Being in love can be one of the best feelings in the world. The relationship can be filled with exhilaration and a soft gushiness that can propel you towards promises of forever. Yet, as time slips by, you may begin to experience uncertainty about your partner.
It might’ve reached a point where you aren’t connected like how it was at the beginning. Even the little things about their personality may have started to bother you, and the same old arguments keep replaying on a loop. You're not opening up to your partner as much as you used to, and if you're being totally honest—you're not sure if you can see them in your future anymore.
Perhaps the relationship is going through a tough moment that seems impossible to repair. Or everything seems “fine,” but you're left with a persistent feeling of doubt you can’t seem to shake. Whatever the case may be, you're now wondering if the relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on. To help you feel confident moving forward, here are a few obvious (and not-so-obvious) clues that could hint your relationship is already over.
At a Glance
When you’re at a crossroads in your relationship, it can be difficult to make a decision. On one hand, you know love requires hard work, so you want to salvage a good thing if you have it. On the other hand, you don’t want denial to push you further in a relationship that isn’t making you happy. Look for consistent incompatibilities that you can't seem to overcome. no matter how much you try. Some key signs your relationship may be beyond repair include:
- a lack of physical intimacy
- issues with problem-solving
- feeling lonely in the same room
- that gut feeling
Simply put, trust your body—you'll know when it's time.
4 Key Signs It Might Be Time to Break Up
The Intimacy Just Isn’t There Anymore
If one of you reaches out for sexual intimacy, and the other consistently responds with excuses about being tired, irritated, stressed, disconnected, or not in the mood, it could indicate underlying issues in your relationship. There are no strict rules for sexual frequency, and experiencing occasional dry spells is normal.
However, if this pattern of physical distancing becomes a recurring theme, it’s worth addressing–especially if you feel like you’re forcing things, slowed down with physical touch, sharing secrets about your day, and engaging in revealing conversations together.
In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve observed once you’ve stopped confiding in your partner, it’s likely you’ve also stopped craving physical and emotional intimacy with them, too.
This observation is backed up by a 2018 study that investigated how emotional closeness in long-term relationships can influence one’s desire for sex. The researchers discovered that being emotionally close doesn’t directly lead to more sex, but it does lead to a stronger desire for it. The study emphasizes the importance of maintaining open lines of communication for increased relationship satisfaction.
When a couple tells me they’re not super open about the mundane and pivotal parts of their respective lives, it’s a huge sign that the relationship has probably been on the outs for some time.
If you’re not actively seeking out these kinds of connected moments, it may mean that you no longer see them as someone who can bring you joy and fulfillment. Perhaps they are more like your best friend, family member, roommate, teammate, co-worker, or an obligation. Those are great aspects to have in your relationship, but viewing each other as a source and expression for your romantic pleasure is needed to keep the spark alive.
40 Questions to Build Intimacy in a Relationship
You Can’t Problem Solve Together
In long-term relationships, it’s common to have the same fight again and again. You know the fight I’m talking about. Even when you bicker about something different like the dishes, work, family, or money—somehow, somehow, the argument inevitably tumbles back to the same core issue. Not being able to get past this central fight can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and suppression.
Sure, these fights can be frustrating. But they can also be incredibly satisfying once you finally tackle the unhidden issue that needs to be talked through to elevate the relationship. Addressing these emotionally charged issues requires effort. One must be thoughtful of triggers, understand the other’s perspective, discuss past grievances objectively, and strive to meet their partner’s needs.
While these fights may linger, you can break free of the cycle with warm, open, positive, and honest communication. Just know it’ll take as long as it needs to. Patience and perseverance are your allies.
The problem is avoiding certain conversations out of fear of confrontation, which signals a massive loss of trust in your partner. This reluctance to discuss sensitive topics shows you’re uncomfortable disclosing private aspects of yourself or articulating the fullness of your needs. If you can't tell them when you're upset, how can you approach them with a vulnerable request about something else that matters to you? When it reaches this point, your partner may not be seen as a collaborator for effective problem-solving but instead as an adversary. You're not on the same side anymore.
If you can't tell them when you're upset, how can you approach them with a vulnerable request about something else that matters to you?
When you're disconnected and can't move beyond entrenched, well-defended positions in the argument, it’s time to question whether your relationships allow for change at the necessary level. If not, you might need to consider whether something different is required for your own well-being.
How Stonewalling Can Hurt Your Relationship
You Feel Alone When You’re Next To Them
If you find yourself longing to do things alone or fantasizing about moments they won’t be around so you can participate in the activities you enjoy, that’s an invitation to pause and reflect further.
When you’re in a thriving relationship, you’ll want to do some of your alone things with your partner. When your relationship is surviving, you’ll feel lonely even when they’re next to you doing the same thing—as if there’s an emotional abyss in between. You may feel misunderstood, trapped, shut down, on edge, and uncomfortable being around them. Taken to an extreme, you may find yourself judging your partner and the things they value.
If you’re not putting in the time and energy to nurture a connection, you will grow apart. It’ll make sense to keep doing your own thing until you look up one day and realize you’re living completely separate lives.
When you and your partner feel disconnected on a fundamental level, no longer prioritize the same values, and find it hard to get along, it becomes a challenge to co-create a shared future. Why commit to a future together when the present moment feels so dissatisfying to be in?
Quick Exercise to Self-Reflect
A useful exercise to help you see things clearly:
- Write down a simple list of all the activities you do on a regular basis.
- Give each one a rough percentage of the time you spend on it.
- What do you do alone or with your partner?
- Which ones give you energy or take from you?
- Which activities do you commit to out of obligation versus authentic desire?
The answers to these questions may reveal surprising truths.
You Just Know It
Our subconscious mind controls 95% of our lives, meaning that a majority of our decisions, actions, emotions, and behaviors are influenced beyond our conscious awareness. These imperceptible signals are picked up by our mind-body connection, registering as a gut instinct that tells us something is not right.
In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve observed once you’ve stopped confiding in your partner, it’s likely you’ve also stopped craving physical and emotional intimacy with them, too.
Gut feelings are easy to dismiss until we unpack the science. Emerging research notes the gut is linked to the enteric nervous system, which works alongside the brain to communicate in parallel, which ultimately plays a major instinctive part in our physical and emotional states.
That’s why the gut is known as the second brain. So, when you simply “know” something to be true, even if you can’t put it into words or logically figure out how you know it, don’t dismiss what your gut is telling you. There’s a reason why they call it a “deep knowing” or an “inner truth.” Your intuition is intelligently designed.
Is It My Gut or Just My Anxiety Talking?
Many of my clients have told me it's hard to tell the difference between their gut and anxiety. Let’s talk about the embodied difference:
- When your instincts are fear-based, your thoughts will feel overly analytical, obsessive, uncertain, and full of rumination.
- When your instincts are coming from your intuition (or your gut), your thoughts will feel clear, truthful, unhurried, and consistent.
But I will say this: if you live an unhealthy lifestyle with factors such as stress, anxiety, inactivity, poor diet choices, and lack of sleep, it'll contribute to an imbalanced gut microbiome. This means your mental health will be impacted, and your instincts will feel out of whack. For optimal cognitive functioning, it's imperative to align your mind, body, and soul with nourishing self-care practices so you can trust your intuition.
If you’ve been contemplating ending your relationship, regardless of whether or not you can clearly say why, don’t over-intellectualize what’s happening. Pay attention to your body and what it’s telling you–which you can only know when you slow down through mindfulness. You don’t have to have a big reason to break up with your partner and read article after article if you’re meant to be together. You’ll just know it.
What This Means For You
Relationships are always workable because love is a choice. But sometimes, there’s no amount of "work" that can make a wrong relationship right. While you can always try out new strategies, techniques, and tools to improve your relationship, constantly finding an angle back into a connection where you can't communicate or grow together is the definition of sunk cost fallacy. You don't need to wait for a vicious fight or a breach of trust to happen so you can feel confident about ending the relationship. If you’ve been wanting to leave, that’s the only reason you need to go.
Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?
