Excessive Reassurance Seeking in Relationships (2024)

FAQs

Excessive Reassurance Seeking in Relationships? ›

Excessive reassurance seeking is an unhealthy combination of validation and dependency. When your partner becomes the only source of love and when the reassurance becomes a source of anxiety, it is time to examine the patterns in the relationship.

A persistent need for reassurance isn't caused by any one factor for every person, but at the heart of the behavior are often feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

Excessive reassurance-seeking may become a red flag in a relationship, especially when the partner carries emotional baggage from past trauma or has underlying psychological problems.

Reassurance-seeking is a common symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and goes beyond an innocent need for consolation. ¹. It often looks like double-, triple-, and even quadruple-checking that someone is okay, that a work email sounds professional, or that they're safe and healthy.

Most people need reassurance once in a while, but people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) tend to seek reassurance excessively. People with anxiety disorders or dependent personality disorder may also engage in excessive reassurance-seeking.

Dependent personality disorder: This condition is marked by a constant and excessive need to be cared for by someone else. It also involves submissiveness, a need for constant reassurance and the inability to make decisions.

One basic measure of whether reassurance-seeking is excessive is frequency: asking someone for reassurance once or twice might be reasonable, but if you ask about the same sort of concern several times or more, even using slight variations on the question, then it is more likely to be excessive.

Unlike red flags, which indicate possible issues, green flags reassure you that the partnership is solid. They are essential for maintaining emotional health, lowering stress levels and raising relationship satisfaction in general.

Why does my boyfriend need so much reassurance? ›

When a partner asks for reassurance constantly, it could mean they feel insecure, are in a low-quality relationship, or may not have a secure attachment style. For example, in past personal experiences, they may have actively sought to confirm their partner's interest and ensure that their partner cares.

The four mindful steps are 1) Distinguish doubts or distress from true danger, 2) Embrace the feeling of uncertainty, 3) Avoid reassurance, and 4) Float above the feeling while letting time pass. These steps work independently of the content of the thoughts.

They often imagine the worst scenarios, leading to insecurity and hurt. Show them you care by offering clarity and understanding whenever they need it. That's how you will win their trust.

Reassurance-seeking behaviors

It's normal to want to feel secure in your relationship. But if you find yourself constantly needing this type of validation—to the point that it may be harming your relationship, and getting in the way of your daily life—then it could signal a deeper issue that's worth examining.

Examples of unhealthy reassurance in relationships include: Constantly asking if a partner is upset: when a partner asks the other if they are angry or disappointed, it can be helpful to clarify issues in the relationship and initiate a conversation to manage conflict.

You might say: I know this is hard for you, but I don't want to feed your anxiety and help it grow. I'm open to ideas to support you or help you face this but from now on when you ask me _____ I will not answer that question.”

When we dig a little deeper, we usually find that this need for constant reassurance is driven by anxiety. And when this is the case, it can easily become part of a pattern. Whilst reassurance may relieve our anxiety in the moment, it's likely to make it worse longer term.

Having an anxious attachment style.

It's based on research showing that different people engage in relationships based on how they were raised. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might have a fear of being abandoned, and need reassurance in your relationship to feel safe.

Why do we need constant validation? According to counselling psychologist Dr. Kocchar, people seek attention for various reasons, driven by unmet past emotional needs, low self-esteem, or, in extreme cases, personality disorders (Healthshots, 2022).