The two of us tend not to accept physical gifts. Sometimes it’s hard to get people to understand this cultural shift. The best way to approach the no-gift-getting concept is to be proactive: we set the expectation with our friends and family we don’t need any more stuff, and if they want to give us gifts, they can get us experiences we will enjoy; they can celebrate our lives with us by spending time with us, not by piling on more stuff.
Of course, most of us don’t want to piss people off: we don’t want to offend. We worry what others will think.
Case in point—we received an interesting email from a reader, Dena, about Joshua’s essay, Letting Go of Sentimental Items:
“I recently started my minimalist journey, and up until now everything I have let go of has been pretty easy. I just wanted to thank you for this post because you helped me see that we are not our stuff. I now realize I do not have to hold on to something in order to remember a loved one; their memories are inside me. However, I am having trouble getting rid of gifts. It’s not me who has a problem getting rid of them, it’s the people who gave them to me who might get a bit upset. I was wondering if you had any suggestions? I want to get rid of this stuff because I feel like it is holding me up from moving on with my new lifestyle but I do not want to offend anyone.”
Joshua’s response:
Most people won’t notice or won’t care. A few might get offended, and that’s okay.
When I left my corporate job, some people got offended. When I stopped checking email every day, some people got offended. When I said “no” to certain past commitments, some people got offended. When I untethered from negative relationships, some people got offended.
We can’t let these things bother us, though. I think my friend Julien Smith said it best:
“Yes, it’s really happening right at this moment. Some people don’t like you, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. No amount of coercion, toadying, or pandering to their interests will help. In fact, the opposite is often true; the more you stand for something, the more they respect you, whether it’s grudgingly or not. What people truly respect is when you draw the line and say, ‘I will go no further.’ They may not like this behavior, but so what? These people don’t like you anyway, why should you attempt to please them?”
It’s okay to toss the stuff if it’s not adding value to your life: donate it, sell it, recycle it. Let go of it so you can focus on what’s important in your life. Most people won’t even notice, especially the people who care about you.
Read this essay and 150 others in our new book, Essential.
FAQs
Look them in the eye and tell them that you appreciate their kindness, but you are not comfortable. If they respect you, they will respect your boundaries. Sometimes people go overboard on gift-giving because they are desperate to be liked. Quite often they only end up pushing people away.
How do you gift something not physically? ›
Experience gifts are great zero waste treats for friends and loved ones and can be given at any time of the year. They are eco-friendly too. Non material gift ideas which include experience days, creative or nature pursuits, or courses, don't need to be produced or manufactured in the physical sense.
How do you deal with excessive gift giving? ›
In cases where the gift-givers just won't stop giving, we have to accept it. Please don't allow gifts to divide the family. Instead, learn to graciously accept the gifts, set them aside, and then donate the excess.
Is it okay to get rid of gifts? ›
It's okay to toss the stuff if it's not adding value to your life: donate it, sell it, recycle it.
Why do people give me gifts all the time? ›
We often give gifts to re-confirm or establish our connection with others, which means that they're a reflection of both the giver and the receiver, as well as their unique relationship. Giving a gift to someone we care about allows us to communicate our feelings and appreciation for them.
Is giving gifts a form of manipulation? ›
Gift giving can be a form of manipulation if used to influence someone's behavior or decisions in a covert way. It's crucial to assess the intent behind the gift. Genuine gifts aim to show appreciation and strengthen relationships, not to gain undue influence or control over the recipient.
How do I get out of gift-giving? ›
If you really would prefer no gifts try explaining your feelings. Something along the lines of; “We have made a conscious effort to keep our home decluttered and calm this year, hence there is no need to buy us physical gifts. It would mean a lot to me if we could skip the presents this year.”
How do you say no physical gifts? ›
We would prefer your presence rather than your presents! As we are so lucky to have a home together, we have decided not to request wedding gifts.
How do you turn down a gift gracefully? ›
Be specific and be honest when telling your friends and family why you don't want to receive holiday gifts. Communication is key! You can say something along the lines of “I appreciate you for thinking about me, but I would prefer to receive no gifts this year because [insert reason here].”
What is the psychology behind excessive gift-giving? ›
What is the psychology of giving too much? The psychology behind excessive giving often links to seeking approval or connection. Sometimes, it's about self-worth, where one feels valued more for what they give than who they are.
- Ask questions. The way to reduce habitual giving responses, is to become consciously aware of the nature of our giving. ...
- Become more self-aware. ...
- Look candidly at others. ...
- Look candidly at yourself and your unmet needs. ...
- Care for yourself. ...
- Set boundaries. ...
- Learn from Experience. ...
- Give time and energy to things you love.
We previously discussed how trauma re-enactment could show up in a triangle of patterns: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. From this perspective, excessive gift-giving can be a trauma response when you're the rescuer. The rescuer is the helper and over-giver.
How to handle an unwanted gift? ›
Be Gracious (and then donate)
Say thank you, be gracious (and grateful), and then find that gift a new home. You get to decide if you're more comfortable returning, exchanging, regifting, or donating the item in question.
What percentage of gifts are unwanted? ›
I suppose this might be okay if our gifts were legitimately enriching the lives of other people. But the statistics say otherwise: 53.1% of people report to receiving unwanted gifts during Christmas.
How do you stop someone from giving you gifts? ›
- Politely and considerately communicate that you do not want gifts; be kind and tactful but very clear.
- Refuse, donate,or regift all subsequent gifts asap and without guilt, if asked tell the truth and go back to Step 1.
The best strategy is to be as honest as possible. Let them know that you've been focused on simplifying and decluttering or that you're working on a tight budget this year and are unable to participate in the same level of gift-giving.
How do you say no to unwanted gifts? ›
If you want to head off future unwanted gifts from this friend, simply tell her: “I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but you really do not need to get me anything.
How to politely tell someone not to give you a gift? ›
Be honest: It's important to be honest with the person and let them know how you feel. You can say something like “I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I don't expect you to buy me gifts.”
How do I ask someone to stop giving gifts? ›
Tell her: “I was honest about how uncomfortable this makes me. I'm upset that you haven't respected our agreement. I can't figure out why you don't understand my feelings, but for our friendship to continue, I need you to agree to stop doing this. Please — no more gifts of any kind.
