I’m Sorry! The Do's and Don'ts of a Good Apology (2024)

You’ve probably apologized many times in your life. When weapologize (and when we actually mean it), it’s important to be direct and ownup to our mistakes. However, it’s hard to do this properly because our instinctis to protect our ego. We want to maintain our self-image so much that, when wesay sorry, we often end up doing more harm. Poorly stated apologies, atbest, have no effect. At worst, they can actually increase hurt, anger, or evenescalate the problem.

On the other hand, an effective apology can mend wounds,patch up a relationship, and reduce the tension in a toxic environment. So,what does a good apology sound like? What are the important points to hit?

Luckily, researchers have discovered the elements of a good apology. Next time you screw up, be like Justin Bieber and say sorry more effectively using the following tips:

1. Clearlystate what you are sorry for. No fluff or explanation. For example, “HiBlake, I’m sorry that I said that you weren’t capable.”
2. Expressregret for what happened. Keep it simple. “I understand that my statementwasn’t warranted” or “I feel awful for having said that”.
3. Acknowledgethe expectation, law, or social norm that you violated. If you were latefor a pivotal meeting say, “I know it’s not acceptable to be late to thesemeetings.” Or, if you get caught talking behind someone’s back say, “Sorry,Blake, I shouldn’t be talking behind your back. It’s wrong and it’s totally unacceptableat the office, or anywhere for that matter.”
4. Recognizethe impact of your mistake, if you know it. If you don’t, leave this portion out as it’s dangerous to share howyou think a situation may have affected someone. If you get it wrong, you riskmaking the situation worse. Continuing our example from point 3, you might say,“I understand that hearing me question your abilities made you feel unfairlycriticized, and I’m sure that didn’t feel great.”
5. Offer torepair the situation. If you were trying to make up with Blake, you couldsay, “So, all of that said, I was hoping I could take you to lunch and we couldspend a bit of time getting to know one another.”

If you really want to step up your apology skills, make sureto avoid these common apology pitfalls:

1. Makingexcuses! Don’t say things like “I really didn’t mean it when I said…” or “Idid x because Sally did y…”.It lessens the effectiveness of the apology by making you sound insincere.
2. Shiftingblame. Avoid saying things like “I’m sorry you were offended” or “I’m sorry the group felt like I was out of line”. Doing this shifts the blame ontoothers and can really backfire as most people pick up on this type of weakapology.
3. Castingdoubt on others’ experience of the situation or questioning what transpired.For instance, don’t say, “I’m sorry ifthat’s what really happened yesterday.” If the apology goes well, then thetwo parties can discuss how things went down, but not before.
4. Usingpast behaviour to justify current behaviour. Sometimes you’ll hear someone say,“I’m sorry, but it was okay when I was growing up.” That might be the case. Itmight even be valuable to discuss it after the apology. However, during theapology, refrain from talking about how things used to be or others mayquestion whether you really get it.

Next time you make a mistake, use the guidance above and landyour apology.

Bellrockis a change management firm that specializes in implementation and getting results. If you enjoyed this article, consider sharing it with your networks.

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