Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Definition, Examples And Tips (2024)

The first time the term “passive aggression” was used, it was in reference to World War II soldiers who didn’t follow orders. Over time, it evolved into a diagnosable mental health condition, passive-aggressive behavior disorder, and was once included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is the handbook used by U.S. health care professionals to diagnose mental health disorders. In 1994, passive-aggressive behavior disorder was removed from the DSM because it did not reach the criteria for a single personality disorder nor meet the criteria for a new one.

“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings, resentment or anger instead of addressing them directly. These behaviors are generally subtle and disguised as something else,” says Katie Schubert, Ph.D., a licensed mental health counselor, certified sex therapist and the CEO of Cypress Wellness Center in St. Petersburg, Florida.

A person is acting in a passive-aggressive manner when they show anger or resentment through their actions or avoidance rather than by directly expressing their feelings, adds Vanessa Kennedy, Ph.D., the director of psychology and the chief psychologist at Driftwood Recovery in Driftwood, Texas.

Passive-aggressive behavior can be exhibited in many different ways. According to both Dr. Schubert and Dr. Kennedy, some examples include:

• Giving someone the silent treatment
• Refusing to discuss what you’re upset about, even when asked
• Sharing your frustrations with other people but not with the person you’re upset with
• Using sarcastic language (such as saying “great job” when someone makes a mistake)
• Giving backhanded compliments (such as, “That’s really surprising you were promoted—congrats!”)
• Intentionally procrastinating (like putting off doing something a partner asks you to do because you are upset and know it will irritate them)
• Being intentionally late, to express that you resent being obligated to show up to something
• Making declarations of wishing for something and saying it would never happen, such as telling someone in front of your spouse, “I wish my spouse would take me dancing, but I know that will never happen.”
• Avoiding or “ghosting” (ceasing communication with no warning or explanation) people you are mad at

Passive-aggressive behavior can have different causes, depending on the person. One of the most common causes of passive-aggressive behavior is a deep-rooted difficulty expressing negative feelings, says Dr. Kennedy. For example, passive aggression may be learned at a young age from caregivers who demonstrated this kind of behavior, she adds. Dr. Kennedy explains that someone may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors because they never learned another way to deal with negative emotions or conflict.

“Many people weren’t taught to handle conflict directly. They therefore grow up avoidant of conflict and not knowing how to communicate effectively when conflict arises,” says Dr. Schuber.

Passive-aggressive behavior can also develop over time when a person learns they do not feel comfortable expressing their anger or other difficult emotions directly, says Dr. Kennedy. For example, someone may have expressed their feelings to someone directly in the past but it was not received well, adds Dr. Kennedy. This negative outcome may make them less likely to address conflict directly in the future.

People who have trouble asserting themselves are more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior, notes Dr. Kennedy. For these individuals, she explains that the thought of telling someone they are upset or angry may seem uncomfortable to them, so they engage in passive-aggressive behaviors instead.

A 2021 research article found an association between anxiety and/or depression and the likelihood of engaging in self-directed passive-aggressive behavior^[1]Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK et al. Development and Psychometric Properties of the Test of Passive Aggression. Frontiers in Psychology. 2021;12;579183. . Researchers hypothesize that individuals who are stressed, anxious or depressed may have impaired problem-solving capabilities, leading to these behaviors.

As Dr. Kennedy explained and scientific studies show, someone may engage in passive-aggressive behavior for various reasons, including difficulty expressing negative emotions, not knowing how to handle conflict directly, having bad experiences after expressing negative emotions in the past or experiencing high levels of stress.

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Passive-aggressive behavior can be damaging to all kinds of relationships. Regardless of the type of relationship, passive-aggressive behavior can create tension and lead to misunderstandings, as it undermines open communication, says Dr. Shubert.

If you want to stop being passive-aggressive, the first step is becoming more self-aware, says Dr. Shubert. To do this, she recommends regularly asking yourself how you’re feeling. If you are upset or angry with someone, the next step should be to communicate these feelings using “I” statements, trying not to criticize or blame the other person.

If you aren’t used to expressing how you feel, making this change can be difficult. This is where working with a therapist on improving this behavior can be extremely valuable, suggests Dr. Kennedy. A therapist can help someone discover where their passive-aggressive behavior is coming from and teach healthier ways for handling difficult emotions and conflict.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior without further damaging the relationship can be tricky, but Dr. Kennedy and Dr. Schubert offer some helpful guidance for those on the receiving end of it.

Start by acknowledging the passive-aggressive behavior when it happens and expressing that it hurts your feelings, says Dr. Schubert. Then, she says to ask the person how they are feeling, which gives them the opportunity to express their emotions in a more direct way.

If the person engaging in passive-aggressive behavior is unwilling to change, it’s important to communicate clear and consistent boundaries, explaining what you will and will not tolerate, says Dr. Kennedy. It’s important to stick with these boundaries and keep them in place.

If a family member is engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, family therapy can be effective, notes Dr. Kennedy. In this type of therapy, the therapist mediates conversations between the passive-aggressor and their loved ones, helping the family practice new ways of communicating their feelings directly, she says.

Ultimately, passive-aggressive behavior can weaken relationships, which isn’t beneficial for anyone. Speaking directly and respectfully with others is the best way to address conflict. Using “I statements,” as Dr. Shubert advised, and communicating how you feel clearly, has been shown to be an ideal way to manage conflict. Kindly expressing how you feel can go a long way.