I want to tell you about a moment that changed my life.
A couple of years ago, I was at a retreat center outside of Asheville, NC. It was a warm June afternoon, and I was with a small group of fellow students in the main hall of the lodge where we were staying. We were there to study Presence Based Coaching, a form of life coaching that encompasses many of the things I'm drawn to and love to explore — neuroscience, positive psychology, somatic practices, and meditation. It was the afternoon session, and we were learning how to respond to requests.
Like Ado Annie opines in the musical Oklahoma, I'm just a girl who can't say no. Except its not men I can't say no to — it's requests. I want to help. I value people who have a generous spirit. I want to be someone who others can depend on. And, if I'm honest, I have a bit of a Joan of Arc streak due to my upbringing in the Baptist church. Put others’ needs before your own, and you'll be worthy of a trip to heaven when you die.
Except you might die an early death due to over-committing yourself.
When I had a child, it was like a get-out-of-jail-free card. I had someone else to live for that needed me more than anyone. It was easier to say no, at least for a while. But old habits run deep, and as soon as my boy could walk, talk, and sleep through the night, I was starting to say yes again.
About ten years later, I burned out big-time and ended up with breast cancer. After my surgeon told me that I'd "Have to find another way to die," I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. Not only would I make it through this alive, but cancer treatments meant some serious downtime. Yay for me. I could use my cancer diagnosis as an opportunity to say no to anything that wasn't essential. Treatments would become my cancer spa-retreat-vacation.
Yikes. Cancer as an excuse to say no? How had it come to this? What a sick way to go through life (pun intended.) There had to be a better way.
Turns out there is. And it's a simple list — five ways to respond to requests. It's what I learned that afternoon in the mountains of North Carolina that changed my life. I want to share it with you because I know you might suffer from the affliction of overdoing and over-committing too.
Five Ways to Respond to Requests:
Yes
No (Here’s a post from Alexander Franzen on How To Say No To Everything. She gives some lovely examples on how to frame a No in the kindest, clear way.)
Stall for time. "I'm not sure. I need to ______. Can I get back to you?
I can't do that, but I can do this.
No response.
So let's go through these one at a time:
Yes
If every fiber of your being is saying, let's go for it — then it's a yes.
No
If every fiber of your being is telling you that this isn't something you can or care to do, then it's a no.
Stall for time.
This is my personal favorite. When you're unsure of what you feel about the request, stall for time. Telling someone that you need to look at your calendar, ask your partner, or think about it for a few days, are all great ways to give yourself time to sit with the request and make a decision about whether it's a yes, no, or, the next response on this list.
I can't do that, but I can do this.
If making a commitment to saying yes doesn't feel right for any reason, perhaps there's something else you can do to help. Recommend someone who's a better fit, or offer to do something that's more in alignment with your skill set, capacity, and the time that you have available.
No response
I use this response sparingly. I try and treat others how I'd like to be treated. When I've made a request of someone, I appreciate hearing back from them, whether they can honor the request or not. But sometimes, the kindest thing to do is not respond at all.
Why It's Important: No one looks good in Burnout Fatigues
Requests are anything that asks for your attention, time, and commitment. They can be as simple as an ad asking you to buy something or as complex as someone asking you to organize and perform at a fundraiser for a worthy cause. When you’re considering a request, it's important to remember that if you don't take care of yourself first, you won't be able to show up for yourself, those you love, or the things you're already committed to.
When You Can't Decide
Responding to requests is easier when you know what you value in your life. When you’re unsure of what your response should be and stalling for time doesn't give you the answers you're looking for, try plugging back into why you do what you do in the first place. (For more on finding your Why as a singer, read my blog post here.)
Dare to Be Clear
When you have clarity in your own mind regarding requests, it's easier to be clear with others. As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." Letting people know where you stand means they can move forward, with or without you. And you can move forward in your own life with greater health and ease.
Do you have some secret sauce that you use when responding to requests? Please share in the comments below!
