As a trainer and coach, I have found that many people are aware that our pursuit of the 5 Cs has led us to a lot of unhappiness. The 5 C’s have always been seen as a mark of our success – that is having career, cash, car, condo, credit cards and even club memberships. Now many are putting in more efforts to have a better work-life balance to become happier and more satisfied.
From a very young age, we encourage our children to do well in school so that they will be able to land a good job once their get their diploma or degree. Academic studies becomes a priority and many children spend their days hitting the books, going for tuition, catching up with the mountain of homework and assignments the school gives them or attending the various study programs to guarantee them higher scores in the very important examinations.
Once we get a good job, we work hard to get a promotion and salary increment, so that as time goes on, we can afford a car or a home to live in, or even both when possible. At some point, we realise we need credit cards to help us with our expenses and maybe even a country club membership, so we have a place to relax and de-stress over the weekend, especially after a long and hard week. This gives us more opportunities to socialize and also spend more time with our family.
Thus our life focus seems to be constantly striving for the next better thing, upgrading our lives and reaching for the best. There is nothing wrong with setting high goals for ourselves, but when these lead us to unpleasant behaviours, we must then re-look at our needs and wants, as well as what is driving us from within.
Chasing these material things has stirred on many negative behaviours that are common to many, where we Complain, Criticise, Compare, Compete, Correct, Control. But yet so many of us still do it as it seems to give temporary relief, or believe that these behaviours will eventually improve the situation.
Complaining or Criticising
I found myself in these situations many times before, where I felt I was not getting my point of view heard, or things were not going the way I had hoped or wanted. Since I did not always confront the people involved or speak up, I would bottle the feelings inside, hoping that it would go away. But once an opportunity arose, I would complain or criticise to others who were willing to listen. Also in the process, I was re-living the moments and all other emotions from similar past experiences would surface too.
If friends were to also complain about similar situations, I would get frustrated on their behalf, and sometimes leave with additional unpleasant emotions. When friends supported and understood my position, it validated my feelings and made me that I was in the right. This justified my anger, which I would then hold onto. Do you find yourself blaming others, complaining or criticizing your co-workers, bosses, family members and other things?
Many of us also spend a lot of time complaining or criticising. It might feel good at first as we may think that venting is a way to let go of the emotions. But in actual fact, each time you relive that situation, you are actually intensifying the emotion instead, and that makes it harder to forgive or let go. Guilt can also creep up on you as it is normal to feel bad over this behaviour. It also keeps you in a negative state, that may cause others to avoid you.
Comparing, Correcting and Competing
I used to compare my sons to each other and to other children, all with the intention of keeping them competitive and so that they would do well in school. There was a lot of correcting of their behaviours because I wanted them to be well behaved and always do their best. It seemed to them that I would only love them if they were perfect. Or that what they did and the efforts they put in were not as important as the results achieved. Thus many of my conversations started to sound like a broken down recorder… “Have you eaten? Do you have any homework? Have you done your homework? What did you learn in school today? Did you make your bed? Did you pack your bag? Were you good in school? Did you spend your money wisely?”
This made me remember my own inner critic, telling me that I was not good enough, or would not be loved if I was not the best in everything I did. This definitely affected my own happiness as well as that of my sons.
Similarly, I see the behaviour of comparing and competing quite often with couples I work with too. They compare their spouses to their friends, ex’s or parents. The last thing your wife wants to hear is “Why aren’t you like my mum”! Then there is the competing with each other for the child’s attention by having inconsistent rules or putting the blame on each other. Have you ever found yourself saying something like “Aiyah, you know your father is like that one, next time don’t ask him but come to me and I sure say ok!”
Control
Too many times we worry too much about our work, lives and children. Or overthink too much, coming up with so many worse case scenarios in our head. This ends up with us becoming more controlling. Are you one who is constantly telling others what to do, how to do it or re-doing things that others have done? It is ok to have high standards for ourselves, but when we have expectations of others to be like us or do things our way, then that causes issues. I have found that many relationships are affected when each has different expectations of how the relationship should be.
It is important for us to help our children be more responsible for their studies and behaviour, but our way of speaking must not come across as controlling, constantly nagging or scolding. We must remember to acknowledge their efforts, allow them to make their own decisions and accept the consequences.
Why Change
At the lowest point in my life, had lost my zest for living. I was constantly sick and my relationships with my sons & family was not great. I had been so focused on working to make a decent living, providing for my family and raising my sons, that I somehow put my own needs aside.
My awakening came from my sons as I saw that they had an inner peace. This really made me take a step back and I allowed myself to ask for help. It did not matter what others said or saw about me, and I did not need to project an image of strength or success. It was okay to be vulnerable.
You can try to control every situation and worry about things that haven’t happened. This is natural as it comes from fear, which we all feel. But fear can easily turn to anger which can fester inside causing sickness and stress.
The 5 Cs we really Need
#1 Compliment
Though it is not a common practise in our Asian societies, I do compliment people when I see that they are wearing something nice, have an interesting accessory, are looking nice or have a good personality. I generally notice that most people react well to them with smile and happiness, but once in a while, they do get embarrassed or ask me if I want something from them!
When was the last time you said a positive affirmation or compliment your spouse, family member, child or colleague? What about to yourself? Don’t use a compliment with an expectation of something in return… This helps put us in a state of gratitude as we start to notice more positives around us.
#2 Connect
Make the effort to talk to neighbours or to get to know your colleagues on a deeper level. Have face to face conversation with people without distractions. Spend more time with loved ones talking about their day or any difficulties they are facing.
Find time to really connect with the family - put aside your handphones, TV shows or books during meals, and have a face to face conversation with each other instead. Our family try our best to have dinner together once a week. This includes my parents, siblings and their families.
Find out more about their day or any difficulties they are facing, without judgement, expectations, belittling or advice giving. I recall at some point when I was always nagging my sons about homework or late nights, that one of them said “Hey mum, trust that you have brought us up well and we know what to do… have faith in yourself!” Perhaps that was reverse psychology but it worked! I have learnt to ask myself if what I am going to say is something the person has heard from me already or knows. I really try my best to ask the other what they need or want instead of telling what I need or want.
#3 Caring
A friendly greeting or a smile is something quite easy to do, but take it a step further. Offer help to older neighbours when they are carrying heavy things or to colleagues when they are struggling with their work. At home, do help out around the house instead of expecting others to clean up after you.
#4 Considerate
Be kind to everyone you meet and think of their needs also: give way, queue up, mind your Ps and Qs, be patient, manage your volume, clean up after yourself whether at work, in public places or at home, and the list of good social etiquette goes on. I recognised that it was more important that my sons developed in character, which was more important than their grades. But I had to model the behaviours of being considerate and caring too. So as a family, we try to help those who are less fortunate.
#5 Compassion
Make some time for those who are less fortunate than you or contribute in any way you can. For those who may have wronged you, learn to forgive and let go. Knowing that there is always goodness in people helps, or they may be acting out of their own insecurities, or lack of awareness of how their behaviour affects others. This has helped us grow in compassion, as it becomes easier to forgive and let go. These positive behaviours have helped my relationships grow stronger, and I am much happier knowing that I can make a difference by these seemingly small but important ways.
The Last C
Make a small change each day, step by step, until it becomes a habit and part of your daily life and being. These positive behaviours have helped strengthen my relationships with others and I am much happier. Remember, Happiness is a Choice – you decide!
