Brene’ Brown, a recognized researcher and author on the topic, definesshameas the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging...
Pause a moment and think if you have ever felt bad or ashamed of yourself in one of these areas – so much so that you felt flawed or defective:
SHAME MAGNETS:
appearance or body image, or athletic ability
intellect or education
money or work
motherhood or fatherhood
family
parenting
mental or physical health
addiction
sex
aging
religion – to list a few.
Pick one of the areas you remember or feel even now, and think of what have you done to try to deal with the feelings of shame?
Did you “hate on yourself”? Isolate? Try to overcome it by performing in other areas? Or try to hide it so no one would know?
Well, that is the power of shame.
It started in the Garden when Adam and Eve went against their loving heavenly Father and their own conscience in a deliberate attempt to promote themselves and their desires. Upon realizing their wrongdoing they went from being “naked and unashamed” to hiding by covering themselves with fig leaves, making excuses and blaming when questioned.
The counseling profession recognizes one attempt at hiding our shame is through the need to be “one-up” or grandiose. This shame masked by grandiosity goes by the name of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Most of us do not have a full-blown personality disorder but we see how shame shapes our behavior… leading us to “pendulum swing” from shame to grandiosity as we fight to prove we are better than we are.
So, why does shame hold such power in our lives?
It is because from our earliest development we need to have 2 things to ensure a meaningful life as a human:
We need to be SAFE and VALUED.
God had graciously provided both, but in our lust for more, we stepped away from both safety from all kinds of harm, and our value –that was found in being chosen to be in relationship with Him. Fear and shame came rushing in as the result.
Since we can’t return to Eden and get a “do-over” I want to give your 3 practical ways you can crush shame under your feet –much like what we will do to the enemy of our souls.
If you noticed, I point to the origin of shame as a result of the sin in the Garden account even though mainstream counseling does not do this. I will even go on record here and say: I don’t believe shame can be thoroughly healed apart from addressing the spiritual component.
So, my first practical step is:
1. WE MUST CONFESS
We must confess that we have been using Adam and Eve’s “self-help” model to hide, clean up, or re-package ourselves and our shame instead of returning to the only One who can forgive and make us new! It might sound like this:
“Father, God I have been relentlessly chasing anything and everything that I believed would protect me from pain and make me feel loved and valued. Even as a Christian, I am guilty of living through my children, looking for accolades, and indulging myself in secrecy to simply have more. I want to get my fingernails out of this world and look only to you for everything I need. Thank you for forgiving me and I want you to be in Full control of my life”.
2. IDENTIFY THE ROOT
Identify the root as best as you can. Just like weeds –if you want to get rid of them, you need to deal with the roots. When you find where the shame began in an area, you want to bring two things: TRUTH and COMPASSION.
Truth: May be acknowledging wrongdoing on your part or another person’s part and yet beginning to tell the story more accurately.
For example: “I did stutter when the teacher called on me, but I wasn’t stupid – I was young and scared. Or even though my dad was angry when I kept asking him to show me how to tie my shoe, I wasn’t a nuisance, rather my dad was impatient.”
Compassion: Is the antidote for self-loathing.
For example: “Overeating has caused me to gain extra weight, but I was coping when my parents left me alone so much. I don’t judge myself for trying to survive. I am valuable and worthy of love at any weight.”
Just as John 8:32 reminds us –when you know the truth, the truth will set you free. So, we must always be bringing the truth into those roots of shame.
Mark 6:34 and Hebrews 4:15 remind us that Jesus always has compassion when He sees us, and He empathizes with our weaknesses. Thus, we should see ourselves this way too.
3. GET “OUTLOUD” WITH SAFE PEOPLE
Get “outloud” with safe people because shame flourishes in silence and secrecy.
Not only does God tell us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), but also our fears and emotions. When we get out loud about our shame and the events that brought shame on, we can experience love and acceptance, and the power of shame begins to fade through the eyes of another.
Wonderful support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, CODA, Grief Share and others are founded on the truths that healing comes in the presence of others support and care.
Of course, we must be sure people are safe with our most vulnerable parts –so if you are short on safe people, then a trusted counselor can be a wonderful start.
FINALLY, let the words of Psalm 25 sink deep in your soul. He wants you free of shame. It is a birthright of every Christian experience worthiness through belonging – so refuse to accept the lies of shame into your life!
PSALM 25 excerpts:
2I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherouswithout cause.
6Remember,Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your loveremember me,
for you,Lord, are good.
16Turn to meand be gracious to me,
for I am lonelyand afflicted.
17Relieve the troublesof my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18Look on my afflictionand my distress
and take away all my sins.
19See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
20Guard my lifeand rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refugein you.
Workshop Recommendations: Hardwired to Heal: An Integrative Protocol to Heal Trauma Through Story
Book recommendations: Curt Thompson The Soul of Shame, Brene’ Brown The Gifts of Imperfection
Karla Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Workshop Developer, Facilitator, and Trauma Specialist for Hardin Life Resources
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