Almost everyone has questions about how to respond to negative feedback, whether they agree with the feedback or not. Around the time the first edition of Radical Candor came out, Helen Rumbelow wrote an article about the book.
While I enjoyed talking with Helen and was so happy that she immediately understood the difference between Radical Candor and Obnoxious Aggression, I later realized I’d failed to explain how to respond to negative feedback.
By not explaining how to handle negative feedback, I have given Helen the impression that pretty much all you can do when responding to negative feedback is to say thank you — or as she put it with great good humor, “Thank you, sir, can I have another.”
By the end of the article, she does say she’s found a way to say thank you and mean it.
But her words made me realize that in general, I talk too much about giving feedback, and too little about getting and responding to negative feedback (criticism).
I was worried I gave Helen the idea that the only reply to criticism is to say thank you, that she wasn’t “allowed” to say so if she disagreed with it.
You are 100% allowed to disagree with feedback, however, when responding to negative feedback at work, there are some common mistakes to avoid.
One mistake is becoming argumentative. It’s important to listen and understand the feedback without interrupting. Another mistake is dismissing the feedback or not taking it seriously.
It’s important to act on the feedback and make changes if necessary. Additionally, avoid engaging in debates or criticizing the person providing the feedback instead of focusing on understanding their perspective. Try to clarify and understand the feedback without becoming defensive.
Another common mistake when responding to negative feedback is over-analyzing or over-participating during the feedback process, which can distract from understanding the feedback itself.
When deciding how to handle negative feedback, it’s important to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to learn and grow. Take your time to process the feedback and find common ground with the person giving it.
Even if you disagree, find aspects that you can agree with and discuss your disagreement respectfully. Commit to a course of action and work together to find a solution. Remember, feedback is an opportunity for improvement and should be treated as a gift.
Below, I outline tips and examples for how to take feedback. By following these tips, you can create an environment of open, productive communication with your peers, fostering better working relationships and personal growth.
Table of Contents
How to Respond to Negative Feedback at Work
One of the hardest things about deciding how to respond to negative feedback at work is not to react defensively. Defensiveness in the face of criticism is a perfectly natural response, and we should forgive ourselves and others for having it.
At Radical Candor, we emphasize that when soliciting criticism it’s helpful to “listen with the intent to understand, not to respond.”
This helps reduce your defensive reaction and gives you the information you need to decide whether or not you agree with the feedback.
The next step we recommend is “rewarding the candor,” but we haven’t talked a lot about how to do that if you disagree with the feedback.
“Rewarding the candor” does NOT mean just taking it. Sometimes you WILL disagree with feedback. However, your job in that moment is just to listen and understand… disagree later.
Rewarding the Candor does not mean just taking it. It’s about showing that you are grateful to the person for being willing to criticize you.
When responding to negative feedback, it’s almost impossible to disagree without sounding defensive if you disagree too quickly.
But, you can and should tell the person that you disagree. If you just say, “Thank you for the feedback” through gritted teeth, you seem Manipulatively Insincere. It’s better to take the time to respond to negative feedback and explain why you disagree.
Once, a CEO to whom I’d offered criticism told me the next day, “I reject that feedback — but I love that you told me what you think! Do you want to hear why I disagree?”
Of course, I did — and I actually felt better about my coaching of him after that because he’d been so totally open to criticism before that moment that I wondered if he was really hearing it.
How to Handle Negative Feedback You Disagree With
Sometimes you are going to need to know how to respond to negative feedback at work that you disagree with. When responding to negative feedback, you don’t want to be defensive. But you don’t want to feel muzzled either.
If you use Radical Candor — if you state your position in a way that challenges directly and shows you care personally — both you and the person who gave you feedback will be able to come away from the conversation feeling you heard their feedback, were grateful for it, and were considerate, not defensive, in the way you explained your point of view.
Here are my how-to-respond-to-negative-feedback-at-work examples and tips:
Check your understanding. Repeat back what you think you heard, and say, “Did I understand correctly?” or “Did I get that right?” This is a good opportunity to show you care about the person, and what they think.
Take your time. Ideally, in the moment, just focus on listening and understanding. If you disagree, ask for some time to think more about the feedback. Taking more time will also help if you are mad or feel like it will be hard not to know how to not be defensive when receiving feedback.
Find common ground. Even if you don’t agree with everything that was said, find some aspect that you do agree with, and share it with the person.
Discuss your disagreement. Let the person know what you don’t agree with and why. Ask to discuss both your thinking and theirs. This is where you need to employ both your “challenge directly” and your “care personally” skills.
Commit to a course of action. Even if you can’t agree on everything that was said, work together to find and commit to a course of action. At our former company, Candor, Inc., Russ Laraway did this perfectly when he got some feedback from his direct report Elisse. He disagreed with it. They discussed it for a couple of minutes. Then Russ said, “If we have data, let’s do what the data says. If all we have are opinions, let’s go with yours.” The data proved Elisse right. At Apple, we summed this up as, “Listen, Challenge, Commit.”
How to Take Negative Feedback that’s Delivered Poorly
For an article in Harvard Business Review, I teamed up with Liz Fosslien and Molly West Duffy, experts in emotions at work, to offer examples of how to take negative feedback that’s poorly delivered.
Name Your Emotion:Figure out how you’re feeling and don’t judge yourself.
Separate the Wheat From the Chaff:Look for something helpful in the feedback even if it wasn’t delivered well.
Reward the Candor — even if you disagree: This doesn’t mean pretending to agree. Sometimes the best reward for feedback you disagree with is a respectful explanation of why.
Offer Feedback On Feedback:Talk to the person about the impact of their delivery.
Fish or Cut Bait:Figure out if you can continue to improve the relationship or if this is someone you need to avoid.
Read the full article for more advice and specific examples of how to respond to negative feedback that’s dripping with Obnoxious Aggression, Manipulative Insincerity, or Ruinous Empathy.
Allow Your Emotions to Settle: If you’re feeling frustrated with a coworker’s communication, it may be challenging to approach the situation with Radical Candor. Take some time to cool off before initiating the conversation, and remember that your goal is to be helpful.
View Criticism as a Learning Opportunity: When receiving feedback from a colleague, avoid critiquing their delivery method. Appreciate that they’ve brought the issue to your attention directly rather than escalating it to your supervisor. Express your gratitude for their directness.
Seek Feedback Proactively: Ask your colleague for feedback: “Is there anything I could do differently to improve our working relationship?” Be prepared for potentially uncomfortable truths and model good feedback reception by listening to understand and appreciating their honesty.
Share Your Perspective Clearly: Once you’ve established a foundation of mutual respect and openness to feedback, share your concerns. For example, you might say, “Sometimes, when you point out my mistakes, it’s difficult for me to process. May I explain why?” Then, elaborate on how their approach makes you feel accused rather than supported.
How to Take Negative Feedback as a Gift
To think about feedback as a gift, it’s important to shift your mindset and view feedback as a valuable opportunity for growth and improvement. Instead of seeing negative feedback as criticism or a personal attack, consider it as a thoughtful contribution that can help you learn and develop.
By embracing feedback with an open mind and recognizing the care behind it, you can reframe your perspective and appreciate the value it brings.
Here are some tips to help you think about feedback as a gift:
Adopt a Growth Mindset: Embrace the belief that feedback can help you learn and become better.
Recognize the Intention: Understand that feedback is often given with good intentions and a desire to help you improve.
Focus On Learning: Approach feedback as an opportunity to gain insights and develop new skills.
If somebody gave you a shirt that was the wrong size, you’d say thank you because they cared enough to buy you a gift. But you wouldn’t have to wear the shirt in the wrong size just because someone gave it to you.
If the shirt came from a person who’s going to give you more gifts in the future, you might tell that person what your shirt size is, or risk a lot more shirts in the wrong size.
Think of criticism as a very specific kind of gift. There are two ways in which negative feedback can be a gift. The person can be pointing out a problem that, now you’re aware of it, you can fix. OR, the person can be pointing out a problem that is not actually a problem.
Now that you are aware of what they think, you can give them an alternative point of view and perhaps change their mind.
If you never disagree with criticism, then you’re not taking full advantage of the gift.
When criticism is offered in good faith, it’s a gift. It may not be the gift you wanted or even the gift you needed, but the very act of giving it is an act of caring.
We have found from personal experience and from clients that when responding to negative feedback, thinking about criticism in these terms often proves useful in understanding howto not be defensive when receiving feedback.
Remember, responding to negative feedback with compassion and openness can lead to a more helpful feedback culture.
How to Manage Your Emotions When Getting Feedback
When receiving feedback, managing your emotions is crucial. Here are some tips to help you handle your emotions effectively:
Remind Yourself to Listen and Understand: Your first job when receiving feedback is to listen with the intent to understand, not to defend yourself. Keep this in mind and focus on truly comprehending the feedback being given.
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Recognize that it’s normal to have emotional reactions to feedback. Allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment or trying to suppress them. Emotions can provide valuable insights into how the feedback is impacting you.
Stay Present and Curious: Instead of reacting defensively, approach the feedback with curiosity. Stay calm and listen attentively, asking questions to gain a deeper understanding of the feedback and the perspective of the person providing it.
Take Care of Yourself: Feedback can sometimes be challenging, so it’s important to prioritize self-care. Make sure you’re getting enough rest, exercise, and nourishment. Taking care of your well-being can help you manage your emotions more effectively.
Avoid Reacting Defensively: Resist the urge to become defensive or argue against the feedback. Keep your mindset focused on understanding and learning from the feedback, regardless of how you feel about it. Avoid interrupting with your point of view and instead, strive to see the feedback as an opportunity for growth.
By implementing these tips, you can navigate feedback more effectively and use it as a tool for personal and professional development.
Get Radical Candor coaching and consulting for your team >>
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You’ll get an hour of hilarious content about a team whose feedback fails are costing them business; improv-inspired exercises to teach everyone the skills they need to work better together, and after-episode action plans you can put into practice immediately to up your helpful feedback EQ.
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Introduction: My name is Arielle Torp, I am a comfortable, kind, zealous, lovely, jolly, colorful, adventurous person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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