How to Shut Down a Narcissist: 11 Phrases to Use (2024)

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Co-authored byJay Reid, LPCCand Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: April 30, 2024Fact Checked

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1. Empathetic language can help them feel understood. Someone with clinically diagnosed NPD may believe that no one else can understand what they’re going through. By telling them that you see where they’re coming from, you’re telling them that they’re not all alone in this world. Try this if you think their feelings are justified, even if they are being a little dramatic.^[2]

   • “I’d probably react the same way if I was in your position.”
   • “I get why you’re upset.”

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See Also
How to Talk to a Person with Narcissism: Communication TipsWhat Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist?What Infuriates a Covert Narcissist More Than Indifference?8 Subtle Clues a Person Is a Covert Narcissist

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1. A neutral statement can disarm someone who’s emotional. When you’re talking with someone who’s behaving in a narcissistic way, it’s best to avoid making any statements for or against what they’re saying. Instead, say something non-committal that’s just enough to appease them. Hopefully, your lack of a reaction will be enough to get them to move on.^[3]

   • “That’s an interesting point.”
   • “Hm, I never thought about it like that.”

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1. Using “we” language shifts the blame to both of you. If there’s one thing that a person with narcissistic qualities can’t stand, it’s being blamed for something (even if it’s totally justified). By lumping yourself in with their behavior, they’re much more likely to be open to discussing things calmly.^[4]

   • “We might be misunderstanding each other.”
   • “I think there’s been a miscommunication. Can we try again?”

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1. Push off the discussion, but don’t make the other person feel cast aside. If they’re trying to rile you up in public or when you’re already stressed out, tell them you don’t want to talk right now. However, make sure you promise to circle back around to it later—that way, they know you’re taking their concerns seriously.^[5]

   • “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now.”
   • “Let’s not have this discussion in front of everyone.”

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1. Appeal to their sense of logic to get them to stand down. Sometimes, a clarifying question can get them to snap out of their sense of entitlement. If they’re asking you to do something that really isn’t a reasonable request, a direct question might just shut them down.^[6]

   • “Does your request sound fair to you?”
   • “Would you do the same thing for me?”

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1. Make it clear that you don’t like to be bossed around. If someone in your life is demanding something of you, remind them with a gentle question that their behavior isn’t polite. Sometimes, people with narcissistic traits get so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they forget what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t.^[7]

   • “Please don’t order me around like that.”
   • “Could you rephrase that, please?”

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1. Remind the person you’re talking to that you have needs, too. A lot of times, people with narcissistic traits struggle to remember that the people around them also have needs and wants.^[8] Let them know that you’d like to have some input by asking them a question about your own needs.^[9]

   • “Are you thinking about both of us, or just yourself?”
   • “Can I make a suggestion?”
   • Keep in mind that a lack of natural empathy is a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. If someone has been clinically diagnosed with NPD, they’re likely not choosing to disrespect you—they genuinely may lack the ability to understand your feelings and perspective.^[10]

   See Also

   Can a Narcissist Love?

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1. Focus on how you feel to lower their defenses. One of the key symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is a resistance to criticism.^[11] If you can shift the focus to yourself and not them, you may be able to have a more productive discussion.^[12]

   • “Please don’t yell at me in public. It makes me feel belittled.”
   • “I feel hurt that you’d dismiss me like that.”

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1. Set a firm boundary, and don’t let them cross it. When you’re continually dealing with someone who displays narcissistic behaviors, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. It will keep you from being taken advantage of, and it will make you feel better, too. If you’re being yelled at or called names, tell them that it’s unacceptable.^[13]

   • “What makes you think it’s okay to treat me like this?”
   • “If you want me to be nice to you, you have to be nice to me, too.”

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1. Set real, actionable consequences for their bad behavior. Following through on consequences shows that you’re a strong person who won’t stand for your boundaries being pushed. Don’t put up with anything that crosses your boundaries, and feel free to walk away if you’re disrespected.^[14]

   • “I won’t listen to you when you yell at me. Let’s talk when you can be respectful.”
   • “If you raise your voice at me one more time, I’m ending this relationship.”

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1. Saying nothing may effectively stop this person in their tracks. Oftentimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will make inflammatory or rude comments to intentionally rile you up. If you can remain calm and avoid talking to them all together, you might be able to avoid a fight of any kind.^[15]

   • Staying calm in the face of rude comments can be tough. Try taking deep breaths and counting to 10 before you respond.

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