Hello. If this is too long, feel free to delete it. I am going to share my story involving video games. I am curious what your thoughts will be after reading this. I have 5 children. One is grown, married and a parent. One is almost graduated from college. The others are 16, 13 and 11.
I am not arguing either direction; only sharing my experiences and observations with my own family.
My oldest children did not have exposure to electronic devices (other then TV) until they were 8 & 6. This was due to my fear of them becoming “addicted” to gaming like my 2 brothers were when we were kids. My mother said the Atari and Nintendo were the best babysitters, so there were zero limits. Both of my brothers disengaged from family, their friends and the outdoors and both became angry and violent while playing video games. I did not get to play the video games because I was a girl. (My Mom had a strange idea of what girls can do verses boys.) Now in their 40’s, both of my brothers are still the same way. They spend their free time playing video games and both are still angry and violent during gaming. They also have children and their children are gaming in the same manner.
Anyway, at first, there were no limits or requirements set for my two older children, prior to playing. It was this way for a couple years. My son loved gaming above all else and lost interest in friends, the outdoors, and sports; all things he loved prior to gaming. But what was worse, was his anger he developed. He began to throw his remote, break things that were near him, kick the walls and slam his fists onto the gaming console. Meanwhile, my daughter was developing anxiety and a decline in her self confidence. She isolated herself from her family and friends. Neither of them wanted to continue the community activities we had enjoyed prior to their excessive gaming. They no longer wanted to join family game night (board games and cards), go to the park, roast marshmallows in the backyard, have a day at the beach, go hiking, etc. Both kids developed dark circles around their eyes, frequent headaches, and were getting thin. They were obsessed with beating the games they were engaged in. I wanted the gaming to stop, my husband did not agree. He said it gave him peace and quiet; like my mother said about my brothers gaming.
Well, after an annual wellness check proved my kids were declining in their health, our pediatrician suggested to limit their gaming to a couple hours a day or less. My husband couldn’t deny this. So, we required them to have completed all schoolwork, eat a healthy meal, spend some time outside, keep their rooms kept up, and care for themselves (hygiene) before they could play their video games. They were allotted 2 hours before bedtime once all of that was completed. I did not notice a difference physically for many months, but emotionally, both children changed for the better in a shorter period of time. Although, my son was angry at me, just as you mentioned in your writing. He told me he hated me and he wished he had a different mom. He would isolate himself to his room. After 3 weeks, my children began to cuddle with me for family movie nights again, asked to play card games, wanted to meet with friends at the playground and started signing up for community runs/races again. Things were much better. My son still got angry while playing his game, but refrained from violent outbursts, and vented his frustration verbally so he wouldn’t lose his gaming system.
When these two turned 16, they no longer had time limits. They also had more electronic devices. They were at an age, where it mattered to them what they smelled like and looked like, so hygiene was not a problem. They both played sports, so were hungry and needed to stay in tip top shape, so diet was not a concern any longer either. Both kids became so used to keeping their rooms clean over the years, that they had the cleanest rooms in the whole house.
My daughter rarely played games. She chose to be with friends, family and outside over gaming. Our son still loved gaming. He also still got angry playing his game. He started back at violent outburst again. We had to patch many holes in his walls when he left to college. When he was not gaming, he was gentle. So interesting how he was affected by his gaming.
The three younger children had exposure to games as soon as they could use the equipment. Our middle child had limits set immediately. He never developed the issues his two older siblings did. He was happy to play his game during allotted time following his self care and room care. He continued to play with friends, engage in family time and community activities. I assume the difference is that he had not experience unlimited gaming so he was content with the rules. We loosened up a bit with the limits and noticed a change in him similar to his older brother, so immediately tightened back up and things went back to normal.
When we had our 5th child, things had changed. We were rarely home so gaming was nearly non existent. We were always camping, boating, hiking, beach going, swimming, etc. But our oldest son stayed home to game while the rest of us went on adventures. He said his siblings were too annoying. He never left his room, even to eat meals with us by the time he was a senior in Highschool. He played the game from the time he got home until 4 am some nights. He was always doing some competition or trying to defeat the game.
Our oldest daughter made a choice not to play games anymore. When she was 18, she told us she didn’t think her little siblings should have video games because it changed her mood and made her feel anxious and self conscious. She also talked about how it changed her younger brother into an angry person. She wanted to feel happy instead of anxious and sad and she did not want to “need” to play the game so she could be in a top tier. She said there is always pressure to be the best and to do that, you must play tirelessly. She said gaming took her life from her.
Our other children who had the gaming limits said they didn’t want to sit inside playing games and that it was more fun being outside.
Life was grand for everyone but our gamer who stayed home with his nose in a screen. Now he is a college student and luckily has been serious about school, no longer playing games due to lack of time. He is calm and not so angry anymore. Question is, due to him being 21 and more mature, or due to him not being able to play games? He says he notices that he isn’t as angry now that he doesn’t play video games, and he notices that now taking care of himself is easier without needing to “beat the game”. He says he misses gaming a lot, and will start back up once he finishes college, but says maybe he will set a timer for himself so he doesn’t get lost in gaming again.
Now our world is shook up. Our three younger kids are angry and sad. We moved a year ago to a place that does not offer the outdoor life we experience prior. We left the mountains, the ocean, fresh water lakes, glaciers, crisp, clean air, comfortable temperatures, and a safe, tight-nit community, for a flat, humid, super hot, snake infested waters, thick-bad-smelling air and unsafe city. Here, our kids do not get to hang out with friends around the town, go biking, hiking, swimming, camping, etc. It is miserable for them. I lifted all limits on gaming just so they have something to do that they enjoy. At first, the gaming was fine. They still spent time playing with each other, cooking nights with me, watching movies together and playing board games. After 5 months passed of unlimited gaming, they all three changed for the worst. All three of them are angry and have violent outbursts during their gaming. Another 7 months have passed and they refuse to eat because their game is more important. They fight going to bed at night because they want to keep playing their games. They all have dark circles around their eyes and all are losing weight. They all refuse to partake in family game night, family movie night, cooking, arts and crafts, etc. I can not get them interested in anything. They want to go do the things they used to do, but those things are not here. My youngest son says the most awful things. He seems to be so desensitized about killing and death. He is obsessed with Fortnite.
My 16 year old got into trouble at his school for partaking in chatting with a girl on the school laptop (not allowed at all) Well, the school wanted his school computer to be used for school work only and for me to put it up because he had been on it until 2 am which was causing him to fall asleep during class. He got suspended for 2 days for the messaging. So bizarre to me. The rules are intense here and it is very authoritative. Kids are punished not rewarded. Their old schools were the opposite. Kids were rewarded for good behavior and talked to about bad behavior but not punished. Well, this computer issue led to me having to call the police to intervene an altercation that occurred between my son and his father. Our son wanted the school computer, but could not have it. His PlayStation had been broken for a couple weeks so the only electronic device he had was the school computer. He was enraged! He was not himself. He was ready to fight for that school computer. Anyway, the police came and spoke to him. They told him that they understood his frustration but that he needs to control his actions. They talked to him about consequences if things had gone too far. Things settled down for quite awhile with our son. He started drawing and reading to pass the long boring days. We got him a guitar and he is loving that. We got his PlayStation fixed. That quickly showed to be a mistake. He started to become angry again. I don’t understand it. Why get so angry when you are doing something you enjoy? He eats once a day of that much. He refuses to watch family movies or go places with us.
The other two kids play on laptops. I just started limits on their games a couple days ago because they had a wellness exam, and both of them have declined in the health just as our two oldest had many years ago. Our youngest is so angry. The time limits are not very restrictive either. You are so right about how they react to time limits towards their parents. I have it set so that they must eat breakfast, and take a shower before they can play. Then they have 2 hours of game time before they have to get off and eat a snack, and do some other activity for an hour. Then they have 2 hours again, take an hour break to eat lunch and do something else. We repeat this throughout the day until bedtime.
Our daughter mopes around during her downtime. She complains about eating, but at least does it. She says she is bored and refuses to do anything during her downtime. She occasionally will watch TV. Otherwise she will lay in her bed staring at the cieling waiting for her game time to start back up.
During the downtime, Our youngest son scarfs down food, drinks water and will play with his toys, draw or play his drums. He is so angry though. Very verbally abusive. Especially while he is playing his game! If someone says something to him while he is playing he looses it!
So…there is my story. Long I know. I wanted to paint the true picture for you.
Based on the fact that both my family and my husbands family are riddled with addicts, my theory is that if a person is from a line of addicts, whether it be gambling, drinking, drugs or even fitness, they will not do well with unlimited access to video games. If a person comes from a line of emotionally stable people, without addictions, they will be responsible and happy with unlimited gaming.
What do you think?
