Editor’s note: This is the first of a two-part series.
Dear Neil: Am I doing something wrong, or are men just needy and selfish? Among the many things I have done for my boyfriend, here are a few: choosing his clothes for him when we’re together, and laying them out on his bed in the morning; I cook and clean up for him; pick up after him; I’ve made all our dinner and entertainment reservations; I remind him of his doctors appointments and that his dry cleaning is ready to be picked up; I prepare his favorite dishes; organize his dresser drawers for him. Truthfully I’ve worked very hard to fulfill all his needs.
So why is he rejecting me, telling me he feels no passion for me anymore – and saying he is wanting to date other women? The nerve of him after everything I’ve done for him! I’ve been in this same position with men over and over again – I bust my butt for them and do everything I can think of, and then they tell me that they feel mothered by me and they dump me. Why?
– Fuming in Canada
Dear Canada: Although you are clearly trying to nurture and take care of the man in your life, perhaps you are guilty of mothering him, and therefore inadvertently pushing him away. Author Barbara DeAngelis describes mothering as a destructive habit that is controlling, treats men like children, assumes that a man can’t take care of himself, and makes a woman act as if her man is incompetent and therefore needs her to run his life.
Other behaviors of mothering a grown man include acting overly helpful by doing things for him that he can do for himself; assuming a man will be absent-minded or forgetful and therefore reminding him of information that he should remember by himself; taking charge of activities that you assume he can’t do right; correcting and directing him; and scolding him as if he were a child.
DeAngelis says that women mother men in order to become indispensable to them, because as you work hard to fulfill all of his needs, he is likely to become more and more dependent on you. And, you assume, the more dependent and indispensable you are to him, the less likely it is that he will ever leave you. Right?
Although that seems right, it turns out to be far more complicated than that. Mothering your man can also destroy your relationship, make your man feel incompetent in your presence, and it is likely to kill the passion between the two of you. DeAngelis gives a beautiful description of this process in her book “Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know.” She says that it is very likely that your man will wind up resenting you and rebelling against you, just as every child has to assert himself by breaking away from his parents and becoming his own person. Further, as your man winds up feeling incompetent in your presence, the more incompetent he will feel, the lower his self-esteem will slide, and because he no longer feels good about himself, he will cease to act loving toward you.
Here’s what you can do in order to stop mothering a man, according to DeAngelis: First, stop doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. That means when he asks you if you know where his keys are, say: “I don’t know,” and let him look for them himself. Don’t suggest what clothes he should wear – a grown man should be completely capable of dressing himself. When he leaves a pile of clothes lying around, don’t pick them up for him. Don’t stop being loving, nurturing and supportive, but quit being a mommy to him.
Second, treat your man like a competent, reliable person. Don’t remind him of information he should remember, and don’t be his calendar. Act as if he is a competent adult who can be counted on. After enough missed appointments and forgotten events, he will learn to keep better track of his own schedule. Third, stop talking to your man as if he is a five-year-old child, and no scolding.
Forth, decide what responsibilities you want him to be accountable for in the relationship, and don’t take over even when he makes a mistake. Trust that things will work out in the end, even if they don’t happen the way you would have liked. Fifth, don’t give in to the temptation to rescue him. Sixth, make a list of all the ways you play mommy in your relationship. The first step in changing your behavior is becoming aware of it. Seventh, talk with the man in your life about your tendency to mother, and make some agreements to call each other on it if either of you start falling in that trap again – either of mothering or of wanting to be mothered. Finally, be consistent in following your new rules and avoiding your old mistakes.
There is a companion dynamic to this, and that is a woman acting like a little girl in order to get what she wants from a man. I will address that issue in next week’s column.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Westminster and Boulder. His syndicated newspaper column is in its 19th year of publication. You can reach him at 303-758-8777, or e-mail him from his website: http://www.heartrelationships.com.
FAQs
Don't stop being loving, nurturing and supportive, but quit being a mommy to him. Second, treat your man like a competent, reliable person. Don't remind him of information he should remember, and don't be his calendar. Act as if he is a competent adult who can be counted on.
Is my boyfriend too attached to his mother? ›
Signs Someone Might Be a Momma's Boy
When enmeshment persists into adulthood, men may continue to rely on their mother to meet their practical, financial, emotional, and social needs. 2 Examples might include having his mom balance his checkbook, clean his house, and provide money.
Why do I feel the need to mother my partner? ›
This is likely due to the strong emotional connection that couples often share. In some cases, this feeling of motherly love may be even stronger if your boyfriend is in need of emotional support or care. It may also be a sign of how much you care for him and want to nurture and protect him.
How to deal with a husband who is too attached to his mother? ›
Make yourself your top priority—so be a little selfish (in a good way). Work, find a hobby, explore new interests, and develop your relationships with friends and family outside of your husband. He must recognize that you're independent, Goldberg said, and that you might leave if he continues to ignore your needs.
How to deal with boyfriend's overbearing mother? ›
Take a Step Back. Has the situation with the overbearing mother in your life started to spiral? If so, Dr. Hafeez recommends “you take a step back from the relationship [with the mother in question] for a period of time,” even if that means avoiding calls and visits until things calm down.
How do guys with mommy issues act in relationships? ›
People usually apply the term “mommy issues” to men who display some of the following traits and behaviors: an expectation that romantic partners will provide more than a fair share of household labor or emotional support. trust issues or difficulty showing vulnerability.
Why are some men attached to their mothers? ›
Some experts believe this stems from struggles with the Oedipal complex—the idea that as a child the man experienced subconscious desire for his mother and animosity toward his father.
What does mothering your partner mean? ›
Mothering you partner means your enabling them to be your child and NOT your partner!
What is unloved mother syndrome? ›
Common traits of a cold mother or other caregiver
Difficulty expressing affection: Cold mother syndrome is marked by an inability or difficulty expressing love or warmth. Rarely offering praise or support: If someone has cold mother syndrome, they rarely, if ever, encourage or acknowledge their child's successes.
What does mothering your boyfriend mean? ›
Treating Him Like a Child
Or maybe you find yourself constantly reminding him to do things or monitoring his actions closely. These patronizing behaviors can create a dynamic where you're the caretaker, rather than equals.
What are Enmeshed Romantic Relationships? Enmeshed couples are so closely connected that the other person's needs become their own. They feel they must fulfill the other person's needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings.
What do you do when your husband chooses his mom over you? ›
Communicate with your spouse
If it's due to your own fears or past experiences, let him know. Try not to come at him with labels such as "unhealthy," "weird," or "unnatural." Instead, start with "I" statements such as, "I feel left out when you spend all your weekends with your mom."
How to deal with a husband who listens to his mother? ›
Excuse the foul language but a real bloody man will listen to his wife & not his damn mother. If I were you, pack your bags. Take the kids & walk out on him & let him be with his horrible co trolling & controlling mother. I dealt with such a guy & hated it.
How do I set boundaries with my boyfriends mom? ›
Expressing your concerns to your partner -- and having him validate them -- is a great first step, even if he's not quite ready to address his mother directly. In the meantime, consider having a gentle and non-confrontational conversation with your partner's mother.
How do I win over my boyfriends mom? ›
Shake hands (or even give her a hug, if she's the hugging type), but do not feel compelled to do anything you are not comfortable doing. Bring a small gift. It does not have to be anything fancy, nor should it be anything too personal. If you bring a food item, make sure she doesn't have any food allergies.
What happens to men with overbearing mothers? ›
A controlling mother always creates insecure attachments. In a relationship where the male child has not been validated emotionally, very often, he can show aggressive or hostile behavior. This is a characteristic that usually distinguishes them from the female children of controlling mothers.
Why is my son so attached to his mother? ›
An “overly attached” relationship with one parent can result from various factors, such as a child's temperament or differences in caregiving responsibilities. Understanding the reasons behind this can help parents approach the situation with empathy and patience instead of hurt feelings.
What is it called when a mother is too attached to her son? ›
Mother-son enmeshment occurs when the relationship crosses the line from healthy boundaries into unhealthy closeness. According to mother-son enmeshment psychology, the son learns from an early age that being independent is not “o*k,” which influences their thoughts and behaviors.
What is a mother-enmeshed man? ›
Having learned to compromise, accommodate or submit to his mother, leading to do the same with others, enmeshed men tend to resent and pull away or attack. Lack of differentiation between self and others, creating difficulties with internal and external boundaries (Your problems become my problems)
Do guys with mommy issues get attached easily? ›
Emotional issues and insecure attachment styles
Individuals with unresolved mommy issues might find themselves gravitating towards avoidant or anxious attachment styles, where they either shun intimacy and closeness or become overly dependent on their partners for constant reassurance, respectively.
