I can’t tell you when you’ll be ready to take that step and move in together. It’s varies so much from relationship to relationship. But I can tell you some things you need to know before moving in together based on my own experience cohabitating with roommates, an ex boyfriend, and my now husband. After college I moved in with Matt after dating long distance (2 hours) for only 7 months. It seemed kinda crazy then, and really crazy now. Thankfully it all worked out for us with very minimal bumps along the way .
It seems so dreamy, the idea of moving in together. I mean seriously, sleepovers every night with your favorite person, what’s not to love? The way they load the dishwasher, the setting and snoozing of 18 alarms, and their choice of peanut butter. That. That’s what’s not to love.
I’m kidding ….mostly! All jokes aside, it is amazing but it certainly comes with its potential for bumps, incompatibilities, and a bunch of compromise. The fact is, the dynamic of your relationship is subject to change pretty dramatically and the best way to prepare for that? Talk about it ahead of time! The following are things you need to know before moving in together. Some of which Matt and I totally crushed it at discussing about ahead of time. And others that totally surprised us.
7 Things You Need To Know Before Moving In Together:
1. Where do you see yourself (and our relationship) in a year?
This lends way to the very important question, why do you want to move in together? Don’t do it merely to save money or because someone’s lease it up and you feel like you should. Often times a lease ending is a great time to discuss where you both see the relationship going and if moving in together is the right decision for you.
When moving in together is on the table, honestly ask yourself and your partner, where do we see this going? What jobs will we be doing in a year or how much school will we have left? Will we be considering the next steps in our relationship, like an engagement? Do we have any joint goals that we hope to achieve by then? All of these are extremely important to ask so you both are on the same page about the future of this very big step.
Matt and I moved in together so fast. We were tired of doing long distance and because I would be graduating college, I had nothing keeping me in my college town. I am not sure it was ever specifically discussed, but we were certainly on the same page about our futures together. And that was, pending everything keeps going great over the next couple years, we will be on track to get married.
I think we are the exception in this case, not the rule. We had been friends for 6 years at this point so we knew each other really well and neither of us were scared of commitment. For someone else, 7 months of dating exclusively long distance could have been the demise of a relationship. We consider that first year living together some of the most growth we made as individuals and as a couple.
2. Finances
Finances might be the most important thing you need to know before moving in together. And it’s perhaps the biggest reason moving in together is such a big step. Discussing finances is not for the weak. You’ll need to determine how you will split the cost of rent, utilities, cable, groceries etc. Although Matt and I did not combine our finances at this point in our relationship, it would have been helpful to have set up a separate account for each of us to pay into, that would cover the joint expenses. In our case, we just took turns paying for things. It worked for us for the most part, but could definitely be a point of contention and resentment in a relationship
Additionally, I think it is extremely (<— bolded for a reason) important to have an honest conversation about whether or not you both can afford to live without the other. What happens if it doesn’t work out? Do you both have a support system to turn to in case you need a place to stay? Or a little money to cover bills for a couple months? Will you choose to remain living together in separate rooms? Is that even an option? I cannot stress enough how important this conversation is. Making someone homeless in the case of a break up will keep you around much longer than you should.
The fact is, neither Matt or myself could afford that Orlando apartment by ourselves. We took the risk because we both have parents that would have our back in the case of a break up. This conversation needs to be had and it needs to be had very honestly.
3. Cleanliness and chores
Overall cleanliness and division of chores seems like an obvious discussion point but many assume that because they’ve slept over plenty of times, they know how the other one lives. The fact is, we all put our best foot forward when a significant other stays over. I know Matt used to clean the toilet before I came to visit and I used to wash bedding and do dishes like it was my job.
I found it most helpful to discuss cleanliness related pet peeves, chores they don’t mind doing and ones they hate, and how often routine cleanings should happen. Matt and I didn’t do much discussion about this beforehand but realized how quickly we needed to. Thankfully, we hang out at about the same level of cleanliness. And, we did know what cleanliness pet peeves the other had in regard to their roommates.
Cleanliness habits you need to know before moving in together:
Do they stay on top of laundry or will they wear bathing suit bottoms before getting around to it? Will they wash a single fork instead of just doing the dishes? You hate vacuuming, do they mind doing it for you? And vice versa for other chores. Do you despise sandy floors but a full sink of dishes doesn’t bother you? How often should a “big” clean be done? Will they notice things that need to be done around the house or do they need a list?
Those are just some things I can come up with at the top of my head. The point is, be very honest about expectations, dealbreakers, and your own shortcomings. Don’t let socks on the floor be the reason you didn’t work out.
4. Daily routine
The two most important things to hash out about your daily routine is, are you an early riser or a night owl? And are you an alarm snoozer? This is crucial to know before moving in together. Do not take your sleepover routines as the standard. It’s like vacation, it doesn’t count.
When you and your partner are waking up for work or even on the weekend, do they spring out of bed like a daisy? Or do they snooze their alarm a bunch of times? Differing opinions doesn’t mean you’re doomed but it’s helpful to be armed with this knowledge so you can adjust your expectations. I am happy to report, Matt and I are both moderate morning people and we set one alarm. It’s just who we are. As someone who lived exclusively with alarm snoozers in college, this was such a treat!
5. Brand specific must haves
Okay this one is a little fun and probably won’t result in any major deal breakers but, are you and your partner loyal to specific brands? It’s helpful to know before moving in together so you can make your grocery trips more concise. It can also give some insight into how they were raised. And although never serious, Matt and I have certainly had some laughable debates over brand specifics.
For example, I grew up on Heinz ketchup. Matt grew up on Hunts because “John Kerry’s wife is the owner of Heinz” and they’re conservatives…. Yes, I almost died laughing too. Even though that was a silly anecdote in their house, Matt prefers Hunts. I don’t care all that much, so I compromised. I also started putting my ketchup in the fridge because apparently that’s where it’s supposed to go. My mom doesn’t like cold ketchup on her food (and she’s got a point) but now I follow the directions because it’s not a dealbreaker for me.
And that’s because I would go to war over Jif peanut butter. There is no better brand I don’t care what you say. I am loyal to Charmin, Crest, and Jif off the top of my head. I was raised on Miracle Whip and now realize I only believed it was the best because I would believe anything my dad said as a kid. A must have conversation before you move in? Maybe not. But certainly a fun one!
6. Daily habits
These daily potential incompatibilities are extremely important to know before moving in together. It is your seemingly minuscule habits that can drive another person crazy. The best way to recognize these ahead of time is to think about some of your pet peeves and recall anything from your experience cohabitating with others (roommates or even parents/siblings) that caused you repeated irritation. Now make those very clear.
Some examples may include:
Do they pee with the door open? Does that bother you? Do they insist on sleeping with the tv? Do they leave lights on whenever they leave a room? How cold do you keep the house at night? Do they make a mess every time they cook something? Are they constantly losing things? Do they chew with their mouth open?
7. Decor deal breakers
Moving in with anyone means compromise. And although that’s not always easy, decor compromise is usually pretty doable. You share the space and you both deserve to make it comfortable. You don’t need your whole home planned out but it can be helpful to run through who’s items you’re keeping and any decor dealbreakers. When you move in, you combine most everything. But you probably don’t need two sets of silverware, pots and pans, bedding, etc. Also, if you have expectations for flowery wallpaper in the bedroom or football gear throughout the living room, you may need to make some compromises to accommodate your partner.
And lastly something to remember…
You don’t have to spend every second together. Logically, you probably know this. But it can sometimes be difficult to reconcile in your mind when the dynamic changes from “hosting” your significant other when they visit, to living together. Discuss if either of you need to decompress after work or even if you simply prefer more time alone than the other may be aware of.
Discussing the above topics with your significant other before moving in together will prep you both for an easier transition into this fun new step in your relationship!
Related posts you’ll love: 8 Tips For Fighting Fair In Your Relationship; How To Argue When You Both Think You Are Right; 8 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Exciting
-The Relatable Red
