Do Not Google "Goose Teeth" (2024)

It all started because of the horrifying state of health care in this country, of course. My neurologist just straight up decided she’s not even taking insurance anymore, thank you very much, and if you want to see her, that’ll be $350. Which is: whatever. Inevitable, I guess, because pretty soon we’re going to all be getting our health insurance from Amazon, and we’ll be unable to see a doctor in person unless we also have a commercial-free Prime Video subscription and one thousand Kindle points in our account. Like how you can’t scan on a Hewlett-Packard printer if you’re out of magenta ink, or not connected to the “HP Smart” app so they can peep your every move and threaten litigation if you’re using off-brand cartridges.

The point is that I’ve started supplementing my migraine medication with one-half of a THC gummy (legally obtained!) because it’s going to cost $350 to try a new migraine medicine that only just might work, and also I think probably I will have to win an arm-wrestling tournament with the Customer Caretaker Ninjas at United Healthcare for them to approve it, and then beg the Smile n’ Dial team at Rite Aid for them to fill it. It’s overwhelming and for only $35 + tip, a man will come to my door with a pack of berry-flavored gummies that at least make me care less about the excruciating eyeball-explosion-level pains of my migraines.

So last night, I was half a gummy and one full prescription triptan into a migraine when I started wondering if ducks have teeth. I asked Stacy first, and she said, “No. …right? No. No? …no?” Which isn’t exactly definitive and not the kind of facts I would want to rely on if I ever found myself in a fight with a duck. And, while high, I did seriouisly consider that I might one day be called upon to settle a duck dispute with my fists. So, I turned to the second closest source of information at my fingertips: my “digital assistant,” Siri. And let me just say, right out of the gate, that I am SO POLITE to Siri, okay? Unflinchingly affable and well-mannered, no matter what’s going on in my day. Please and thank you, etc. “Siri,” I said, “Do ducks have teeth?”

Siri didn’t answer immediately, so I thought maybe she didn’t hear me, but when I looked down at my phone, I could see she was activated. I didn’t realize at the time that she was pausing in that passive-aggressive way some people do where they’re silent to make you have to really look at them, right in the eyeballs, so they can pull a face that lets you know how dumb they think you are, before answering your question. After her belligerent pause, Siri said, “Ducks, like all birds, do not have teeth.” (“Idiot!” implied.) Like all birds. LIKE ALL BIRDS. Like: “And don’t even think about asking me about sparrow or woodpecker teeth, you absolute clown! How did you even pass ninth grade science!” (Because my teacher felt bad when I had a complete meltdown after her farmer husband brought in a live chicken, which he proceeded to kill in the hallway and drag back into class to dissect it. That’s how I passed ninth grade biology. With pity. I went to high school in rural Georgia, which I’m sure you know, along with my bra size and blood type, Siri!)

Obviously my next move was to go to Twitter to complain about Siri’s insolence, which is where things really went sideways. My dear friend

— who did not grow up on a farm, and probably never saw a chicken get murdered at their high school, and honestly is so very City that I can’t even be sure they know what grass is — has a shocking amount of information about wild animals stored in their brain. They can tell you what literally all groups of animals are officially named, for example. Clowder of cats, cauldron of bats, prickle of porcupines. And on top of that, Valerie Anne never wants anyone to feel alone, so when you’re expressing dismay, you can count on them to say they totally understand why you thought what you thought, or did what you did. In this case, they thought Siri was actually being both mean and wrong, because geese have teeth, they said. Both beak teeth and tongue teeth.

Just reading that information made a shiver creep up my spine like a ghost walked into the room. My stomach turned. My shoulders got tense. I made an involuntary blech sound and then said it louder to try to shake the heebie-jeebies out of my bones. BLECH! I felt so weird knowing about the tongue teeth. So f*cking weird. Like finding out wood elves are cannibals or that worms have butts. God. Even just typing this out is making me want to crawl out of my own skin. But, as I say, I was high, and I thought I should probably just look upon this horror myself. Probably it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining.

WRONG.

IT WAS SO MUCH WORSE.

I don’t even now how to describe the monstrosity of a goose mouth to you. Like, okay, imagine just a regular bird beak. Fine and normal. Only when the bird opens its beak, you can see that the entire rim of its snout is absolutely covered in teeth. It almost made me sick, but I did enlarge a photo so I could count the teeth and I got to 120 (ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY) before I had to stop because I was too queasy to go on. A goose mouth looks like it is made of saw blades. Its whole entire nozzle, top and bottom, saw blades. But it gets worse. The goose’s tongue is disgusting on its own, just as a tongue. First of all, it’s as long and as wide as the beak itself. And! Wrapped around the edges like a package trimmed with ribbons is MORE SAW BLADES. What animal do you think has the most teeth? Probably like a whale, right? NO. WRONG. A goose. It has to be a goose. There’s at least a thousand teeth in a goose mouth, according to my calculations. It’s layers of teeth. Bleachers of teeth. An entire stadium full of teeth.

I want you to fully understand how upsetting goose chompers are, but I also do not want you to Google it, because I don’t want to ruin your life. Maybe —you know what, yes —I’ll simply draw you a picture so you can have an idea of it without getting PTSD.

Okay. Just, broadly, TRIGGER WARNING.

Seriously.

Don’t look below if you ever want to be the same.

You have been warned.

I mean it.

Last chance.

Okay you asked for it.

And you know what the worst part of this whole thing is? Now I know that penguins have the same thing going on inside their mouths. Penguins! Nature’s most adorable plushies! They, too, have MURDER SAW TEETH MOUTHS.

So, yeah, anyway, I guess Siri was wrong, which makes me feel better, but also now my life is ruined.