by Letty Rising
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In Montessori training, most of us have been cautioned about offering praise to children. This flies in the face of what many of us grew up with, as it was implicitly communicated that praise was to be used as a measure of counteracting the previously more widespread phenomenon of punishment or criticism. After all, isn’t it better to praise children than to punish or criticize? Isn’t this a step in the right direction, compared to how things used to be?
Research has shown that when children are rewarded for a behavior, the behavior stops once the reward is withdrawn. And since praise is a form of reward, it goes without saying that saying “good job!” or “you are so smart!” can likely end up backfiring.
Refraining from praise, especially if it has become almost instinctual to say something like “good job,” or “very good,” after a child does something can be challenging. In fact, it is so ingrained into cultures worldwide that it’s one of the hardest habits for a new teacher to change. We use it as a tool to keep them doing the things we want them to do, and we also say it almost reflexively after a child does anything we deem as positive behavior and want to see more of.
If we aren’t saying these praise-laden phrases, then what do we replace them with?
Evaluative Praise vs Descriptive Praise vs Noticing
Phrases such as “good job,” or “you’re so smart,” are evaluative and imply judgment. When children hear these words, there is pressure to continue to live up to these expectations. Children who hear continuous evaluative praise grow to depend on external validation to tell them how they are doing.
The Montessori approach is all about the child constructing themselves, and therefore what we want them to develop is an internal sense of self that isn’t dependent upon the evaluation of others, even if those evaluations, on the surface, are positive and well-intentioned!
In addition, evaluative praise is also vague and non-descriptive. The typical pat-phrases don’t offer a lot of information to the child and are often said in passing, without conscious intent.
A step up from evaluative praise is descriptive praise. Descriptive praise is often paired with a personal feeling that demonstrates effusiveness. For example, I can say “Your painting is beautiful…you are such a good artist!” Which will lead the child to become self-conscious in the future because now they have to live up to the image of being a good artist when all they were likely trying to do was to create something as an act of self-expression!
Or, you could use descriptive praise and say “Wow, your painting is beautiful…I see that you used a deep blue for the sky, and a bright yellow for the sun, and this little red house looks like it’s right next to a mountain!” In this instance, the child is not being evaluated. The painting, to an extent, is being evaluated, but then there are some specific words and phrases, and examples, given to describe what is seen.
A further step away from praising is to notice. For example, I could say “Wow, I see lots of bold, brilliant colors in this painting. I see a deep blue for the sky up here, and a bright yellow for the sun and the little red house here looks like it’s right next to a mountain!” As you can see, there is no praising in any part of this sentence. The guide is simply noticing, and commenting on everything that is noticed.
This falls in line with our emphasis on observation… to observe is to notice, and in this situation, the guide is commenting on what they are noticing. A particularly effective strategy is to pair noticing with a question. For example: Wow, look at all of the brilliant colors you used in this painting. I see that you have a little red house right here. Do you know anyone who lives in a little red house?”
Children feel very “seen” when you not only notice them and comment using descriptive language in regards to what you notice, but they also appreciate when you ask curiosity questions about them and their work.
Praise vs Compliments
In an online Montessori teachers group that I am a part of, someone asked a question about whether or not it is okay to compliment a child when they initiate a question that would elicit a compliment.
For example, if a child says “Do you like my new shirt?”
When considering the notion of refraining from praising or complimenting children, I have stopped short of eliminating it entirely from my conversations because doing so feels artificial, contrived, and robotic. I believe that the blanket proclamation of “don’t praise the children” in the Montessori community has sometimes resulted in adults withholding connection from children. Children make bids for connection in a variety of ways, and asking us these kinds of questions is one way that they do.
If I respond with “I love your shirt!” it doesn’t have the same meaning as “good job!” The former is a compliment, and the latter is an example of praise. In other words, there would be a difference between me saying “Your painting is wonderful… you are such a good artist!” and “I love your painting!” The first is an evaluation, and the second is an expression of feeling.
Building Connections
When saying anything to children, it’s important to ask “Am I building a connection, or am I fostering a pattern of dependency?”
Responding to a child’s query about their outfit is an example of an interaction that is commonly seen between two people. However, if you find yourself in a situation where a child is coming to you every day asking for some sort of affirmation, whether it be if you like their shoes, or if you think their illustration looks good, then they are demonstrating a dependence on external affirmation. This is a signal that they might need some support in developing their capacity for self-affirmation.
This does NOT mean that you would want to withhold what the child is asking for at the moment. I would still respond, I would work more at engaging the child, asking them if they like their outfit, what their favorite part is and etc. And I would also identify other ways that we can connect besides talking about their clothing.
In the end, it’s all about building positive, healthy relationships, and the occasional “I love your shoes!” is not harmful.
Final Thoughts
When considering your interactions with children, it’s important to look deeply into blanket statements about how to communicate with children. When we hear the command “Don’t praise children,” there are definite reasons why praising children isn’t aligned with our overarching goals of wanting children to become independent, self-directed people who construct themselves through work and connection with others.
However, refraining from praise means we need to replace it with something else. And that something else, is connection. Children need to feel our warmth, our love, our care, and they also want to know that we are there to celebrate their joys with them.
Pairing noticing statements with questions gives the child a meaningful, authentic connection that shows them you are not only seeing them and paying attention to them but also taking time to ask them questions that indicate to them that you are interested in knowing more about them as a person. And this simple strategy is more impactful and effective than praise will ever be.
Letty Rising
Letty Rising has been involved in Montessori education for over 15 years. She holds a B.A. in Sociology, a California State Teaching Credential, and an AMI elementary diploma for ages 6-12 and an M.Ed from Loyola University in Maryland. She has held positions as a Homeschool Education Specialist, Montessori Elementary Teacher, School Director, Principal, Montessori Coordinator, and Consultant in several public and private Montessori school communities throughout the years. Letty currently supports schools around the world through professional development offerings, consulting, and mentoring.
