Couples CounselingRelationships
Written By Zac Giparas
All relationships have disagreements. When disagreements occur, fighting fairly can ensure that the situation improves, rather than deteriorates. It's not easy to remain calm and polite when you feel you've been wronged. But the alternative doesn't provide for a positive outcome, at least not for long.
Fight fairly, and your relationship will endure challenging times!
Try these techniques to fight fairly in your relationship and communicate effectively:
1. Listen. You can't fight fairly if you don't understand your partner's point of view. Talk less, listen more. Keep your self-talk to a minimum. When you're listening to yourself, you can't be listening to anyone else. We want to feel heard and not like we are talking to a brick wall when we are communicating or arguing. This process starts with us being willing to listen to our partner.
Take turns speaking. Let your partner say their piece and then respond. You'll have plenty of time to get your point across.
Ask open-ended questions to ensure you have the full story.
Show genuine interest and curiosity about what your partner is saying and why they feel that way or came to that point of view.
Listen with the intent to hear your partner instead of with the intent to respond. When we are so focused on what we are going to say next or how to defend our position, we are not really listening. If both partners are listening with the intent to respond, nobody is actually being heard and the discussion cannot move forward.
2. Be kind. You won't accomplish anything by being unkind. You might be seeing red, but your words shouldn't convey that sentiment.
If you can't be kind, consider postponing the discussion for another time. Most disagreements can wait.
3. Take a Time-Out. Taking a time out in order to calm down can be such a crucial tool. It allows us to cool down and think more clearly.
This is different than withdrawing or putting up a wall to avoid the discussion because you decide together to resume the conversation at an agreed upon time and will honor that commitment (10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, whatever you need to relax and calm down).
Both partners need to agree that when things become too heated, you have the ability to ask for a time out and there is no judgment from the other.
When we can agree to come back and discuss the problem when both partners are less flooded with emotion, the conflict can return to a more rational discussion instead of an emotional battlefield.
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4. Avoid making assumptions. It's easy to think you already understand the issue completely. But your partner may have a completely different perspective. You don't know what another person is thinking until you've given them a chance to share. There may be information you don't know yet. You can't read anyone's mind.
Don’t assume you know what they are going to say or how they are going to respond to what you are saying.
Try to take a different approach by interpreting your partner’s actions and intentions as positively as you can. You don’t want to be unrealistic, but try not to assume that your partner is deliberately doing something negative like intentionally ignoring your needs, not listening to your side, or trying to hurt you.
5. Avoid personal attacks. The moment you attack another person, they become defensive. You've immediately eliminated any chance for a constructive resolution at that time. Address behavior and the issue at hand. Avoid attacking the other person directly.
Focus on discussing the one problem at hand. Focus on discussing the problem, not the other person.
Avoid trying to hurt your partner just because you are feeling hurt.
One of the quickest ways to derail a conversation is to criticize the other person, putting them down, swearing or cursing at them, or calling them names. Attacks on who we are as a person will often lead to them attacking us, attacks only escalating until both partners are left feeling upset, disconnected, frustrated, regretful, discouraged, or even hostile.
6. Be honest. Tactfully present your opinion and feelings. If you're not brave enough to be honest, the situation will continue indefinitely. You can do it! Take a deep breath and be honest.
Ask yourself why you are feeling so upset.
Is this really about not the dishes not being put away immediately? Or is this maybe about feeling like you are being asked to do an uneven share of the chores lately and are feeling unappreciated as a romantic partner?
7. Focus on solutions, together. Instead of assigning blame, put your heads together and consider solutions that will make both of you happy. Too often, the goal of fighting is the assignment of blame. Turn the tables and place your full attention on discovering solutions that will minimize or eliminate the source of friction.
Avoid judging your partner's suggestions harshly. "I don't think that will work. Here's why..." is much easier to digest than "That's a horrible idea."
Remember that there is not always a perfect answer or perfect solution. Trying to find a solution but being willing to find a compromise that you both agree with should be the goal. However, if a compromise cannot be reached, being willing to listen to each other and understand where they are coming from can be a crucial step in calming some of the negative feelings resulting from the problem or the argument.
If your arguments are about simply determining a “winner” and a “loser,” you both lose.
8. Keep your voice down. Most of us will wait until we have some privacy before we fight. Excessive volume is unnecessary. Your partner is right in front of you. Avoid escalating the situation by yelling. Exercise self-control.
When we are emotionally invested in a topic, we want to feel heard. If it seems like we are not being heard, sometimes our tendency can be to repeat our point louder and louder in an attempt to break through to our partner until we are yelling.
Arguments are not “won” by being the loudest, it could just be that one partner backs down in order to stop the fight. The problem is not actually being addressed, it’s just being put aside because it feels unsafe.
Stonewalling is a common response to yelling. This happens when the conflict becomes too much to handle, so the person decides to just stop communicating. This can be seen as them putting up a wall between their partner and themselves or going into their shell. Although the conflict stops, it is not solving the problem and the partner being stonewalled will often get more upset and try to push even harder for them to open up and engage.
9. Try holding hands while you fight. If you're truly looking for solutions together, why couldn't you hold hands while you do it?
If you can't hold hands, you're not in the positive frame of mind that's necessary and conducive to resolving the situation. Take a deep breath, allow yourself to calm down, and consider the benefits of working out a solution together.
You can also try to look in each other’s eyes.
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10. Avoid bringing up past mistakes or transgressions. Your fights should address current issues. What happened three years ago is off-limits. Keep your attention on the present.
Keep the argument focusing on one issue at a time. Focusing on everything your partner has ever done wrong is not going to help them work with you to resolve the current issue.
Try not to use phrases like “you always” or “you never.” These kinds of statements blame the other partner and they can interpret it as never being good enough or doing enough to make their partner happy.
It can also trigger the “fight or flight” response, which often brings about a protective or defensive position, where they care more about proving they are good without considering their partner, which makes coming to a solution unlikely.
It also takes the discussion off topic from the one issue that started the fight into a messy combination of different problems, making it much harder to identify solutions and compromises to the issue at hand.
11. It doesn't matter what others think. Your best friend's opinion doesn't matter. Neither does the opinion of your partner's mother. The only opinions that matter are yours and your partner's.
12. Accept responsibility. Try to use the word "I" more than you use the word "you." Discuss your opinions, feelings, and wishes. Consider what part you've had in the disagreement. It's not just the other person's fault.
Use a softer way of starting the conversation or expressing your needs. Even if we don’t mean to, our words can often feel accusatory or blaming when talking with our partner about how our needs are not being met.
You have to learn how to communicate the way they will hear you and understand your thoughts and feelings, not just communicating the way that you communicate. We can only control what we say, but not how others will hear and interpret it. We have to be clear and take responsibility for how we say things, otherwise it can be misunderstood.
Try saying, “I feel [your feeling] when [the specific behavior, not a pattern of behavior], and I need [state the positive need].” – The Gottman Institute’s Soften Your Start-Up Formula
Some examples of this would be:
“I feel lonely when we don’t have dinner together, and I need to spend some quality time together this week”
“I feel hurt when you don’t read the articles I send you, and I need to feel like you’re interested in the things I care about”
“I feel worried when we go for so long without calling/texting each other. I am afraid you don’t care, and I need some reassurance that our relationship is in a good place. I would like it if we could discuss how often we communicate.”
Keep these rules in mind when fighting with your significant other. Fighting fairly requires restraint and maturity. Keep your eye on the prize, which is resolution. If your primary desire is to be right, you're only prolonging your suffering. Fight fairly and you'll strengthen your relationship.
Remember that even when you are fighting, at the end of the day it is you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner. The goal should be to solve the problem together and feel connected, not win the argument. If I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out or schedule your first free session.
Cheering You On,
Zac Giparashttps://www.sunshinecitycounseling.com/zac-giparas
