Narcissist Silent Treatment: Definition, Examples, and Coping Tips (2024)

The silent treatment is an abusive behavior often used by those with narcissistic personality disorder to coerce or manipulate. If you have experienced this, you can learn how to cope.

If you’ve ever engaged with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they may have used a tactic called the silent treatment to coerce, control, or manipulate you. If someone uses this technique, they may withdraw or avoid engaging with you.

This is a form of emotional abuse, as it can be used to try to get you to do things you don’t want to do. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, there are steps you can take to help yourself cope.

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Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often use the silent treatment to coerce or manipulate you by withdrawing or refusing to engage with you. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

This method can be used to punish you or make you feel like you did something wrong.

Research from 2022 identifies five reasons the silent treatment may be used:

  1. To punish you: Punishment may be used to reject, isolate, or correct any behavior that they don’t like.
  2. For a timeout: Taking a timeout from a highly contentious interaction is often a positive move in a typical disagreement. But timeouts may be utilized by those with NPD to “buy more time” in hopes the other person will be less reactive over time.
  3. Relational aggression: A person may use the silent treatment to harm or threaten harm to you.
  4. To manipulate: An individual may use the silent treatment to manipulate you to get you to do something or to stop a behavior they don’t like.
  5. As a power move: Similar to manipulation, narcissists may use power tactics to coerce you into doing what they want or not engaging with you until you give in to their desires.

Disengaging with someone for a short time and then communicating afterward to resolve the conflict can be healthy. But it can become unhealthy when someone doesn’t seek to resolve the conflict until they get what they want.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Narcissism is often associated with an inflated sense of self-importance. If you’ve engaged with someone who lives with NPD, they may inflate their self-importance and want admiration at an extreme level.

Understanding how to identify signs of narcissistic abuse and silent treatment can be the first step toward healing.

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The silent treatment may last for a while; it could be a few hours to several days, weeks, or even months. When a person with narcissistic personality disorder uses the silent treatment, it can often feel inconsistent or unpredictable.

Here are some signs that someone may be using the silent treatment or stonewalling you:

  • disengaging with you
  • ignoring your needs
  • rejecting any physical touch
  • shutting down all attempts to communicate
  • giving one or two-word answers
  • using dismissive language by saying things like “Who cares?” or “Shut up.”
  • avoiding eye contact
  • doing something else completely
  • physically distancing themselves away from you after a conflict
  • tuning you out

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Examples of narcissistic silent treatment

Here are some examples of how the silent treatment may be used:

  • saying things like, “I’m not talking to you until you have sex with me.”
  • isolating in a room away from you and not communicating what’s wrong
  • placing blame on you for a conflict and refusing to talk it out
  • not responding or acknowledging you after you ask for help with household chores
  • refusing to hug or kiss you
  • avoiding you and doing something else completely
  • engaging in nonverbal communication, such as crossing their arms or rolling their eyes
  • shutting down all attempts to communicate

If you’re in a relationship with someone who uses the silent treatment, here are some ways to cope:

  1. Hold healthy boundaries: Keep healthy boundaries and learn how to say no. Try to restrain from giving in to demands that you don’t want to do.
  2. Acknowledge how you feel: People with NPD can be unpredictable, and you may feel angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, or confused by their behavior. It’s OK to feel this way.
  3. Pause before responding: Before you respond to the person engaging in the silent treatment or stonewalling, consider taking some space to acknowledge your feelings and practice self-soothing techniques before trying to re-engage.
  4. Lean on your support system: Utilize your support system or find a support system to help you deal with the hurt that goes along with the silent treatment.
  5. Ensure you’re in a safe space: Make sure you’re in a safe space from physical abuse. If you have to, seek a safe space from positive support or find a shelter in your area.
  6. Re-evaluate your relationship: We may all occasionally stonewall others sometimes, but when this becomes a habit, and it feels unsafe to communicate your needs, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship with the person with a narcissistic personality disorder.
  7. See a therapist or mental health professional: A professional can help you learn how to deal with a narcissist and provide support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

The silent treatment is similar to stonewalling, which famous couples therapist Dr. John Gottman believes is one of the four horsem*n of the apocalypse.

According to The Gottman Institute, one way to deal with stonewalling is to stop and take a break once the other person has checked out because it’s likely that your reaction will escalate the situation.

Gottman recommends physiological self-soothing, which is a way to get yourself to calm down physically.

Self-soothing may look like:

  • practicing deep breathing
  • tensing and relaxing muscles
  • using imagery techniques to take you to a calm spot in your mind
  • journaling to remind you of reality and what actually happened

Any technique that takes your mind off the situation and helps you soothe the intense emotions that may come up. If they’re eventually willing to engage in a productive conversation, use “I statements” to describe your feelings.

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Dealing with narcissistic abuse can be overwhelming, and you may feel lonely and hurt if you’re experiencing it. If you engage with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may receive the silent treatment as a way to coerce or manipulate you.

The silent treatment is an unhealthy and abusive behavior, and there are ways you can get help. You can use PsychCentral’s Find a Therapist resource to locate a mental health professional near you.

You can also reach out for support at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You aren’t alone, and you can heal if you’ve experienced emotional abuse.

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Narcissist Silent Treatment: Definition, Examples, and Coping Tips (2024)

FAQs

Narcissist Silent Treatment: Definition, Examples, and Coping Tips? ›

1. Empathy: Narcissists struggle to understand or connect with the concept of empathy. It goes against their self-centered nature, and they become defensive or angry when confronted with this word. They dismiss others' feelings, turn conversations back to themselves, or fail to acknowledge emotions.

What words can destroy a narcissist? ›

1. Empathy: Narcissists struggle to understand or connect with the concept of empathy. It goes against their self-centered nature, and they become defensive or angry when confronted with this word. They dismiss others' feelings, turn conversations back to themselves, or fail to acknowledge emotions.

What are the coping mechanisms of a narcissist? ›

The narcissist typically runs through a sequence of defenses to discharge painful feelings until he or she finds one that works: unconscious repression. conscious denial. distortion (including exaggeration and minimization), rationalisation and lies.

How to respond when the narcissist gives you the silent treatment? ›

People with narcissistic qualities may use silent treatment as a form of abuse or manipulation in order to avoid blame, maintain control, or punish you. If someone in your life gives you the silent treatment, ignore them, do activities that make you happy, and stay connected with your friends and family.

What angers a narcissist the most? ›

What Triggers Narcissistic Rage?
  • Their Self-Esteem or Image Has Been Harmed. ...
  • They Do Not Get Their Way. ...
  • They Are Criticized. ...
  • They Are No Longer the Center of Attention. ...
  • They Are Exposed for Their Behaviors. ...
  • They Are Asked to Be Accountable for Their Actions. ...
  • They Face a Setback, Disappointment, or Conflict.

What breaks a narcissist heart? ›

Deny them what they want.

Many narcissists are users. They expect you to be there for them, but they have no intention of reciprocating. Start saying “no” to them, and focus on what you want instead. They'll get super frustrated and realize how great a partner you were for them.

What makes a narcissist calm down? ›

However, if you find yourself backed into a corner, one way to sooth a narcissist's rage is to empathize with their feelings, Greenberg said. She suggested saying something like: "You must have felt very hurt by what I did, I can understand why you are feeling that way."

How do you break a narcissist emotionally? ›

Keep reading to learn how to leave a narcissist.
  1. Acknowledge the Problem. ...
  2. Develop a Support Network. ...
  3. Plan a Safe Exit Strategy. ...
  4. Set Boundaries. ...
  5. Keep a Record. ...
  6. Seek Legal Assistance. ...
  7. Stay Calm and Focused. ...
  8. Protect Children and Pets.
Sep 28, 2023

What stresses a narcissist? ›

Mental health experts have observed that, sometimes, when a narcissistic person doesn't receive the external validation they believe they deserve, it can result in a high level of stress and hurt. This emotional pain may turn into narcissistic rage. This rage is at the core of a narcissistic collapse.

Why do narcissists suddenly go silent? ›

Narcissistic silent treatment often comes on in one of two ways: after a disagreement or fight, or it can feel like it is out of the blue. It's important to remember that a narcissist's fragile ego can make them more sensitive to what they perceive as criticism, so you may have upset them without even realizing it.

Why do narcissists stop talking to you? ›

Narcissists need control, which is often the reason why they ignore people. They do not like to feel vulnerable or exposed and will use their power to forgive someone for maintaining that control. Unfortunately, narcissists also lack empathy, so it can be challenging to understand how their behaviour affects others.

How to destroy a narcissist's ego? ›

There's nothing you can say to someone with this condition to make them snap out of it any more than you can convince a blind person to start seeing, they literally don't have the capacity. If you're in a relationship with a narcissistic, just get out and cut off contact.

How to take the power away from a narcissist? ›

  1. Educate yourself about NPD. ...
  2. Build your self-esteem. ...
  3. Advocate for yourself. ...
  4. Enforce clear and consistent boundaries. ...
  5. Practice skills to keep calm. ...
  6. Find a support system. ...
  7. Insist on immediate action, not promises. ...
  8. Understand that a narcissistic person may need professional help.

What would hurt a narcissist the most? ›

Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism or any perceived threat to their self-image, and they will go to great lengths to protect it. If you criticize them or challenge their dominance, you will trigger a defensive response.

What's the worst thing you can say to a narcissist? ›

Experts agree one of the worst things you can do in a narcissistic relationship is tell someone that they are a narcissist − even if you are correct. That's because doing so almost always causes more harm than good.

What scares a narcissist away? ›

Narcissists have an extreme sensitivity to criticism and humiliation—this is their Achilles' heel. To instill fear in a narcissist, attack their fragile self-worth by pointing out their flaws, highlighting hypocrisies, and making them feel inadequate.

What is the best revenge against a narcissist? ›

Your happiness and success are the ultimate revenge. Feeling good about yourself is the antidote to someone whose goal was to control you and bring you down. Forgive this person for their behavior—and move on.

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