Grief and Relief: Is it Wrong to Feel Relief When Someone Dies? [Transcript]
Today I’m going to be discussing grief and relief. I’ll beanswering the question: is it wrong to feel relief when someone dies? Spoiler alert, it’s not wrong. It can be very natural and normal. I’m going to start by briefly defining grief, relief, and guilt and discussing how emotions don’t take turns. Then we’ll discuss some specific situations and relationships that could lead to relief after a death. And finally, we’ll look at ways to manage the complex emotions that can follow the death of a loved one.
Defining grief, relief, and guilt
Grief is the complex emotional reaction to the loss of someone or something that is meaningful to you. Ending of a relationship can trigger grief. So can the loss of a job or graduating from school. But possibly the loss we most often connect with grief is the loss of a loved one. This loss can lead to a wide variety of emotions: anger, disbelief, fear, sadness, shock. While many of those emotions may be expected, some others may be more surprising. This can include relief and guilt.
Relief is a feeling of ease, reassurance, or release following the removal of anxiety, distress or pain. We might not automatically associate relief with the loss of a loved one. However, many circ*mstances surrounding a relationship or connected to a loss could relate to feelings of anxiety, distress, and pain. And if a death brings those feelings to an end, a sense of relief may automatically follow. And while that relief is totally natural and normal and something that occurs on its own, it may lead to feelings of guilt.
The feeling of guilt is the idea that we deserve the blame for some offense. Say something happens that is characterized as bad, like the loss of a loved one. We may think that feeling any positive emotion related to that is wrong. And then we feel guilt for having those feelings. But feeling relief after a loved ones death can be a very normal reaction. It does not mean the person feeling the relief is wrong, or uncaring, or that they wanted the person to die.
Read more about understanding and managing grief.
Feelings Don’t Take Turns
Now might be a good time to remind us that feelings don’t take turns. One of the reasons someone might feel guilty for feeling relief after a loved one’s death is that they’ll think it means they aren’t hurting enough over the death. They may think that they aren’t in enough pain if they also feel relief. They may think that means they didn’t love the person enough or even that they wanted them to die. That is absolutely false. The thing to remember about feelings is they’re complicated, especially the emotions related to grief. They can be messy and pushy, and they don’t just show up one at a time.
You can feel absolutely devastated by the loss of a loved one and, at the same time, feel relief that their pain is over. You can feel the deepest sense of sadness and still be relieved that you no longer have to spend every day at the hospital with the loved one. We can feel more than one, or two, or seven emotions at a time. This doesn’t make any of them less valid, and it definitely doesn’t mean that we didn’t love someone enough.
Types of loss that can lead to grief and relief
There’s a wide variety of reasons someone might feel relief after the death of a loved one. We’re going to explore a few of them, but by no means is this an exhaustive list.
Alleviation of suffering
When our loved one is elderly or terminally ill or is suffering from mental illness or severe addiction, they may be experiencing a great deal of pain and distress. This comes to an end with their passing. Feeling relief that they are no longer in pain and that we no longer have to see them hurting can naturally lead to feelings of relief. This does not mean that we wished for their death but rather we recognized that their suffering has finally ended.
Anticipatory grief
When the loved one is terminally ill or elderly, we may begin the grieving process long before their actual death. This anticipatory grief can be just as painful as post-death grief, and it may last for a long or indeterminate period of time. Often, when the expected death does occur, a sense of relief can accompany the end of the anticipatory grief as that particular painful period comes to a close.
Complicated relationships
Some relationships with loved ones can be particularly complicated or challenging. This complication can continue past death into the grief we feel. If we had a difficult relationship with a loved one, possibly involving abuse, anger, avoidance, or estrangement, a sense of relief could accompany that death as we realize some of the pain related to the relationship may have also ended. However, we should keep in mind that these relationships could lead to many other complicated feelings during the grieving process.
Exhaustion
The amount of time and effort often required to provide care for an elderly or terminally ill loved one can leave many people completely exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. For some people, taking care of an ailing loved one can take more time and energy than a full-time job. When the expected death arrives, of course it’s painful. But as the stress of the constant work is lifted, a sense of relief can be completely normal. It in no way means the caregiver or caretaker loved the person any less, just that they were human with normal limitations.
Shifting relationships
Elderly or terminally ill individuals may undergo personality shifts, especially if various mental health issues are involved. The personality changes can sometimes lead to painful shifts in relationships with those loved ones as they lose shared memories, forget our identities, or become suspicious or less friendly. Their passing can bring the shift to an end, allowing us to focus on the less painful pre-illness memories, which in turn can bring a sense of relief.
How to Manage Grief, Relief, and Guilt
After hearing all of that, you might be saying, “Yeah, but I still feel guilty.” So now that we understand how and why we might feel relief, but we still have the grief and guilt possibly present. So here are some things to keep in mind to help manage grief and guilt.
Remember: it’s normal.
Feeling some sense of relief connected to the loss of a loved one is completely natural and something that many people feel. It’s important that you’re not unfairly hard on yourself. Instead, give yourself the understanding and compassion you deserve while you’re navigating the complicated emotions that are connected to grief.
Forgive the guilt
Reflect on the guilt that you may have and exercise the same compassion and forgiveness for yourself. The feelings are normal and don’t prove that you didn’t care for the loved one.
Review
Sometimes guilt for the relief we feel can be alleviated by really taking stock and reviewing all we did for the loved one, especially when were a caretaker. Drafting a list of all the responsibilities we had can help us understand why we would feel natural relief when we no longer needed to do all of them.
Take your time
As I’ve said repeatedly, grief is an incredibly complex set of emotions, and it does not have a set timeline. Take the time you need to process it all and don’t try to rush yourself along, thinking that you’ve grieved enough. It may seem easier at times and then get worse again, and that is also normal.
Find support
Turn to your support group. You should always feel comfortable and ready to reach out to your own support group of family, friends, and loved ones so that you can find people to help you navigate your feelings during these difficult times. You may also want to look for a more formalized bereavement support group.
Ask for help
Related to that, you should ask for help when you need it. Often following a death, the people who care about the person who faced the loss don’t know how to help them. Let them know what you need. They’ll be very grateful.
Find counseling
Finding the support and assistance of a mental health counselor, especially one with experience in grief counseling can be an invaluable tool toward navigating the complex emotions that you’re feeling.
Read more about coping with grief and loss.
So, in conclusion, remember that grief can be full of complex emotions, including relief and guilt, and they are all completely natural. Emotions don’t wait their turn. They can come in complicated groups and be difficult to navigate. Relief can follow a death for a variety of reasons, all of which are normal and natural and in no way suggest that you cared any less for your loved one. And following the loss of a loved one, it’s important to find ways to manage your grief and find support to help you navigate that during the difficult time.
Looking for help processing the death of a loved one? You can book a free consultation with one of our therapists.
What other emotions have you noticed may accompany the loss of a loved one? Share your comments below!
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