Two weeks ago, I was sitting at Saloniki Greek in Harvard Square visiting two friends from high school. I looked at my phone and saw a bombardment of anxious text messages from my parents: “Go home.” “It’s already 8:30” “Safety should be your first priority.” “Is it worth throwing your future away because you got attacked on the subway late at night?”
When I went to college, my parents and I had (reluctantly) agreed that I would continue to share my location with them, though it could not and would not be used as a tool to control my whereabouts. In other words, no questions asked.
As a child of Bangladeshi immigrants, I’ve always been used to some level of parental overreach, but this incident felt especially egregious. It had also not been the first breach of our rules of engagement.
I’m 19 years old. I live 700 miles from home. I’m a sophom*ore at Brown. And I’ve never given my parents a reason to distrust me or believe I have poor judgment. So, sitting there in Harvard Square, I decided I’d had enough. I stopped sharing my location with my parents, prompting a fierce and ongoing battle that has led to threats of withheld tuition and being blocked by my father — all, of course, in the name of protecting my safety.
But I am determined to win the war.
I strongly believe that parents should not track their college-aged children, for one simple reason: Trust isn’t built on control. Apps like Find My and Life 360 can be used productively, but when abused as a substitute for proper communication they can actually harm the parent-child relationship. These apps create a facade of control during young adulthood when, for perhaps the first time, parents are powerless to protect their children from afar.
In her New York Times op-ed, psychologist Lisa Damour worries “that location tracking can confuse the question of who is mainly responsible for the safety of the roaming adolescent — the parent or the teenager?” Sonia Livingstone, a professor at the London School of Economics, concludes that there is “zero evidence that any of these apps keep children safer” instead arguing that "the most important thing for development is that the child learns to trust the parent and the parents the child.”
It’s time to let go. A large part of attending a residential university is learning how to be an independent adult. While parents often can, through a combination of coercion and location-tracking, force their adult children to go to class or make curfew, they cannot force character development and maturity. Calculated danger, and yes, failure is a part of growing up.
I asked some of my friends about their thoughts on parental surveillance and the results are unambiguous. One friend, although she agreed to be tracked, says, “I don’t love it; I feel like I’m my own person, and they don’t need to know where I am all the time.” Another, who refused to give in to his parent's demands, said it was “because I wanted freedom, even if that’s an illusion.” Besides, he adds, “I figured my mom would be checking often and texting me about it and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.” And a third, whose mom is alerted every time he leaves his building, took issue with the potential for never-ending surveillance: “I think it’s fine for your parents to have your location for safety reasons,” he said, “but once they start using it to constantly know where you are and restrict your freedom for activities that are safe, then it’s a problem.”
These apps raise delicate questions about children’s right to privacy in our digital age, as well as the proper balance of power in the relationship between parents and their children. But the question of parental surveillance is not black and white —nor should it be. It is only through dialogue and compromise that children and their parents can build understanding with one another as they inevitably navigate all kinds of conflict.
On my part, I have brokered a peace deal with my mom to share my location with my aunt in case of emergency and to call my parents more. While not a perfect solution, I hope this new status quo will actually strengthen our relationship with one another — perhaps it will encourage them to ask me more questions about my life. After all, what excitement is there in sending your kids to college if you need not ask, “What did you do today, and how was your day?”
For generations, kids have grown up, gone to college, and gone on to be successful adults — all without being monitored. I too will survive. So sorry, Mom and Dad, but no, I will not be sharing my location with you.
‘Tas Rahman ’26 can be reached at [email protected]. Please send responses to this opinion to [email protected] and other op-eds to [email protected].
Tasawwar Rahman
Tas Rahman is a staff columnist at the Brown Daily Herald writing about issues in higher education. When he's not coding or studying biochemistry, you can find him hiking and enjoying the great outdoors.
FAQs
I strongly believe that parents should not track their college-aged children, for one simple reason: Trust isn't built on control. Apps like Find My and Life 360 can be used productively, but when abused as a substitute for proper communication they can actually harm the parent-child relationship.
At what age should parents stop tracking their child? ›
The most common answer was age 18, chosen by approximately 31 percent of respondents. The second most common answer was age 16, chosen by about 17 percent of the parents surveyed, and only three percent of respondents believed that children's technology usage needed no monitoring.
Can my parents legally track me? ›
Tracking with GPS, tracking people with Air Tags, or tracking people with other location services is generally against the law. However, there are exceptions for tracking devices used by law enforcement agencies or by parents and guardians tracking their own children.
Why is it important for parents to track their child? ›
Tracking provides parents with a sense of security and peace of mind, especially when their child is away from home. It can alleviate concerns about the child's whereabouts and activities.
Why shouldn t parents monitor their children's internet usage? ›
The main reasons for not monitoring your teens social media activities are privacy and trust. Kids don't want their parents looking through personal information, texts, and social media posts. Many kids consider their smartphones sacred property not to be viewed by their parents.
Is it illegal for parents to track their kids? ›
While there is little law on the subject, a parent's desire to track a teenager's auto usage or keep a young child from getting lost will not likely present strong enough breaches of any right of privacy to cause the courts to interfere.
At what age should parents stop using parental controls? ›
As you build trust together, you can also start talking about how you'll start removing these restrictions as kids get closer to 18, because ultimately, they'll need to learn how to navigate tech on their own. “I like to let go of control as they're turning to 16 or 17,” Werle-Kimmel says.
Can your parents legally control you at 18? ›
This means you have the same legal rights as any other adult, including the right to make your own decisions about your life. Your parents cannot legally force you to stay in the house, prevent you from working, or control your personal interactions.
Can your parents read your text messages? ›
The only way to get records of the content of texts other than viewing them on the phone itself is with a court order. Other than that, the account holder can see the numbers texted and when, but not the actual messages.
Can my parents take my phone if I'm 18 and they pay for it? ›
I'm so sorry about this situation! So legally speaking, no. Even for minors, the law on personal property applies the same as it does to adults. This means that if you paid for your own phone and you are paying for it from your job, your parents have no right to take it from you at all.
Experts also warn that constant surveillance can harm your relationship with your child, triggering anxiety, eroding trust, and pushing them to be more secretive.
Should parents track their adult children? ›
I strongly believe that parents should not track their college-aged children, for one simple reason: Trust isn't built on control. Apps like Find My and Life 360 can be used productively, but when abused as a substitute for proper communication they can actually harm the parent-child relationship.
How many kids are tracked by their parents? ›
It turns out that 80% of parents check their children's location, including 54% who check it frequently. More than one in three parents actually do it without letting their children know. 54% of parents monitor their kids' texts, and 76% have access to their children's phone passwords.
Is tracking your child wrong? ›
It clouds responsibility. Monitoring your teens through location tracking might also give them a false sense of security. Instead of understanding that they need to be responsible for their own safety, they may continue to rely on parents that they know are watching their every move.
Is it illegal for your parents to go through your phone? ›
For children under the age of majority, parents usually have the right to go through their items, including electronic accounts and devices. In cases where the parents are divorced, it may be ideal for both parents to pay for the child's phone and retain joint control over the account/phone.
What age should parents stop checking phones? ›
The human brain actually continues developing until around age 25. Some children need a parent's support longer than their peers do. In fact, a majority of parents who responded to a PC Magazine survey said they believed parents should actively monitor their child's tech use until age 18.
What age should parents stop controlling their child? ›
Adulthood is legally recognized as 18 years of age in most countries. However, some parents don't seem to consider that fact, continuing their controlling ways even after their children have reached that age threshold.
At what age do you stop using a monitor for your child? ›
The question of what age to stop using the baby monitor depends on your child's age and development. Most experts recommend stopping baby monitor use between ages 2 and 4. By this time, children have developed more regular sleep patterns. They can also get in and out of bed without assistance.
Should I check my 17 year old's phone? ›
It's best for parents to periodically review their phones, but together with their child to educate and build trust. "For older teens aged 14 to 17, privacy is more important, but parents should still be vigilant.
Why you shouldn't track your child's location? ›
The bottom line is while parental controls allow you to track your child's whereabouts without their agreement, it is better to not do so. If they discover you've been following them (and they almost certainly will), it will erode their trust in you and harm your relationship.
