Reversing the course of an escalating conflict is a topic that surfaces frequently in my work with coaching clients and workshop participants. I have received emails, blog comments, and twitter requests for help with this topic. While full treatment of the topic goes beyond what I can completely cover in a single blog post, I thought I would collect what I would consider the most powerful and most universal tips for conflict de-escalation.
In a previous post on why conflicts escalate, I wrote on the perception-anger-behavior pattern that often contributes to conflict escalation. The leverage or trigger point of the pattern that leads conflicts to escalate is the perception part — specifically the perception of threat. That leverage point is the focus of this post.
The big idea to remember when you want to de-escalate a conflict is…
Make yourself non-threatening to the other person.
In the interest of giving you specific steps to accomplish the goal of making yourself non-threatening, I suggest that you…
1. Listen
Listening is a powerful tool. When other people think that you have not listened to their concerns, they will almost invariably see you as a threat.
2. Acknowledge and accept their emotions/feelings
Building on the idea of listening, I recommend that you acknowledge and accept the other person's feelings without passing judgement on them. As I said when I wrote the tongue-in-cheek post about how to make a conflict worse, I don't recommend telling them how they feel. It is usually okay to ask them how they feel and then to acknowledge it.
3. Apologize for your contribution
This is a point I have made before, and I think it is worth making again: very few conflicts are entirely the fault or responsibility of only one party. There is almost always something that you have done to make the conflict worse. To de-escalate the conflict, accept responsibility for your contribution and apologize for it.
4. Control your tone and body language
A significant portion of the message people receive from you in face-to-face communication is conveyed through your body language and your voice tone. If you look threatening, you are threatening. If you want to de-escalate a conflict, remember to control your tone and body-language.
5. Focus on the future
Getting hung-up in the past is a sure-fire way to make conflicts worse. When you shift the conversation to the future, you engage both you and the other person in a problem solving activity rather than a fault-finding exercise. You create hope, and you make yourself less threatening.
In future posts, I'll share practical strategies and tips for applying these five ways to de-escalate conflicts. In the meantime, remember the key point, to de-escalate a conflict you need to make yourself non-threatening to the other person.
This article is from theDe-escalation Tipsseries. Use the links below to read more from this series.
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In a 2023 Harvard Business Review article, Catherine Cote broke down the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model, which highlights five conflict resolution strategies: avoiding, competing, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating.
What are 5 ways to resolve conflict? ›
Five Conflict Resolution Strategies
- Raise the Issue Early. Keeping quiet only lets resentment fester. ...
- Manage Your Emotions. Choose your timing when you talk to someone about the conflict. ...
- Show Empathy. ...
- Practice Active Listening. ...
- Acknowledge Criticism.
The Five Steps to Conflict Resolution
- Step 1: Identify the source of the conflict. The more information about the cause of the conflict, the more easily it can be resolved. ...
- Step 2: Look beyond the incident. ...
- Step 3: Request solutions. ...
- Step 4: Identify solutions both disputants can support. ...
- Step 5: Agreement.
In a 2023 Harvard Business Review article, Catherine Cote broke down the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model, which highlights five conflict resolution strategies: avoiding, competing, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating.
What are the five methods for managing conflict? ›
Master these five important lessons, and you'll become a better and more effective leader whom people feel they can trust.
- Address the Conflict. ...
- Clarify the Issue Causing the Conflict. ...
- Bring the Involved Parties Together to Talk. ...
- Identify a Solution. ...
- Monitor and Follow Up.
- 5 C's OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT. KNOW YOUR GOAL!
- Compete. ➤ Quick, decisive action is necessary. ...
- Concede. ➤ The issue is much more important.
- to the other person. ➤ There is a need to maintain harmony.
- Compromise. ➤ You need a solution that is at least.
- minimally acceptable to all. ...
- Collaborate. ...
- (all parties must be satisfied)
Pondy's model of organizational conflict was formulated in 1967, defining the conflict process as a dynamic among individuals, and is made up of five stages of conflict: latent stage, perceived stage, felt stage, manifest, and conflict aftermath.
What are the five 5 styles of conflict resolution? ›
According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, there are 5 styles of conflict management: accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and competing.
What are the 5 parts of conflict? ›
conflict-handling modes, you create the five major combinations possible in a conflict situation.
- • Competing: Is assertive and uncooperative. ...
- • Collaborating: Is both assertive and cooperative. ...
- • ...
- • Avoiding: Is both unassertive and uncooperative. ...
- • Accommodating: Is unassertive and cooperative.
Here are some tips for how to stop conflict before it starts.
- Know your conflict style. When you have a disagreement with someone, what do you do? ...
- Form connections with others. Strengthening your relationships with others can help with preventing conflict. ...
- Communicate effectively. ...
- Reach out for help.
The 5-5-5 method is simple, according to Clarke. When a disagreement comes up, each partner will take 5 minutes to speak while the other simply listens, and then they use the final five minutes to talk it through.
What are the five 5 types of conflict and explain each? ›
There are five main types of conflict in organisational settings including Intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intragroup, Intergroup, and Interorganisational conflict. Intrapersonal conflict happens within the individual and can be caused by self-doubt, stress, role conflict, and ethical dilemmas.
What are the 5 approaches to conflict discussed? ›
Thomas and Kilmann use these factors to explain the five different approaches to dealing with conflict: avoiding, competing, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. These approaches are pictured in Figure 2.3 below.
What are the 5 steps to conflict resolution? ›
Here is the conflict resolution process in five steps.
- Step 1: Define the source of the conflict. ...
- Step 2: Look beyond the incident. ...
- Step 3: Request solutions. ...
- Step 4: Identify solutions both disputants can support. ...
- Step 5: Agreement.
The following steps are a guide on how to choose the most effective strategy to avoid or resolve conflicts in the workplace:
- Define the conflict. ...
- Establish a common goal for both sides. ...
- Brainstorm methods to meet your goal. ...
- Determine the barriers to conflict resolution. ...
- Agree on a solution.
Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed five conflict resolution strategies that people use to handle conflict, including avoiding, defeating, compromising, accommodating, and collaborating. This is based on the assumption that people choose how cooperative and how assertive to be in a conflict.
What are the 5 A's of conflict resolution? ›
The authors suggest a five-step approach to managing conflict: assessment, acknowledgement, attitude, action, and analysis. Conflict management begins with an assessment of the sources of the conflict, the individual characters involved and their goals, and the communication environment.
What are 10 ways to resolve conflict? ›
Some Ways to Resolve Conflicts
- Talk directly. Assuming that there is no threat of physical violence, talk directly to the person with whom you have the problem. ...
- Choose a good time. ...
- Plan ahead. ...
- Don't blame or name-call. ...
- Give information. ...
- Listen. ...
- Show that you are listening. ...
- Talk it all through.
According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), used by human resource (HR) professionals around the world, there are five major styles of conflict management—collaborating, competing, avoiding, accommodating, and compromising.
