From election farce in Georgian timesto poignant closing scenes in the trenches of World War One,Richard Curtis and Ben Elton’s historical sitcom Blackadder is so beloved it topped a recent poll of TV shows viewers most want back on the box.
Here are 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quotes:
(Some rude humour ahead)
Baldrick: “I have a plan, sir.”
Blackadder: “Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?”
Baldrick: “Yes, sir.”
Blackadder: “As cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?”
Blackadder: “He’s madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year’s Mr Madman competition.”
Samuel Johnson: “This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.”
Blackadder: “Every single one, sir?”
Samuel Johnson: “Every single word, sir.”
Blackadder: “Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities.”
Blackadder: “Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot.”
Witch Hunter: “The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.”
Blackadder: “Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.”
Pitt the Younger: “I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.”
Blackadder: “And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman’s Eye?”
Blackadder: “Your brain is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.”
Blackadder: “Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?”
Young Crone: “That it be! That it be!”
Blackadder: “‘Yes, it is,’ not ‘That it be’.”
Blackadder: “Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we’ll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner.”
Blackadder: “There hasn’t been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.”
Blackadder: “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Percy?”
Vincent Hanna: “Can you at least tell me one thing. What does the ‘S’ in his name stand for?”
Blackadder: “Sod off.”
Vincent Hanna: “I guess it’s none of my business really…”
Queenie: “Oh Edmund. I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face.”
Blackadder: “They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.”
Lady Whiteadder: “Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike. And I sit on Nathaneal. Two spikes would be an extravagance…”
Lord Flashheart: “Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?!”
Lord Flashheart: “Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why.”
Others: “Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?”
Lord Flashheart: “Because the pants haven’t been built yet that’ll take the job on.”
Blackadder: “Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me – and THIS pencil.”
Prince Ludwig: “We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the old pizzel in Dover?”
Blackadder: “My God.”
Prince Ludwig: “Yes! I was the waitress.”
Blackadder: “I don’t believe it. You? Big Sally?”
Prince Ludwig: [Impression] “Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?”
Blackadder: “But I went to bed with you, didn’t I?”
Blackadder: “So let’s recap. If I admit that I am in love – sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards – then you will remove my testicl*s with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool and roast them over a large fire. Whereas if I don’t admit that I’m in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade…ANDremove my testicl*s with a blunt… oh I see.”
Blackadder: “Criminal record?”
Baldrick: “Absolutely not.”
Blackadder: “Oh, come on, Baldrick. You’re going to be an MP for God’s sake. I’ll just put fraud and sexual deviance…”
Blackadder: “I lost closer friends than ‘darling Georgie’ the last time I was deloused.”
Blackadder: “The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil’s own satanic herd.”
Blackadder: “Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you’d think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.”
Blackadder: “You really are a beginner. You forgot your comedy breasts!”
Lord Melchett: “Au contraire, Blackadder.”
Baldrick: “Morning, Mr. B.”
Blackadder: “Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.”
Blackadder: “I’ve never had anything you doctors didn’t try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.”
Doctor: “You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?”
Blackadder: “Yes. Dr Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn’t it?”
Doctor: “That’s right, the great Hoffmann.”
Blackadder: “Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe…”
Queenie: “I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.”
General Melchett: “Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.”
Blackadder: “Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?”
Captain Darling: “How could you possibly know that, Blackadder?! It’s classified information!”
Prince George: “Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey.”
Blackadder: “Oh, an absurd suggestion sir. Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey.”
Blackadder: “Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunach’s underpants.”
Blackadder: “Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words ‘I have a cunning plan’ marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?”
Blackadder: “Baldrick, you wouldn’t recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing ‘subtle plans are here again’.”
Mr. Pants: “You’ve really worked out your banter, haven’t you?”
Blackadder: “No, this is a different thing. It’s spontaneous and it’s called wit.”
Two seasons of Blackadder and the Christmas special are available to watch on Netflix UK
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