's of forgiveness? ›
3. 4 Ds of Forgiveness
- Deep-Diving: Developing more insight regarding the offense and its present impacts.
- Deciding: Considering what forgiveness means and electing to forgive – or not.
- Doing: Taking the transgressor's perspective in an attempt to understand their motives and reconcile with your feelings.
