The stereotype of men being less emotionally invested in relationships than women may not be accurate, say psychologists.
A new study of online relationship support finds that men tend to experience emotional pain more than women when their relationship takes a turn for the worse.
An international team of psychologists led by researchers at Lancaster University conducted the first-ever “big data” analysis of relationship problems. The study began as an attempt to create a map of the most common relationship problems experienced by people outside of clinical and counselling settings.
“Most of what we know about relationship problems comes from studies of people in couples therapy, which includes a rather specific subset of people — people who have the time, money, and motive to work on their relationship problems” said Charlotte Entwistle, lead author of the study. “We wanted to understand not only what relationship problems are most commonly experienced by the general public, but who experiences which problems more.”
Using natural language processing methods, the team analyzed the demographic and psychological characteristics of over 184,000 people who posted their relationship problems to an anonymous online forum. The researchers were then able to statistically determine the most common themes that came up across each post, creating a “map” of the most common relationship problems.
Results showed that communication problems were the #1 most frequent problem mentioned, with nearly 1 in 5 people noting difficulty discussing problems, and 1 in 8 mentioning trust issues in their relationships.
Previously unexpected patterns emerged from the data as well, including key gender differences in which themes were used the most.
“As we were conducting the study, we realized that this was an important opportunity to put a lot of common ideas about gender differences in relationships to the test” said Dr Ryan Boyd, the lead researcher of the project. “For example, are men truly less emotionally invested in relationships than women, or is it the case that men are simply stigmatized out of sharing their feelings?”
Analyses revealed that the most common theme mentioned by people talking about their relationship problems was about the emotional pain caused by the problems, rather than the problems themselves. The most common theme was about “heartache” and was comprised of words like regret, breakup, cry, and heartbroken.
Contrary to their expectations, the team’s findings showed that men discuss heartbreak significantly more than did women. These findings suggest that the stereotype of men being less emotionally invested in relationships than women may not be accurate.
Charlottle Entwistle said: “Notably, the fact that the heartache theme was more commonly discussed by men emphasizes how men are at least as emotionally affected by relationship problems as women.”
Additionally, the researchers found that men were more likely to seek relationship help than women in online settings.
Dr Ryan Boyd noted that “Traditionally, women are more likely to identify relationship problems, consider therapy, and seek therapy than are men. When you remove the traditional social stigmas against men for seeking help and sharing their emotions, however, they seem just as invested in working through rough patches in their relationships as women.”
The team’s findings have implications for the general public, as well as clinical settings. The researchers noted that developing a more accurate picture of relationship problems helps us to better understand when and why things go wrong in our relationships, potentially helping couples avoid the most common setbacks to romantic success. The study’s authors also suggest the findings may also help to destigmatize help-seeking by showing how common many relationship problems are, and by showing that men are just as likely as women to seek help in the first place.
The researchers say that this work also points to important future directions for additional research. “One of the most important things that we’re seeing here is that we’re able to create an incredibly accurate picture of relationship problems that everyday people face based purely on what people say online” said Dr Boyd. “This gives us serious hope that we can use help-seeking behavior to better understand all types of social and psychological issues, and in a way that we simply cannot do using traditional research methods.”
The study and results are published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
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FAQs
While women put in the time and effort to keep their friendships going, men are more likely to focus most of their emotional energies on their romantic relationships. “The guy is just waiting for the woman to come home so he can talk to her,” Reeves said.
Are men more hurt by breakups? ›
Contrary to their expectations, the team's findings showed that men discuss heartbreak significantly more than did women. These findings suggest that the stereotype of men being less emotionally invested in relationships than women may not be accurate.
Do men go through more emotional pain? ›
Are men truly less emotionally invested in a relationship than women? Not really, say psychologists. In fact, men tend to experience emotional pain more than women during breakups, reveals a new study led by researchers at Lancaster University.
Who feels more pain, male or female after breakup? ›
When it comes to men vs women after a breakup, the stereotype is that women take relationships more seriously or are likely to be more heartbroken after a breakup. However, studies show otherwise. A study has found that men are likely to be more heartbroken over the end of a relationship than women.
How to know a man is hurt after a breakup? ›
One of the telltale signs that he's hurting is expressing feelings of anger, guilt, or regret towards you openly. He might vent by blaming you for the relationship ending, criticizing your actions, or getting frustrated over specific incidents.
Why do guys take breakups harder? ›
Coleman has also found that often, men are less willing or able than women to take accountability for what went wrong in the relationship. “[Men] often struggle with accepting responsibility for their part in the breakup, instead seeing her leaving as an unfair decision that they did not deserve,” says Coleman.
Why do breakups hit men later? ›
Emotional processing differences
Men and women sometimes handle emotions differently. For guys, it might take longer to really understand and express what they're feeling after a breakup. They might need more time to sort through their emotions and make sense of everything that's happened.
Does heartbreak change a man? ›
Men retreat inward, go to a solitary state of disconnection, and are more likely to enter into addictive states in the wake of grief – and by extension, heartbreak. Create an environment of safety to talk about what is happening – usually by doing something active, like a walk or something distracting.
What is the psychology of a man after a breakup? ›
According to Psychologist Mert Şeker, Men's post-breakup psychology is actually not very complicated. A man may think that you have a new boyfriend if you have never contacted him after a breakup. Therefore, by finding a new girlfriend, he may try to prove that he is not alone and that he is happier without you.
Do men feel bad when they hurt a woman's feelings? ›
Of course, they do. Psychologist Mert Şeker notes, Men typically experience profound sadness and guilt after hurting their girlfriends, troubled by the pain they've caused and their partner's disappointment.
Yes, boys cry. Don't know about others but I cried, I cried a lot. I had a relationship of 6 years.
What hurts a man emotionally in psychology? ›
Struggles in relationships or the loss of a loved one can led to profound emotional distress, impacting a man's emotional health and outlook on life.
What makes a man miss a woman after a breakup? ›
Seeing something that reminds him of something you love or something the two of you shared together can help reignite that spark and make him miss you. Thinking back to the early days of your romance stirs up strong emotions and chemistry about the reasons you got together in the first place.
Why do guys sleep around after a breakup? ›
People choose to have rebound sex for different reasons. Perhaps you need a distraction, and a new partner creates a sense of excitement and makes you feel better. Others report using rebound sex to ease feelings of stress or depression after a breakup.
Who moves on faster after a breakup? ›
This emotional processing period is one potential reason researchers, such as in one 2015 study, have found that men are actually slower to fully recover from heartbreak than women—and may never truly get over the loss of a partner. Yet the study's authors suggested that our primal biology is to blame, too.
Who is more emotional after a breakup? ›
Despite the age-old stereotype that men are less emotionally invested in relationships than women, a new study has found that men are in fact more likely to experience more emotional pain than women following a breakup.
How long after a breakup do men feel the pain? ›
It's a lot easier to demonize you as opposed to have a hard look in the mirror. All in all though I'm going to point to that depressive episode roughly 2-4 months as evidence that breakups tend to hit a bit later for men. Remember, most of our clients have avoidant ex boyfriends.
Why do men act like they don't care after a breakup? ›
Men may turn cold after a breakup to protect themselves from further emotional pain. This distancing helps them process their feelings and move on. Additionally, it can be a way to avoid dealing with guilt, shame, or unresolved issues from the relationship.
How does heartbreak change a man? ›
Heartbreak for a man can be an overwhelming rollercoaster of emotions. It may trigger profound sadness, loneliness, and feelings of rejection. Men might struggle to express their emotions openly due to societal expectations of stoicism. They might also experience anger, frustration, and a sense of loss.
